Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Trump declares "largest national disaster crowd ever" to see him in Texas

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS -- While addressing a crowd of victims of Hurricane Harvey in this gulfside city, President Trump marveled at the number of people gathering to hear him speak.

"What a crowd, what a turnout!" Trump said to several hundred people surrounding a local fire station.

Trump and first lady Melania are visiting parts of Texas affected by the storm, which reached the coast as a Category 4 hurricane before being downgraded to a tropical storm.

"In fact," Trump said from a ladder positioned between two fire trucks, "I think this is probably the largest crowd ever gathered in the history of this great nation after a national disaster.  No matter what Mother Nature has to throw at my supporters, they will always gather to hear me.  Make America Great Again!"

After the remarks, White House spokeswoman Hope Hicks explained that Mr. Trump remains very concerned about storm victims, "Even those who refused to support him."




Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Trump strongly denies suggestion he has "early-onset...whatchamacallit"

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON -- Responding strongly to a suggestion by CNN commentator Ana Navarro that he might be suffering from "early-onset dementia," President Trump hit back hard earlier today.

"This is the best brain of any American President in history," he told an adoring crowd in Reno, Nevada, "and any suggestion by the fake news on CNN that I have -- quote -- 'early-onset...hmm...ya...whatchamacallit' -- endquote -- is terrible.  And wrong!"

"We're here to Make America Great Again," he shouted over the screaming crowd, "whether or not that Mexican Ana Navarro likes it or not.  She can go back to Mexico City or wherever and do her fake news there."

Ms. Navarro was born in Nicaragua and came to the U.S. with her family when she was nine.

Monday, August 21, 2017

President Trump takes credit for 'the best solar eclipse in history'

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON -- President Trump, back in the White House after a 17-day 'working vacation' in New Jersey and New York City, was able to view today's much-heralded solar eclipse from the Blue Room Balcony along with First Lady Melania Trump and son Barron.

When asked by a reporter "how's the view," the President produced a thumbs-up gesture, and, after the eclipse had ended, said at a brief news conference that it "was the best solar eclipse in history."

"No one has ever seen an eclipse this terrific in the history of the world, and that's because you didn't have Trump at the helm," he told CNN's Jim Acosta.

"Maybe that's some real news for your fake news network."

Although there was some concern when the President gestured to a large crowd of aides standing below on the South Lawn, shouted, "Don't miss the Trump eclipse!" and pointed to the sky without his glasses -- resulting in one concerned staffer shouting "Don’t look!” -- Trump later tweeted that his eyes are impervious to any damage from the sun.

"These Trump eyes are endescrutable!" insisted a follow-up tweet.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Chris Christie fashion calendar now for sale

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

TRENTON, NJ -- Embattled New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who recently learned that his bid for a new career replacing Mike ("Sports Pope") Francesca on radio station WFAN was denied, has decided to publish a fashion calendar to replace his income once his current term ends in January 2018.

Christie's wife Mary Pat, an investment banker, has been able to tap her own contacts to help raise money for the venture, which she claims will "show the world what a real man's body looks like in today's America."

She may have a point.  With over 35 percent of American men tipping the scales into the 'obese' category, her husband has plenty of company.

"He's actually pretty graceful when he walks, like he owns the place wherever he is," argued the doe-eyed Mary Pat in a recent press release announcing the calendar.

Although Governor Christie wasn't initially a fan of the idea, as he began the process of picking out his favorite photographs, he realized that he had a collection which has been described as "(expletive deleted) nirvana for (chubby) chasers."

Explains Christie, "I don't understand the (expletive deleted) chubby chaser phenomenon, but for the sake of my family, I'm glad they exist.  I once had a dozen of them grab my (expletive deleted) -- at the same time!"

"There were just so many options from which to choose," Christie says, "enough for several years of calendars.  For example, did everyone really appreciate the dexterity it took to protect my nachos when yelling at a stranger at a baseball game? That's why we chose that one for May."

"Whenever I see Chris in a baseball uniform, I'm reminded of why I married him," adds Mary Pat.  "I can tell you that a little bit of what some might call 'male camel toe' is what really gets me in the mood for some tender love-making.

