Showtime to debut porn-oriented soap opera

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons, Special to Newsophile

NEW YORK -- Showtime officials have announced that "The Ripe and the Raw" will debut on the pay television service on June 9, 2011.

Billed as the first ever 'porn soap opera', the show will follow the "Ups and downs, ins and outs, and highs and lows of one of the richest industries on earth."

Starring Tera Patrick, Keeley Hazell, Jenna Jameson, Peter North, Ron Jeremy, and the stuffed corpse of Marilyn Chambers, the show promises to 'keep you up all night', have you 'on the edge of your seat', and keep you 'waiting with mastur-baited breath' for next week's episode.

"Putting us on Showtime allows for the ripeness and the rawness of what to do to really come up to the surface," stated Jameson.

"I'm totally up for this show!" said a clearly excited Peter North, "I can't wait to come in for shooting."

"I'm coming this weekend," said Ms. Hazell, "to begin fitting for costumes. In one of the episodes I have a big hump," apparently a reference to a Quasimodo scene she is in.

"Come and play!" was all Ms. Patrick could manage through a full mouth during the interview.

Richard Long, the show's producer, claims their audience will not only be treated to "great, gooey gobs of porn", but a real insider's look inside the dark moistness of what is surely a very popular guilty pleasure.

Haitian Quake Blamed on Voodoo

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons, Special to Newsophile

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI -- In the midst of the rubble, the destruction, the piles of bodies and the cries for help, one man has stepped forward to accept responsibility for this week's horrendous earthquake event in Haiti.

He is Dr. Eyeball, a noted practitioner of Senteria and Haitian Voodoo.

As news crews attempted to film the demolished presidential palace, Dr. Eyeball stepped in front of a camera to display his voodoo doll of the nation of Haiti and cried "Sinners all dead! I made the earthquake to scourge the Earth of evil sinners!" (The doll was actually a papier-mache model of the island itself, complete with painted geography and a GI Joe head in the place of Port-au-Prince.)

As cameramen pushed him aside to film what they felt was the real story, Dr. Eyeball demonstrated his powers by quickly improvising a voodoo doll of Chen Nguong Nung, a Miami reporter, out of an empty can, a paper clip, and a matchbook. He followed by tearing off the 'head' of the doll, causing Nung to instantly explode while cameras were running. As if this weren't enough, Dr. Eyeball proceeded to deliver an ancient voodoo chant that, after 5 continuous minutes, caused every cameraman within 30 feet to bleed from the ears and nostrils.

At this point the Haitian National Guard appeared on the scene, lit some 'spleef,' and sat down to see what else Dr. Eyeball would come up with. Not wishing to disappoint, the good doctor launched into a 15-minute monologue on why he felt it necessary to destroy his own home and people. Surprisingly, the doctor vanished in a puff of smoke when he finished speaking and rescue crews are currently searching the island for him.

TSA Accused of Dabbling in Child Porn

By Long Tung Duc, Special to Newsophile

KISSIMMEE, FLORIDA -- Nine-year-old Cub Scout Terrance Dobkins knows a thing or two about airport security, and thinks he could stop those terrorists without having to fund the operation by selling kiddy porn. That's because Terrance happens to share a name with a known terrorist who appears on the TSA's watch list, and as a frequent traveler, he's had his share of cup checks by airport security. During this summer's family vacation to Jamaica, the TSA arranged a body scan photo shoot for Terrance when his name was spotted while getting his boarding pass with his family.

Transportation Security expert Thomas Fin stated on Friday, "We don't often get a chance to scan a kid with these babies, but when you do, you jump at it!" TSA officials acknowledge that scanning minors is a touchy subject, but since Miami International Airport has been one of a limited number of trial airports to have the new full body scanners installed, according to Fin, "We nail every kid we can." Adds Fin, "Kids provide us with an unadulterated view of the raw human form, which thus allows security officials to become familiar with the way ''a body ought to be.' But we're very professional about it."

