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Saturday, October 15, 2011

Herman Cain: "Stay Away from my Cadillac, my Hi-Fi and my color TV!"

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

STOCKBRIDGE, GA -- Current GOP candidate Herman Cain, rising quickly in the polls as the result of his strong performance in recent debates, has also continued his attack on "Occupy Wall Street" and the similar demonstrations now taking place throughout the world.

"If you want your own Cadillac, you must work for it," he said recently while on CBS' weekly show 'Face the Nation.' "And I'll say the same thing for anything else you want -- a nice Sony Trinitron color TV or fancy hi-fi system? Work for it. A new waterbed? Work for it? An 8-track system for your automobile? Work for it!"

When asked specifics about his now-famous '9-9-9' plan to change the U.S. tax code, Cain demurred, changing the subject back to his frustration at the protestors attempting to take over Wall Street.

"That shag carpet or bean bag chair in the living room? That isn't free. That lava lamp in the bedroom? Yes, it costs money! You don't just go steal someone else's leisure suit when going out for a night to disco dance. You EARN it. Have I made myself clear?"

For more information on Cain's 9-9-9 plan, visit his Web site at www.hermancain.com.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Christian Leader: Jesus Christ is a Fact, Mormonism is Cult Fiction

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Immediately after introducing Texas Governor Rick Perry as a "genuine follower of Jesus Christ" at a major conference of Christian conservatives here, pastor Robert Jeffress of Dallas, Texas then walked outside to attack GOP candidate Mitt Romney's Mormon religion. Besides labeling the Mormon Church a 'cult,' Jeffress also stated that neither Mr. Romney nor other Mormons can be considered Christian.

When reached afterwards by the press, pastor Jeffress, who leads a large Southern Baptist congregation, was surprised that his comments even made headlines. "This isn't news," he said. "This idea that Mormonism is a theological cult is not news, either.

"Think about it. We know for a fact that Jesus ascended into heaven. We know for a fact that God spoke to Moses via the burning bush. They've got who, this Angel Moroni? Who talked directly to Joseph Smith? That doesn't even make sense. It if isn't in the Scripture, it didn't happen. I'm sorry, but I don't make the rules, that's just the way it is.

"And what's with these golden plates that Moroni gave to Smith? Is that supposed to be fancier than the simple stone tablets which God gave to Moses for the Ten Commandments? Who do these Mormons think they are, with their huge temples and their big choirs? You never see that type of crap with the Evangelicals, I'll tell you that.

And that, my friends, is why Mormonism is a cult. Period."

Reached afterwards for comment, Tony Perkins, president of Family Research Council, argued that tapping Pastor Jeffress to introduce Governor Perry had nothing to do with Perry's own bid for the GOP nomination. "Let me be frank," said Perkins. "Mormonism is a cult because we say it is. We've got more members. That's how it works in a democracy. God Bless America!"

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Rick Santorum battles Google, insists on cleanliness during sodomy

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LEESBURG, VA -- Former Senator and Presidential candidate Rick Santorum, who has been unsuccessfully battling the search engine giant Google to remove all links to the Web site www.spreadingsantorum.com, is now explaining why he finds the site so offensive.

The Web site, launched four years ago by Dan Savage and other activists incensed by Santorum's comments about homosexuality, was intended to redefine the definition of the politician's surname as a form of punishment. As as a result, the top results on search engines looking for "Santorum" refers first to a 'frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex' versus the candidate himself. The new definition has gained so much traction that it's also led to a new (and more detailed) listing on the site UrbanDictionary.com.

Says Santorum, "This filth and these lies impact not only myself, but my entire family. This disgusting Web site implies that my wife and I don't even bother to prepare for intimate relations, which I can assure you is not the case. Fecal matter? I don't think so! In fact, I have devised a detailed check list on where and how to clean all orifices prior to penetration by any object."

Santorum's wife Karen, who has previously remained silent on the matter, confirms the procedures she must endure prior to any sexual relations with her husband, who has a minor case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). "It's like I'm cleaning myself out back there for the high school football team!" she often jokes with friends. "I'd even serve meals down there, but I don't think the kids would like it."

Mrs. Santorum, who has given birth to seven children, confides that the former Senator prefers "Door #2" because "after having that many kids, the front door is pretty, well...beaten up. I wouldn't go down there either!"