I just wish sometimes that he'd finish chewing his food before going in for a wet kiss."

If the calendar is a success, the Christies also plan on a more 'adult' version of Chris lounging around at home.

"We're not talking about some (expletive deleted) with (expletive deleted)
hanging out for all to see," explains Chris.

Adds May Pat, "No, the adult version would be very elegant.  Just like Chris!"

The calendar will be available online and at select WalMart stores in time for the Christmas holiday season.  Suggested retail price?  $49.95.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Cryptkeeper sues Kellyanne Conway in celebrity likeness lawsuit.

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK, NY --Time Warner unit HBO, which produced the "Tales from the Crypt" horror anthology series from 1989 to 1996, has filed a 'celebrity likeness' lawsuit against Trump special advisor KellyAnne Conway.  The surprise lawsuit has been filed due to a "startling, discomfiting and potentially costly likeness to our commercial property in perpetuity, the Cryptkeeper."



The Cryptkeeper, the animated corpse puppet host of the series, would generally introduce each episode after "popping out of his coffin, cackling wildly; finally, green slime pours down over the screen as the main title appears."

Voiced by actor John Kassir and performed by puppeteer Van Snowden -- who had previously lit up the television stage as childrens' favorite H.R. Pufnstuf -- HBO maintains that while Conway admittedly doesn't have any connection with green slime, her other physical characteristics are simply too close to ignore.

"This isn't personal, I actually like her a lot," insists HBO President Andrew Pieper.  "But we're a public company, so we have a fiduciary responsibility to our investors to protect our assets.  In this case that means going after another public figure who borrows our copyrighted appearance as some short of short cut to financial success."

As Pieper explains, the continuing popularity of "Tales from the Crypt" DVDs and Cryptkeeper merchandise sold through Time Warner-affiliated theme parks, big-box retailers and online merchant Amazon.com could actually impact the media giant's bottom line.

"Our fear is that viewers will see Kellyanne on CNN or Fox News, equate that look with our iconic Cryptkeeper, and assume our host has somehow transformed into a Trump spokesperson.  I can assure you that is certainly not the case, and we demand an immediate cease and desist from Ms. Conway."

The White House could not be reached for comment.

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Clinton and Trump Scratch n' Sniff Dolls Announced by Mattel

by Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

EL SEGUNDO, CA -- Leveraging the intense interest of the 2016 election for U.S. President just weeks prior to the November 8th election, global leader Mattel, famous for its collection of Barbie dolls and accessories, has announced what it claims are 'authentic' Scratch 'n Sniff dolls in the likeness of Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald J. Trump.

"No expense was spared for this exciting new product," said Jackson Sinclair, Chairman and CEO of the toy giant, "including consulting with Sebastian Burr, the world's most foremost fragrance expert."

Burr, a former scent-critic-turned consultant, considers the dolls among his most challenging assignments to date, explaining that capturing the essence of two such polarizing figures was far beyond the scope of his usual job of helping to create a new perfume.

To achieve this goal, the Trump doll was subdivided into distinct body regions, all of which required a different scent, such as mint for the lips (to emulate Tic Tacs) or 'gamey female smell' for his now-infamous hands.

For the Clinton doll, however, Burr opted for an overall 'old lady scent,' with a special layer of what he calls 'dusty, nothing to see here!' fragrance dabs around the former Secretary of State's private parts.

But Burr insists that there are also many 'hidden secrets of olfactory delight' to be discovered by discerning doll owners, as he believes that fragrance can powerfully capture a feeling, moment, or emotion.

Still, not everyone agrees that Burr accurately captured the unique fragrance markers of the two candidates.

Anne Dean, a co-founder of Pacific Coast Research in Los Angeles, said that her initial focus group of the new product found the Trump version smelling like 'the worst casserole ever.'  Adds Dean, "It's as if this doll man's hands, feet and lips had been just about everywhere.  And beneath all of that is that weird smell which someone gets from a spray tan.  One lady even threw up!"

Comments for the Clinton doll, however, were more mixed. Explains Dean, "Although some people found the 'old lady smell' to remind them of fond childhood memories, others currently caring for relatives in nursing homes felt anxious and impatient, especially when detecting the faint whiff of pine often used in cleaning products."