Terrance's mother, Amy Dobkins, is less than impressed. When TSA officails asked her to sign a waiver to release Terrance's scans for training purposes, she refused. Amy described their pleading as just disgusting. "They just want to totally perv out over my son's body scan photos, and that ain't right." Thomas Fin commented that it is a great misfortune that our trainees won't be able to view this young man's 'majestic' form.

The Department of Homeland Security this morning confirmed that, "Virginal scans are very valuable." Gordon Swag, who is the newly appointed Sensitive Media Secretary for the DOHS, tell us that his counterparts around the world are very eager to analyze even the smallest tidbits in our global war against terrorism. "The Israelis would have paid pay big bucks for these scans," says Swag, "and don't even get me started on the Turks." Gordon also admits that the parental waiver will be a thing of the past very soon. "We're expecting an executive order or two about that coming down the pike pretty soon."

Meanwhile, Terrance and his family are taking it in stride. "I guess I'll just have to get used to it," says Terrance. "I just hope it doesn't end up on YouTube. And I guess I can just forget about cock rings."

Tiger Woods' own mother 16th woman to come forward as mistress

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

JUPITER ISLAND, FL -- Now that the list of Tiger Woods' mistresses has officially hit 15 (rumored to be singer Jessica Simpson), inside sources are telling Newsophile that number 16 may in fact be a woman closest to the famous golfer's heart: his own mother, Kultida ("Tida") Woods.

"Tida never really liked (current wife) Elin (Nordegren), frequently saying, 'she so white it's blinding!'" the source said on condition of anonymity. "She really wanted Tiger to marry a nice girl who was also 1/4 African American, 1/4 Thai, 1/4 Chinese, 1/8 Native American and 1/8 Dutch, saying 'he not look hard enough.'"

"She even placed ads on Craigslist for him, but everyone thought it was a joke, which just broke her heart."

Ultimately, when Tiger and Elin began to drift apart Tida offered to step in, in the hopes of providing 'Everything you need in sordid affair except for dirty talk. Ok, maybe little dirty talk.'

Once news of the multiple other mistresses broke, Tida clandestinely hired infamous L.A. attorney Gloria Allred, apparently to sell her story to the media and to arrange an appropriate settlement with her son Tiger. "Oh sure, he buy me a car," she wrote in her complaint, "But it's a cheap, stripped-down Buick he got for free. Not even proper rice rocket!"

BBC offers quasi-apology for its online debate on killing gays in Uganda

FROM BREITBERT.COM:

After considerable pressure, it looks like the BBC has finally caved and offered an apology for hosting an online discussion on whether or not gays should be executed in Uganda.

Wrote BBC World Service Director Peter Horrocks on a company blog, "We apologize for any offense it caused," adding that he still thought that the program was a legitimate attempt to encourage discussion about a crucial African issue.

As proof of that commitment, he hopes to host future episodes on whether or not men with AIDS should rape virgins as a cure, when and if genocide is the most practical solution to warring factions, and the morality of re-instating the slave trade in poorer African countries, ultimately adding the pseudo-borrowed tagline, "It's not TV - it's BBC!"

What did Senator Schumer really say?

FROM WIRE REPORTS

An AP story out of New York says that Senator Charles Shumer made an inappropriate remark about a flight attendant who asked him to turn off his cell phone prior to a commercial flight taking off.

While it's anyone's guess what type of expletives Shumer actually muttered under his breath towards the airline employee, our sources report he said the following: "Ah, don't blow your wig, ya stupid broad. You're really gumming the works for me today, and that's all wet."

Really, Senator? Don't be surprised is impeachment is on the menu for you.

Greenhouse gases destroy North Pole

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons
Special to Newsophile

PT. BARROW, ALASKA -- According to recent reports, homeless elves have been appearing for weeks in the tiny community of Barrow, Alaska, and scientists have finally discovered why: greenhouse gasses have melted the North Pole homestead of Santa Claus, causing the poorly supervised elves to seek food and shelter elsewhere.

Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment, with his press agent citing 'pressing issues related to Mr. Tiger Woods' black book', but this reporter did manage to speak with an elf who did not wish to be identified because he wasn't authorized to talk to the press.

"The tops of the castle have been dripping for years and he (Claus) didn't do a thing about it," the seemingly embittered elf claims. "Then, two weeks ago, a wind seemed to come right out of the basement, thereby sucking the entire structure into what is now just a very cold pond."

Adds another disgruntled worker, "We can't even fish in it."

Sources have also discovered that despite centuries of organization, there is no union protecting the benefits of the Elven workers.

"The castle is gone, Santa is gone, and we have nowhere to turn except Hollywood," says Beebus Matzohpelius, Santa's second in command, as he waved from his convertible BMW before heading south. "We're thinking we could make great avatars!"

Back in Barrow, the residents seemed to be only mildly disturbed once they recovered from the initial 'elf sighting' shock. Says Cody Hunter, a longtime resident, "Well, we had some polar bears show up in numbers a few years back and that's when we started picking up our garbage and re-using condoms before tossing them. Don't know what to do about the Elves, though... feed 'em to the polar bears, maybe?"

Adds Sue Littlejohn, owner of 'Suzy's Cutesy Cuddly Christmas Shoppe,' "I let them sleep outside my shop and feed them candy in the morning so they don't go hungry. And then I beat them because that's how I grew up, and look how swell I turned out!"

Another resident of Barrow, also agreeing to speak only on condition of anonymity, said the elves behave more like an urban homeless person, such as rattling through garbage cans, falling inside and then screaming for help to get out, singing off-key holiday carols to no one in particular and, adding insult to injury, threatening shoppers with an unpleasant Christmas if they don't provide a donation.

"I think the city council needs to take a stand," says local journalist Hank Legolas. "You let one of these little peckers in town, and the next thing you know they have taken over! What is this, the San Diego-Tijuana border?"

In a related incident, former V.P. Al Gore was carried off the set of Chris Matthews' show on MSNBC when asked about these elves, reportedly heaving and spitting out the words "I'm not lying" through what onlookers described as an 'apoplectic fit.'

TARP II funds restricting use of banks' restroom facilities

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Apparently hidden deep in the rhetoric of the guidelines for the release of "TARP II" financing to prop up insolvent banks is a new restriction on the use of restroom facilities serving those institutions receiving federal funds.

These new regulations, which include specific guidelines on when bank employees can wash their hands or flush a toilet, have resulted in outrage throughout the banking community.

"Oh, c'mon, what is this, the 1970s?" asked Bank of America Chairman, CEO and President Kenneth D. Lewis. "'If it's yellow let it mellow' and 'If it's brown, flush it down -- but only after supervisory approval?' Is the Obama Administration even serious about this financial crisis, or is this some type of game to them?"

According to Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner, not only is TARP II intended to "return financial institutions to fiscal responsibility, but also increase an awareness of natural resources such as water." Geithner says that in order to build support for these new regulations, the Obama Administration has announced a national Request for Proposal (RFP) for a new line of bumper stickers, pens and t-shirts promoting "the efficient use of all wash basins, toilets, urinals and bidets." Geithner hopes that the popular "Mr. Hankey" character from the Comedy Central show "South Park" will enter be part of the promotion, adding "Everyone just loves that guy!"

For Marci Templeton, a personal banker at at Wells Fargo branch in Mesa, Arizona, the new restroom restrictions could not have come at a worse time. "I shake hands with clients all day, and now I can't even wash my hands? What if I'm not paying attention and there's an 'accident'? I just think that my clients would know something was up."

However, Wells Fargo has a solution that Joshua Fildenstein, Senior Vice President for Human Resources, says will suffice nicely. "It's called 'Purell.' And I never leave home without it."