According to recent Quantcast figures, traffic to the offensive Web site during July of 2011 was actually nearly double that of the Santorum's Presidential candidate site, leading to great confusion among the GOP faithful. Complains 85-year-old Mildred Wolford of Pittsburgh, PA, "I don't know if I'm voting for my former Senator or some type of perverted scoundrel. I can't even believe there's even a word for this type of activity. In my day we simply referred to it as 'getting freaky.' I'm going to stay away from this scallywag and stick with Mitt Romney!"

For its part, a Google spokesperson has said that the search engine "does not remove content from our search results except in very limited cases," and suggests that the GOP candidate complain directly to the site's Web master.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Michele Bachmann involved with own Twitter scandal

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Amidst the continuing drama centered around raising the national debt limit, a new story is emerging about Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN) sending out inappropriate images with her own Twitter account. Considering that former Rep. Anthony Wiener (D-NY) was forced to resign in disgrace in June of 2011 due to his own Twitter scandal, it's likely that these revelations could at least derail her ambitions to clinch the Republican nomination for President in 2012.

However, according to Becky Rocknell, Communications Director for Rep. Bachmann, in this case the Twitter account was 'clearly hacked' and the FBI is investigating. "These images bear no likeness whatsoever to the Congresswoman," says Rocknell, "and are simply meant to degrade the fine work she does on behalf of the country."

The images in question, which focus on a woman in a business suit sitting inappropriately without underwear as well as a close-up of what Ms. Rocknell claims is in fact a "healthy serving of roast beef" and not the Congresswoman's private parts, have been making the rounds on Capitol Hill as well as on multiple sites on the Internet.

Rep. Bachmann's husband, Dr. Marcus Bachmann, refused to confirm or deny whether or not the photos -- and especially the one possibly masquerading as roast beef -- were those of his wife. "Honestly, between her political career, raising our many kids and running our Christian-based clinic, I haven't been that far south since the 1980s," Mr. Bachmann retorted when questioned after a campaign rally. "And frankly, it's really nobody's business anyway. You try having five kids and see what your vajayjay looks like."

Thursday, July 21, 2011

"Where in the World is Casey Anthony?" game in development

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

BOSTON, MA -- As a result of the enormous publicity surrounding the whereabouts of the infamous Casey Anthony, who was acquitted on July 5th in Miami, Florida of murdering her two-year-old daughter Caylee, the makers of the children's game "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?" are planning an update of the storied game to focus on the alleged child killer.

The game is made by The Learning Company, a division of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, the world's largest provider of educational products and solutions for preschool through Grade 12 students. Although the new game, tentatively entitled, "Where in the World is Casey Anthony?" will share some common traits with the original made famous in the 1990s, there will be also some distinct differences.

According to Tony Bardot, President of The Learning Company, instead of searching for various villains around the world as in the original game, players will receive clues in order to guess where Anthony is participating in wet t-shirt contests, drinking games, strip pole dancing and other similar activities. "It's such a different world than when Carmen Sandiego was first launched," says Bardot, "so we thought this new game should reflect the current reality. At the same time, players will still learn about world geography in a fun and entertaining way."

However, the new game has certainly not been greeted with universal enthusiasm. According to Rita Dutmeyer, Founder and CEO of Mothers Against Matricide (MAM) in Atlanta, Georgia, the new game seems to make light of a very serious issue. "Our concern is that fame-seeking mothers elsewhere will commit similar atrocities in order to get games named after them. And just where does this end -- games about past serial killers around the world? Maybe the life of Hitler or Stalin to learn about Europe? It's just sick."

Responds The Learning Company's Bardot, "No, we had never actually considered that, she's clearly exaggerating. But, honestly, it's not a bad idea!"

Monday, July 11, 2011

Betty Ford sex films released day before funeral

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LONDON, U.K. -- In an apparent bid to make sure the final issue of its scandal-plagued "News of the World" tabloid was memorable, Rupert Murdock's News Corp. decided to post steamy sex films of former First Lady Betty Ford on its Web site, just one day before memorial services are scheduled for Tuesday, July 12 in Palm Desert, California.

Ford, who died Friday, July 8 at the Eisenhower Medical Center in Rancho Mirage, was most famous for her candor and discussion of her personal battles with breast cancer, addiction to prescription pills and alcoholism. Since the recovery center bearing her name was opened in 1982, it has welcomed over 75,000 patients.

What was less known about the former First Lady was her life prior to meeting and marrying the future President Gerald Ford in 1948. While studying dance with Martha Graham and other choreographers in the late 1930s, Ford also modeled part-time with a local agency while living in the Chelsea neighborhood of New York City. It is thought that the adult films in question were made as the aspiring model was attempting to make a career transition from a life as a traditional dancer.