For its part, Mattel is introducing the dolls only as collector's items, and is thus limiting the number of units produced.  Interested buyers can currently reserve their doll -- including customizing it with fragrance add-ons such as "Trump's Strip-Bar Extravaganza" or "Hillary's Campaign Yeast Infection" -- only from Mattel's Web site through the end of 2016.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Donald Trump vows to ban pantsuits for women

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK, NY -- In an apparent reaction to Hillary Clinton's speech attacking his foreign policy credentials and temperament, presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump has argued for a complete ban on pantsuits for women.

"Everytime I see a some chick like crooked Hillary Clinton in a pantsuit, I want to punch her," mused Trump over a large tostado at his office in Trump Tower.  "You want a pantsuit, Hillary?  Think of the orange kind -- like the kind you'll get in jail."


However, it seems that Trump's passionate dislike for pantsuits has a history rooted far in the past.

"When I first put Ivana in charge of my casinos, not only did she not have dinner ready at night," argued Trump, "but she started wearing these ugly, bulky pantsuits in order to remind everyone that 'she was in charge' or whatever.  It was terrible.  I told Ivana it was back to tight dresses, skirts and blouses for her, or I was going to call my divorce attorney.  She complied."

First introduced in the 1920s, the pantsuit concept was launched by a small number of women adopting a masculine style, including pantsuits, hats, and even canes and monocles. However, the term, "trouser suit" had been previously used in Britain during World War I, with reference to women working in factories, driving trucks, working in construction or acting as stevedores.

Still, pantsuits were often deprecated as inappropriately masculine clothing for women. For example, until 1993, women were not permitted to wear pantsuits (or pants of any kind, especially those artificially distressed) on the United States Senate floor.

In 1993, Senators  Barbara Mikulski and Carol Moseley Braun wore Levis brand dungarees onto the floor in defiance of the rule, sometimes with large rings of keys hanging from their belts.  Later that year, Senate Sergeant-at-Arms Martha Pope amended the rule to allow women to wear pants on the floor so long as they also wore a jacket. 

Trump, however, does offer a defense. "I did allow Ivana her to sell those things so the investment wasn't a total loss.  But I'm not a monster:  I told her she could skip the high heels every day.  That's something, right?"

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Herman Cain: "Stay Away from my Cadillac, my Hi-Fi and my color TV!"

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

STOCKBRIDGE, GA -- Current GOP candidate Herman Cain, rising quickly in the polls as the result of his strong performance in recent debates, has also continued his attack on "Occupy Wall Street" and the similar demonstrations now taking place throughout the world.

"If you want your own Cadillac, you must work for it," he said recently while on CBS' weekly show 'Face the Nation.' "And I'll say the same thing for anything else you want -- a nice Sony Trinitron color TV or fancy hi-fi system? Work for it. A new waterbed? Work for it? An 8-track system for your automobile? Work for it!"

When asked specifics about his now-famous '9-9-9' plan to change the U.S. tax code, Cain demurred, changing the subject back to his frustration at the protestors attempting to take over Wall Street.

"That shag carpet or bean bag chair in the living room? That isn't free. That lava lamp in the bedroom? Yes, it costs money! You don't just go steal someone else's leisure suit when going out for a night to disco dance. You EARN it. Have I made myself clear?"

For more information on Cain's 9-9-9 plan, visit his Web site at www.hermancain.com.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Christian Leader: Jesus Christ is a Fact, Mormonism is Cult Fiction

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Immediately after introducing Texas Governor Rick Perry as a "genuine follower of Jesus Christ" at a major conference of Christian conservatives here, pastor Robert Jeffress of Dallas, Texas then walked outside to attack GOP candidate Mitt Romney's Mormon religion. Besides labeling the Mormon Church a 'cult,' Jeffress also stated that neither Mr. Romney nor other Mormons can be considered Christian.

When reached afterwards by the press, pastor Jeffress, who leads a large Southern Baptist congregation, was surprised that his comments even made headlines. "This isn't news," he said. "This idea that Mormonism is a theological cult is not news, either.