Owner of attacking chimp sends victim a stuffed gorilla as gift

By Kerrigan Neeley and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

STAMFORD, CONN. -- Administrators at Stamford Community Hospital were dumbfounded last week when Sandra Herold, owner of Travis, the 200-pound chimpanzee who attacked her friend Charla Nash at her home here on February 17th, sent Nash a bouquet of flowers, a get well card, and a large, plushie stuffed gorilla.

According to Nancy Klemen, Director of Patient Care at Stamford Hospital, the fact that the stuffed animal gift was a gorilla and not a chimp was irrelevant, adding, "We are dumbfounded that this gift would seem appropriate under these circumstances."

In order to avoid any perceived insult at the Cleveland Clinic, where Nash was transferred on February 19th to prepare for future surgeries, the hospital has instituted a temporary ban on all stuffed primates throughout the hospital.

"We are forbidding all stuffed animals which resemble primates in any way from clinic property until further notice," said spokeswoman Marjorie Newman. "In addition, copies of the recent issue of Vogue magazine with Lebron James posing as a King Kong-type character on the cover have also been removed from Ms. Nash's floor."

Salma Hayek talks dirty to African baby during breastfeeding incident

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- Days after an ABC News "Nightline" crew captured actress Salma Hayek breastfeeding an African newborn, reports are emerging that Ms. Hayek's behavior bordered on the inappropriate during the incident. One bystander has also claimed that the newborn was growing irritable after having to negotiate around the Oscar-nominated and Emmy award-winning actress' nipple ring.

"Since Salma was whispering in Spanish, we couldn't really understand her," confided a soundman working for ABC News who wished to remain anonymous. "But since she was feeding the kid with one boob while playing with the other, we weren't sure whether she was getting the other one ready for 'show time' or simply getting off on it. It was very uncomfortable."

A spokewoman for ABC News insists that the actress was only sharing her passion for the 'natural act of breastfeeding' while on a humanitarian mission in Sierra Leone to address the country's epidemic of tetanus.

However, a bi-lingual transciber working for The Transcription Company in Burbank, California, says that he clearly heard what could only be described as 'palabras sucias,' or Spanish for 'dirty talk.'

"First she was repeating, '¿Ah usted así, qué?' ('Oh, you like that, huh?') and '¿Usted desea esas tetas grandes?' ('You want those big boobs?') to the child," Oscar Ramirez recently confided to the Los Angeles Times. "But after Hayek starts playing with her nipple at about the two-minute mark, she starts growling, 'Te quiero comer todo' ('I want to eat you all.'). After I reported it to my supervisor, he told me that ABC has opted not to offer a transcription for this clip and that I should forget about it."

The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services refused to comment about the incident, explaining in a brief email to the Associated Press that anything that happens outside of the county is "out of our jurisdiction."

Lillian Rasmussen also contributed to this story.

Declining pedophilia arrests linked to rising childhood obesity rates

By Darnell Washington and Arthur Buzzby, Newsophile Staff Writers

ATLANTA, GA -- Although the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention maintains that the rising rates of childhood obesity in the United States are still a major concern -- reaching nearly 18% in 2006 for children age 12 to 19 -- researchers have recently discovered an unexpected side benefit to fatter children: declining levels of pedophilia.

"Apparently many child molesters just hate fat kids," said Dave Dillon, Deputy Director of Media Relations for the CDC. "Although we were quite surprised by the results, we're excited that we finally found a potential solution to a problem that so far has not been solved by incarceration, therapy, Megan's Law lists or my personal favorite, chemical castration."

However, Ray Radow, a spokesman for the controversial North American Man-Boy Love Association (commonly known as NAMBLA), says that the new research released by the CDC is, in fact, "old news." According to Radow, the organization has been selling "No Fat Kids" bumper stickers and "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap!" t-shirts on its Web site and through various retail stores since early 2000. "Yes, we're picky -- and damn proud of it!" he explained.

But for Molly Hanford, a mother of two active boys in suburban Atlanta, the news is sure to bring some changes to her household. "Since my kids are thin and athletic, I need to protect them," she recently told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "So starting tomorrow I'm pulling them out of soccer and baseball (practice) and they're going to stay home and gorge on pizza and ice cream. It's really the only responsible thing to do."

