Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Rick Santorum battles Google, insists on cleanliness during sodomy

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LEESBURG, VA -- Former Senator and Presidential candidate Rick Santorum, who has been unsuccessfully battling the search engine giant Google to remove all links to the Web site, is now explaining why he finds the site so offensive.

The Web site, launched four years ago by Dan Savage and other activists incensed by Santorum's comments about homosexuality, was intended to redefine the definition of the politician's surname as a form of punishment. As as a result, the top results on search engines looking for "Santorum" refers first to a 'frothy mix of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex' versus the candidate himself. The new definition has gained so much traction that it's also led to a new (and more detailed) listing on the site

Says Santorum, "This filth and these lies impact not only myself, but my entire family. This disgusting Web site implies that my wife and I don't even bother to prepare for intimate relations, which I can assure you is not the case. Fecal matter? I don't think so! In fact, I have devised a detailed check list on where and how to clean all orifices prior to penetration by any object."

Santorum's wife Karen, who has previously remained silent on the matter, confirms the procedures she must endure prior to any sexual relations with her husband, who has a minor case of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD). "It's like I'm cleaning myself out back there for the high school football team!" she often jokes with friends. "I'd even serve meals down there, but I don't think the kids would like it."

Mrs. Santorum, who has given birth to seven children, confides that the former Senator prefers "Door #2" because "after having that many kids, the front door is pretty, well...beaten up. I wouldn't go down there either!"

According to recent Quantcast figures, traffic to the offensive Web site during July of 2011 was actually nearly double that of the Santorum's Presidential candidate site, leading to great confusion among the GOP faithful. Complains 85-year-old Mildred Wolford of Pittsburgh, PA, "I don't know if I'm voting for my former Senator or some type of perverted scoundrel. I can't even believe there's even a word for this type of activity. In my day we simply referred to it as 'getting freaky.' I'm going to stay away from this scallywag and stick with Mitt Romney!"

For its part, a Google spokesperson has said that the search engine "does not remove content from our search results except in very limited cases," and suggests that the GOP candidate complain directly to the site's Web master.