The film reels, stored on several reels of 8-millimeter stock found in a Grand Rapids, Michigan storage unit in 2003 but kept in hiding until after her death, were sold to News of the World, which was the highest bidder under the terms of a secret auction.

According to editor Sebastian Colson- now under fire for his role in a wire-tapping scandal that brought down the storied paper - the Ford films were extremely vulgar by the standards of the time, and even today would be considered rather distasteful.

"These celebrity sex tapes you see today might have better technology," said Colson, "but Betty really knew how to keep an audience enraptured with an amazing body, a very dirty mind and a copious amount of liquids. What kind of liquids? You'll have to log on to find out!"

Since the Web site for the paper has also shut down, parent company News Corp. has set up a separate Internet address at www.bettyfordhotstuff.com and also converted the films for viewing on the site YouTube.com.

According to family spokesperson and daughter Susan Ford Bayless, the Ford family is not amused by the timing of the release of these films and has asked the online versions to be removed. Complains Bayless, "Sure, I know my mother was photogenic, but can't you people just show photos of her in the White House?"

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Peter Falk's glass eye listed for sale on eBay

By Darnell Washington and Lillian Rasmussen, Newsophile Staff Writers

SAN JOSE, CA -- The glass eye of recently deceased actor Peter Falk, who died at his home at age 83 in Beverly Hills on the night of Thursday, June 23, has recently been listed on the online auction site ebay.com. With a minimum bid of $50,000 and a "Buy It Now" price of $2.5 million, it is not known how the seller of the eye, "PFALKFAN," managed to gain possession of the medical device.

Falk received the glass eye at age 3, when the original eye was removed due to a cancerous tumor. Yet it was the combination of his unique squint resulting from this prosthesis and a slight speech impediment which made his most famous character, Frank Columbo, one of the most beloved on NBC's line-up during the 1970s and, with less frequency, on ABC from 1989 through 2003.

According to Larry Lawson, a longtime friend of Falk's and his personal attorney, the family does not support the selling of the eye, and suspects that an employee at the mortuary they used, Bel Air's Beauty Rest Funeral Home & Spa, surreptitiously removed the stolen eye during the embalming process. "They knew what they were doing," said Lawson, "because even with an open-casket viewing, it's not like they're going to prop his eyes open so we would even know one was gone. Frankly, it's unconscionable."

According to ebay's Matthew Ambrose, however, the listing of the eye has not violated the company's Terms of Service. "I grew up watching re-runs -- endless reruns -- of Columbo at my Nana's house almost every summer of my childhood, so I'm just as upset as anyone else by this tacky item," said Ambrose, "but I can't find anything in our guidelines which prevents it from being listed."

Added ebay's Chief Security Officer David Collonate, "Our user 'PFALKFAN1' is a member with excellent standing, boasting a positive feedback rate of 98.7%. If the Falk family can prove that the eye in question was stolen from the body, then we welcome reviewing the evidence and making a decision for delisting at that time."

Should the eye sell at the suggested retail price of $2.5 million, ebay would collect over $31,000 in fees and commissions.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Florida toddlers riot after Casey Anthony acquittal

By Darnell Washington and Lillian Rasmussen, Newsophile Staff Writers

ORLANDO, FL -- Moments after hearing about the the not guilty verdict of Casey Anthony for killing her 2-year-old daughter three years ago, toddlers throughout Florida escaped local playgrounds, ran out of their homes and tore away from their parents' and babysitters' hands in order to stage what has been deemed 'the nation's first toddler flash mob riot.'

Anthony, 25, wept after the clerk read the verdict after less than 11 hours of deliberation over two days. Instead, she was convicted only of four counts of lying to investigators looking into the disappearance of her daughter in June of 2008. The report of the conviction of these minor offenses was met with was met with shock and anger among the state's pre-school population.

"I've never seen anything like this," said Miami Police Chief Juan Esposito.
"Apparently these kids are really angry about this verdict, calling it 'our own OJ' and have decided to express themselves in public -- with and without Pampers." Proctor & Gamble, the company which makes Pampers, did not return phone calls but said in an email response that 'this storied diaper brand is one of peace and not violence. We ask that all clients wearing our diapers go to your rooms immediately.'

In South M
iami, a crowd of approximately 500 truant preschoolers began turning over Smart Cars and throwing half-eaten ice cream cones against policemen attempting to quell the violence. Reports Police Sergeant Anna Ramirez, "The only thing that saved us was their sugar levels crashing, and suddenly everyone just sat down in the middle of the street and started crying. Wow, talk about a relief!"