"Think about it. We know for a fact that Jesus ascended into heaven. We know for a fact that God spoke to Moses via the burning bush. They've got who, this Angel Moroni? Who talked directly to Joseph Smith? That doesn't even make sense. It if isn't in the Scripture, it didn't happen. I'm sorry, but I don't make the rules, that's just the way it is.

"And what's with these golden plates that Moroni gave to Smith? Is that supposed to be fancier than the simple stone tablets which God gave to Moses for the Ten Commandments? Who do these Mormons think they are, with their huge temples and their big choirs? You never see that type of crap with the Evangelicals, I'll tell you that.

And that, my friends, is why Mormonism is a cult. Period."

Reached afterwards for comment, Tony Perkins, president of Family Research Council, argued that tapping Pastor Jeffress to introduce Governor Perry had nothing to do with Perry's own bid for the GOP nomination. "Let me be frank," said Perkins. "Mormonism is a cult because we say it is. We've got more members. That's how it works in a democracy. God Bless America!"

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Rick Santorum battles Google, insists on cleanliness during sodomy

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LEESBURG, VA -- Former Senator and Presidential candidate Rick Santorum, who has been unsuccessfully battling the search engine giant Google to remove all links to the Web site www.spreadingsantorum.com, is now explaining why he finds the site so offensive.

The Web site, launched four years ago by Dan Savage and other activists incensed by Santorum's comments about homosexuality, was intended to redefine the definition of the politician's surname as a form of punishment. As as a result, the top results on search engines looking for "Santorum" refers first to a 'frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex' versus the candidate himself. The new definition has gained so much traction that it's also led to a new (and more detailed) listing on the site UrbanDictionary.com.

Says Santorum, "This filth and these lies impact not only myself, but my entire family. This disgusting Web site implies that my wife and I don't even bother to prepare for intimate relations, which I can assure you is not the case. Fecal matter? I don't think so! In fact, I have devised a detailed check list on where and how to clean all orifices prior to penetration by any object."

Santorum's wife Karen, who has previously remained silent on the matter, confirms the procedures she must endure prior to any sexual relations with her husband, who has a minor case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). "It's like I'm cleaning myself out back there for the high school football team!" she often jokes with friends. "I'd even serve meals down there, but I don't think the kids would like it."

Mrs. Santorum, who has given birth to seven children, confides that the former Senator prefers "Door #2" because "after having that many kids, the front door is pretty, well...beaten up. I wouldn't go down there either!"

According to recent Quantcast figures, traffic to the offensive Web site during July of 2011 was actually nearly double that of the Santorum's Presidential candidate site, leading to great confusion among the GOP faithful. Complains 85-year-old Mildred Wolford of Pittsburgh, PA, "I don't know if I'm voting for my former Senator or some type of perverted scoundrel. I can't even believe there's even a word for this type of activity. In my day we simply referred to it as 'getting freaky.' I'm going to stay away from this scallywag and stick with Mitt Romney!"

For its part, a Google spokesperson has said that the search engine "does not remove content from our search results except in very limited cases," and suggests that the GOP candidate complain directly to the site's Web master.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Michele Bachmann involved with own Twitter scandal

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Amidst the continuing drama centered around raising the national debt limit, a new story is emerging about Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) sending out inappropriate images with her own Twitter account. Considering that former Rep. Anthony Wiener (D-NY) was forced to resign in disgrace in June of 2011 due to his own Twitter scandal, it's likely that these revelations could at least derail her ambitions to clinch the Republican nomination for President in 2012.

However, according to Becky Rocknell, Communications Director for Rep. Bachmann, in this case the Twitter account was 'clearly hacked' and the FBI is investigating. "These images bear no likeness whatsoever to the Congresswoman," says Rocknell, "and are simply meant to degrade the fine work she does on behalf of the country."

The images in question, which focus on a woman in a business suit sitting inappropriately without underwear as well as a close-up of what Ms. Rocknell claims is in fact a "healthy serving of roast beef" and not the Congresswoman's private parts, have been making the rounds on Capitol Hill as well as on multiple sites on the Internet.