Although the CDC's Dillon doesn't recommend fattening children up to avoid pedophiles, he said the federal government does understand the reasoning behind this innovative solution to a growing national menace made infamous on the NBC show "To Catch a Predator."

"If you're going to gorge your children on burgers, fries, pizza and ice cream," he offers, "at least start with smaller portions. As they grow into adults and thus become quite unattractive to pedophiles, be sure to re-introduce them to healthy eating and exercise programs."

Newsophile inks syndication deal

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LOS ANGELES -- As part of Newsophile Media's business plan to extend its original reports beyond the site Newsophile.com, the company has recently signed a syndication deal with potential future hosts including USAToday, CNN and The Washington Post.

Since inking the deal in late 2008, editors at the Chicago Sun-Times and ComputerShopper.com have already selected Newsophile content as "timely, accurate and useful" to their readers.

Most recently, Newsophile's expose on the first Presidential excrement by newly sworn-in Barack Obama was chosen as important "technology news" by ComputerShopper.com due to its emphasis on the state-of-the-art tests conducted immediately after the errant stool sample was discovered by a frightened White House maid.

In mid-December, editors of the business section at the Chicago Sun-Times selected the Newsophile story on former First Lady Barbara Bush replacing William Penn as the official face for the "Quakers Oats" brand, a subsidiary of food giant PepsiCo. Calling it "first-rate journalism" and "one of the best business scoops of 2008," editors have indicated they'll be using Newsophile content throughout 2009.

First Presidential turd by Barack Obama declared 'very healthy'

By Darnell Washington and Lillian Rasmussen, Newsophile Staff Writers

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Although Presidential fecal material is generally not assigned a high priority during the first days of a new administration, White House maid Maria O'Leary was so impressed with the clear 's-shape' of the excrement she found after Tuesday's swearing-in ceremony that she immediately phoned White House physician Richard Tibbs. It remains unclear why the newly minted U.S. leader did not flush after using the facility.

After receiving the call, Dr. Tibbs collected and submitted the fecal sample for testing, and toxicology reports released on Friday found the President's feces to be "very healthy." In fact, says Dr. Tibbs, "President Obama's post-inaugaural feces revealed a color, texture and shape of a man half his age. I just can't stop thinking about it."

First Lady Michelle Obama was not surprised by the report. "Unlike President H.W. Bush, Obama really does like his broccoli," she recently told the Reuters news agency. "It really helps plump up his stool and leads to a very efficient bowel movement. There's no time for bathroom reading in our busy life!"

Barack's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, offers some additional insight into the President's gastro-intestinal habits. "Barack and Michelle have called broccoli 'nature's broom' since they first started dating. Why do you think he's always smiling?"

Still, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs promised to find out why the toilet containing the fecal sample had not properly flushed. "If the President was never properly toilet trained," he told The Washington Post, "we may consider installing automatically flushing models made here in the U.S. -- you know, to help boost the domestic economy during these turbulent times."

Woman gives birth to swollen, infected appendix

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

SAN DIEGO, CA -- In a medical first, a surgical team at UC San Diego Medical Center has removed a diseased appendix known as "Marjorie" from a patient's vagina. The patient, medical student Diana Schlamadinger-Eistenstein, 28, was among the first in the United States to participate in a procedure known as Natural Orifice Translumenal Endoscopic Surgery (NOTES), which involves passing surgical instruments through a natural orifice, such as the mouth, vagina or rectum. As the technology improves, researchers are confident that NOTES can be expanded to include nostrils, eye sockets, ears and tear ducts.

"We originally wanted to remove the appendix through her mouth," explained Santiago Horgan, M.D., director of the UC San Diego Center for the Future of Surgery, "but when she wouldn't ever shut up, we realized using another orifice might be a lot quieter. Since she had a 'no rectum' rider to her contract, our choices were limited."