According to spokesman Mikey Johnson, 4, of Azalea Park, a suburb of Orlando, he and his group of 20 followers didn't escape his pre-school yard to riot in the streets but to simply express their anger, stomping his feet repeatedly and yelling, "No! Not fair!"

Casey Anthony will be sentenced on Thursday, and could receive up to a year in jail for each count of lying.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

NAACP objects to term "Black Friday"

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

BALTIMORE, MD -- After years of remaining silent on the subject, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, commonly known as the NAACP, has issued a press release objecting to the term "Black Friday."

According to NAACP head Benjamin Todd Johnson, "the idea of thousands of people pushing and shoving over each other to get the best deal and labeling that as something 'black' should be offensive to all people of color." The organization has also called on major retailers including WalMart, Sears, Nordstrom, Macy's, Target and even Apple to replace the offending term by Friday, November 26, 2010 or risk boycotts by NAACP members.

The term refers to the day after Thanksgiving and is generally considered the start of the Christmas shopping season. Its origins date back to the late 1960s in Philadelphia, in which the streets would turn 'black' with pedestrian and car traffic. By the mid-1970s, the term had spread nationally and also included the idea that retailers were finally 'in the black' and turning a profit.

Most retailers book the bulk of their revenue during the holiday shopping season, and some are taking the threat of the boycott seriously. According to Gregg Steinmen, CEO of Target Corp., "we greatly value our shoppers of color, who make up nearly 40% of our revenue and 80% of our jewelry purchases. Since it's too late to change our marketing materials for this Friday, we're hoping to work closely with the NAACP to come up with something great for next year, such as 'Crazy Cracker Day' in order to even out the score."

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Glenn Beck earns long-delayed high school GED

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW CANAAN, CT -- After receiving an honorary doctorate degree from Liberty University last May, Fox News personality Glenn Beck has also recently earned a long-delayed high school GED degree from his alma mater in Bellingham, Washington.

Although Beck did attend Sehome High School in the early 1980s, his abuse of what he has called 'Dr. Jack Daniels,' along with an addiction to other drugs and a previously undiagnosed Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, ultimately prompted him to drop out prior to earning a degree. It was after dropping out of high school that Beck relocated to Provo, Utah to work at radio station KAYK, where he first began to voice his personal opinions on economics, politics and pop culture in the hopes of 'educating the moronic masses.'

Armed with his new GED and his honorary doctorate from Liberty -- which bills itself as the world's largest Christian university -- Beck hopes to improve on his 2009 New York Times best-seller, "Arguing With Idiots: How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government."

"You see, not only have I graduated from high school, but I'm also now a doctor," a teary-eyed Beck told his audience on his popular Fox News program. "And that means I can go toe-to-toe with the greatest minds in economics, politics and the environment. Folks like that Thomas Jefferson guy have nothing on me -- and he's dead anyway!"

Fans of Beck seem to largely agree with this assessment of his new academic credentials, suggesting that a pairing with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin would make them a formidable duo for the 2012 Presidential election. Says Glenn Beck Fan Club President Barney Stover of Belmont, West Virginia, "We (sic) seen how people got all excited about Barack Hussein Obama's fancy law degree from wherever, and now Glenn's just as educated. What do you have to say about that, Mr. President?"

For now, Beck continues to downplay rumors of his bid for the Republican nomination, but hints that future degrees many strengthen his intellectual ammunition. "There are a ton of fine Christian colleges and universities just like Liberty out there," he told a rapt audience after his commencement address. "Just wait'll until I also have doctorates in stuff like math, astrology and the sciences!"

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Zsa Zsa Gabor Stabilized After Contracting Syphilis

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LOS ANGELES -- After being admitted in the early afternoon of August 31 to Ronald Reagan-UCLA Medical Center in Westwood for 'flu-like' symptoms, Zsa Zsa Gabor's publicist reports that the 93-year-old actress has been stabilized but may have contracted an especially virulent form of syphilis. Ms. Gabor has been in and out of the hospital since breaking her hip on July 17 at her home in Bel Air.

When not diagnosed in its initial stage, the disease can progress and include symptoms including body rashes, weight loss and low-grade fever. In many cases, these symptoms can mimic those of the common flu.

According to publicist Joan Blanchette, "it's not anyone's business how, where and from whom Ms. Gabor contracted the disease," and that fans should instead focus on praying for her quick recovery.