Rep. Bachmann's husband, Dr. Marcus Bachmann, refused to confirm or deny whether or not the photos -- and especially the one possibly masquerading as roast beef -- were those of his wife. "Honestly, between her political career, raising our many kids and running our Christian-based clinic, I haven't been that far south since the 1980s," Mr. Bachmann retorted when questioned after a campaign rally. "And frankly, it's really nobody's business anyway. You try having five kids and see what your vajayjay looks like."

Thursday, July 21, 2011

"Where in the World is Casey Anthony?" game in development

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

BOSTON, MA -- As a result of the enormous publicity surrounding the whereabouts of the infamous Casey Anthony, who was acquitted on July 5th in Miami, Florida of murdering her two-year-old daughter Caylee, the makers of the children's game "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" are planning an update of the storied game to focus on the alleged child killer.

The game is made by The Learning Company, a division of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, the world's largest provider of educational products and solutions for preschool through Grade 12 students. Although the new game, tentatively entitled, "Where in the World is Casey Anthony?" will share some common traits with the original made famous in the 1990s, there will be also some distinct differences.

According to Tony Bardot, President of The Learning Company, instead of searching for various villains around the world as in the original game, players will receive clues in order to guess where Anthony is participating in wet t-shirt contests, drinking games, strip pole dancing and other similar activities. "It's such a different world than when Carmen Sandiego was first launched," says Bardot, "so we thought this new game should reflect the current reality. At the same time, players will still learn about world geography in a fun and entertaining way."

However, the new game has certainly not been greeted with universal enthusiasm. According to Rita Dutmeyer, Founder and CEO of Mothers Against Matricide (MAM) in Atlanta, Georgia, the new game seems to make light of a very serious issue. "Our concern is that fame-seeking mothers elsewhere will commit similar atrocities in order to get games named after them. And just where does this end -- games about past serial killers around the world? Maybe the life of Hitler or Stalin to learn about Europe? It's just sick."

Responds The Learning Company's Bardot, "No, we had never actually considered that, she's clearly exaggerating. But, honestly, it's not a bad idea!"

Monday, July 11, 2011

Betty Ford sex films released day before funeral

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LONDON, U.K. -- In an apparent bid to make sure the final issue of its scandal-plagued "News of the World" tabloid was memorable, Rupert Murdock's News Corp. decided to post steamy sex films of former First Lady Betty Ford on its Web site, just one day before memorial services are scheduled for Tuesday, July 12 in Palm Desert, California.

Ford, who died Friday, July 8 at the Eisenhower Medical Center in Rancho Mirage, was most famous for her candor and discussion of her personal battles with breast cancer, addiction to prescription pills and alcoholism. Since the recovery center bearing her name was opened in 1982, it has welcomed over 75,000 patients.

What was less known about the former First Lady was her life prior to meeting and marrying the future President Gerald Ford in 1948. While studying dance with Martha Graham and other choreographers in the late 1930s, Ford also modeled part-time with a local agency while living in the Chelsea neighborhood of New York City. It is thought that the adult films in question were made as the aspiring model was attempting to make a career transition from a life as a traditional dancer.

The film reels, stored on several reels of 8-millimeter stock found in a Grand Rapids, Michigan storage unit in 2003 but kept in hiding until after her death, were sold to News of the World, which was the highest bidder under the terms of a secret auction.

According to editor Sebastian Colson- now under fire for his role in a wire-tapping scandal that brought down the storied paper - the Ford films were extremely vulgar by the standards of the time, and even today would be considered rather distasteful.

"These celebrity sex tapes you see today might have better technology," said Colson, "but Betty really knew how to keep an audience enraptured with an amazing body, a very dirty mind and a copious amount of liquids. What kind of liquids? You'll have to log on to find out!"

Since the Web site for the paper has also shut down, parent company News Corp. has set up a separate Internet address at www.bettyfordhotstuff.com and also converted the films for viewing on the site YouTube.com.

According to family spokesperson and daughter Susan Ford Bayless, the Ford family is not amused by the timing of the release of these films and has asked the online versions to be removed. Complains Bayless, "Sure, I know my mother was photogenic, but can't you people just show photos of her in the White House?"