While Schlamadinger-Eistenstein is relieved that the surgery was successful, she continues to suffer from classic symptoms of post-partum depression usually reserved for mothers giving birth to fully formed human beings. "I realize I'm just a mother to a stillborn appendix in a jar, but tell that to my breasts," she tearfully told a reporter for the San Diego Union. "It's like they're ready to feed an army, and meanwhile I've got this jar on my nightstand saying 'No thanks, not hungry now!'"

In a rare example of agreement, both the local chapter of Planned Parenthood and the San Diego Catholic Archdiocese continue to urge Schlamadinger-Eistenstein to put Marjorie up for adoption. "There are a lot of willing labs around the country who could give this happy, cherubic appendix an excellent home," says Bishop Robert H. Brum. "Continuing to torture this poor organ with the nightly sight of lactating breasts and having no mouth to participate is totally inappropriate."

Nevertheless, Schlamadinger-Eistenstein is confident she'll move past the post-partum depression and prepare her vagina for better days to come. "One day I may even give birth to a pancreas, a kidney or part of my colon!"

Lillian Rasmussen also contributed to this story.

Former First Lady Barbara Bush to replace William Penn in Quaker Oats logo

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

CHICAGO, IL -- Food conglomerate The Quaker Oats Company, a unit of PepsiCo, has announced that a likeness of former First Lady Barbara Bush will soon replace that of William Penn, the Quaker and original founder of Pennsylvania who has graced the company's oatmeal boxes since 1877. Although the company has no formal ties to the Religious Society of Friends, also known as the Quakers, when it was formed in the 1800s a company founder decided upon the name after reading about the Quakers' emphasis on honesty, purity and truth.

"With the United States and the world changing so quickly, we decided it was time for Quaker Oats to catch up," said Robert S. Morrison, Quaker Oats' President and CEO. "And what better modern face to represent our emphasis on a healthy colon than Barbara Bush?"

For the former First Lady, however, the decision to join the famous brand was not an easy one. "They've been trying to talk me into doing this ever since my husband was first sworn in as President," she recently told Advertising Age magazine. "But as the years have gone by and my resemblance to William Penn has become increasingly obvious, I finally relented and told the folks at Quaker Oats that I'd sign on as soon as GW was out of office. I just hope they'll let me wear my pearls!"

For now, the company will continue airing spots with well-known senior Wilford Brimley, although Ms. Bush hints at an expanded role for her with Quaker. "That codger's time is up," she recently told The Houston Chronicle. "It's time to offer some Bush for breakfast!"

Atheists finding religion after Ann Coulter accident

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

PARSIPPANY, NJ -- After experiencing a bad fall last month, conservative author and personality Ann Coulter will reportedly need to have her jaw wired shut for a period of approximately six weeks. While her silence has undoubtedly brought calls of joy from the liberals she has regularly trounced in her books including "If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans," it has also unleashed an interesting response from the American atheist community: finding God.

"It's unlike anything I've ever seen in my 20 years as an activist," says Dr. John Bruckner, the newly named President of American Atheists, an education group oriented towards those who believe in secular humanism as opposed to a religious God. "As soon as news of Ms. Coulter's jaw being wired shut hit the airwaves and the Internet, our phones started ringing off the hook by members asking to cancel. Apparently the news made them believe that there is in fact, a God."

According to Edward Cardinal Logan, however, who heads up the Archdiocese of New York, such 'of the moment' conversions are, in fact, quite common and generally based on a compelling event in an individual's life.

So could Ann Coulter's accident count? Logan says it's quite possible.

"For an atheist to immediately convert to a God-fearing Christian, he or she would have to really, really hate Ms. Coulter, her books, her speeches and everything she stands for. From what I hear from my congregation, there are plenty of such people."

Still, Cardinal Logan does offer an alternative explanation. "For many people including our troubled brothers and sisters who forsake the Lord, this could simply be a happy coincidence."