As for her ninth husband, 65-year-old Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt, while he did not offer any theories on the source of the syphilis, he suggested to TMZ that he and Ms. Gabor managed to continue an 'active and creative sex life' even following her hip injury, adding, "She was in a wheelchair, she wasn't dead!"

Prinz von Anhalt refused to comment on whether Ms. Gabor's diagnosis is related to recent rumors of wife swapping and other group activity among long-time friends of the couple in their 70s and 80s.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens to retire?

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With many political pundits predicting that 88-year-old Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens was waiting until the 2008 election results were in before announcing his retirement from the bench, the current question in Washington circles today is "When?"

Stevens, considered a liberal member of the Court but actually nominated by President Gerald Ford in 1975 and subsequently confirmed 98-0 by the Senate, is remaining silent for now on the subject but has hinted at pursuing some post-Supreme Court interests.

"I think it's finally time for me to 'sow my wild oats,'"Stevens recently told The Washington Post. "Between serving in The Great War, getting married at 22 and then starting a law practice, I never got to participate in those crazy orgies of the 60s and 70s, although I would sometimes fantasize about them when fornicating with my first wife, Elizabeth."

Stevens, an avid tennis player, also intends to travel and spend more time with second wife MaryAn, whom he married in 1979. "She's actually quite adventurous for a woman her age, and for years has talked about something called 'a Dirty Sanchez," he confided in a close friend who wishes to remain anonymous. "But that's kid stuff. I'm ready for a little swinging, a bit of the 'Angry Dragon,' and my personal favorite, receiving a good old-fashioned 'blumpkin.' Then I can die a happy man with both empty bowels and balls."

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Showtime to debut porn-oriented soap opera

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons, Special to Newsophile

NEW YORK -- Showtime officials have announced that "The Ripe and the Raw" will debut on the pay television service on June 9, 2011.

Billed as the first ever 'porn soap opera', the show will follow the "Ups and downs, ins and outs, and highs and lows of one of the richest industries on earth."

Starring Tera Patrick, Keeley Hazell, Jenna Jameson, Peter North, Ron Jeremy, and the stuffed corpse of Marilyn Chambers, the show promises to 'keep you up all night', have you 'on the edge of your seat', and keep you 'waiting with mastur-baited breath' for next week's episode.

"Putting us on Showtime allows for the ripeness and the rawness of what to do to really come up to the surface," stated Jameson.

"I'm totally up for this show!" said a clearly excited Peter North, "I can't wait to come in for shooting."

"I'm coming this weekend," said Ms. Hazell, "to begin fitting for costumes. In one of the episodes I have a big hump," apparently a reference to a Quasimodo scene she is in.

"Come and play!" was all Ms. Patrick could manage through a full mouth during the interview.

Richard Long, the show's producer, claims their audience will not only be treated to "great, gooey gobs of porn", but a real insider's look inside the dark moistness of what is surely a very popular guilty pleasure.

Haitian Quake Blamed on Voodoo

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons, Special to Newsophile

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI -- In the midst of the rubble, the destruction, the piles of bodies and the cries for help, one man has stepped forward to accept responsibility for this week's horrendous earthquake event in Haiti.

He is Dr. Eyeball, a noted practitioner of Senteria and Haitian Voodoo.

As news crews attempted to film the demolished presidential palace, Dr. Eyeball stepped in front of a camera to display his voodoo doll of the nation of Haiti and cried "Sinners all dead! I made the earthquake to scourge the Earth of evil sinners!" (The doll was actually a papier-mache model of the island itself, complete with painted geography and a GI Joe head in the place of Port-au-Prince.)

As cameramen pushed him aside to film what they felt was the real story, Dr. Eyeball demonstrated his powers by quickly improvising a voodoo doll of Chen Nguong Nung, a Miami reporter, out of an empty can, a paper clip, and a matchbook. He followed by tearing off the 'head' of the doll, causing Nung to instantly explode while cameras were running. As if this weren't enough, Dr. Eyeball proceeded to deliver an ancient voodoo chant that, after 5 continuous minutes, caused every cameraman within 30 feet to bleed from the ears and nostrils.

At this point the Haitian National Guard appeared on the scene, lit some 'spleef,' and sat down to see what else Dr. Eyeball would come up with. Not wishing to disappoint, the good doctor launched into a 15-minute monologue on why he felt it necessary to destroy his own home and people. Surprisingly, the doctor vanished in a puff of smoke when he finished speaking and rescue crews are currently searching the island for him.