Sunny von Bulow dies after 28 years in coma

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- After falling into a mysterious coma 28 years ago, Martha "Sunny" von Bulow died at a nursing home here on Saturday. It was suspected that the wealthy heiress, who was the subject of the 1990 film "Reversal of Fortune" starring Jeremy Irons and Glenn Close, had been poisoned by husband Claus von Bulow to inherit a large portion of her fortune, estimated at $40 to $60 million.

Prosectors contend that von Bulow had forced Sunny into a diabetic coma by repeatedly injecting her with insulin, and had intended to run off with a mistress following Sunny's death.

According to nursing home staff, however, Sunny continued to earn her nickname even when deep in the coma that characterized her life for nearly 30 years. "Sometimes when we'd turn her over to treat her bedsores she'd let out a little laugh," said Emma Ramirez, an LVN who cared for Ms. von Bulow since 2002. "She really made this place something special."

Paul Honning, Chief Administator for the Mary Manning Walsh Nursing Home on Manhattan's Upper East Side, noted that Sunny was also responsible for helping to solve a serious space crunch in mid-2003.

"When we had to convert the game room into more space for patients, they just started playing their games in Sunny's room," he says. "For Christmas Eve, we even laid out a huge spread of potluck food on her stomach and then used her feet to help prop up carafes of spiked eggnog and Christmas wassail. She truly will be missed."

Tourette Syndome Association (TSA) files complaint with FCC against "South Park" episode

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

BAYSIDE, NY -- An episode from the Comedy Central television show "South Park" originally produced in 2007 and focusing on Tourette Syndrome has recently caught the unwanted attention of the National Tourette Syndrome Association, or TSA. According to Judith Sweeney, the group's president, both Comedy Central and parent company Viacom, Inc. have ignored repeated calls for the comedy-focused network to stop running the offending episode for repeat broadcasts. The TSA has responded by filing a complaint with the FCC.

According to Ms. Sweeney, who was diagnosed with Tourette at age 5 and founded the TSA in Bayside, New York in 1972, "It would be one thing if the producers of South Park vomit-filled vagina! were trying to educate the public about this disease piss! piss out of my ass! Unfortunately, they're not mattress! soiled mattress!"

Adds Sweeney, "Instead, they're poking fun at a very socially debilitating illness chunky ropes launching from my gash! We just think that an important media company such as Viacom should exercise more of a responsibility to the viewing public diaper! delicious dripping diaper!"

FCC spokesman Rob Kenny says that the commission takes complaints such as this very seriously, and has pledged to investigate every offending word. "We will not rest until every utterance of piss, ass, gash, diaper and any other inappropriate word has been properly vetted," Kenny noted. The FCC is expected to issue its ruling on the complaint by March.

Lillian Rasmussen and Montague Abernathy also contributed to this story.

Chicago Bears names new mascot

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

CHICAGO, IL -- Following a controversial run since his first appearance in 2003, 'Staley da Bear,' the Chicago Bears' team official mascot, has recently been replaced with a new type of bear that majority team owner Virgina McCaksey concludes is more realistic.

"For years we had been getting fan letters from a different of 'bear' urging us for recognition," explained McCaskey, 85, who owns 80% of the team along with her family. "However, this type of bear isn't of the species ursus Americanus -- this one is distinctly human, along with a generous addition of hair -- and, of course, some sweet, tangy sweat."

However, the decision has been somewhat controversial among Bears franchise management. Complains Bears head couch Lovie Smith, "This is ridiculous. I've been hearing from a lot of really upset kids about this. Hairy, sweaty men instead of a cuddly stuffed animal? I don't think so."

Still, there are those groups who are sure to benefit from this change in mascot strategy. Says Randy Tranton, founder of Bear/Naked Chicago, "Hey, it's not a secret. We've been meeting in dens all over the city for 20 years. We're just happy to finally be recognized, and we're offering all Bears season ticket holders 20% off of our upcoming A Bear Christmastravaganza on December 24th. And yes, as tradition requires, everyone will be nude. I can't wait!"