Sunday, December 20, 2009

Tiger Woods' own mother 16th woman to come forward as mistress

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

JUPITER ISLAND, FL -- Now that the list of Tiger Woods' mistresses has officially hit 15 (rumored to be singer Jessica Simpson), inside sources are telling Newsophile that number 16 may in fact be a woman closest to the famous golfer's heart: his own mother, Kultida ("Tida") Woods.

"Tida never really liked (current wife) Elin (Nordegren), frequently saying, 'she so white it's blinding!'" the source said on condition of anonymity. "She really wanted Tiger to marry a nice girl who was also 1/4 African American, 1/4 Thai, 1/4 Chinese, 1/8 Native American and 1/8 Dutch, saying 'he not look hard enough.'"

"She even placed ads on Craigslist for him, but everyone thought it was a joke, which just broke her heart."

Ultimately, when Tiger and Elin began to drift apart Tida offered to step in, in the hopes of providing 'Everything you need in sordid affair except for dirty talk. Ok, maybe little dirty talk.'

Once news of the multiple other mistresses broke, Tida clandestinely hired infamous L.A. attorney Gloria Allred, apparently to sell her story to the media and to arrange an appropriate settlement with her son Tiger. "Oh sure, he buy me a car," she wrote in her complaint, "But it's a cheap, stripped-down Buick he got for free. Not even proper rice rocket!"

Thursday, December 17, 2009

BBC offers quasi-apology for its online debate on killing gays in Uganda


After considerable pressure, it looks like the BBC has finally caved and offered an apology for hosting an online discussion on whether or not gays should be executed in Uganda.

Wrote BBC World Service Director Peter Horrocks on a company blog, "We apologize for any offense it caused," adding that he still thought that the program was a legitimate attempt to encourage discussion about a crucial African issue.

As proof of that commitment, he hopes to host future episodes on whether or not men with AIDS should rape virgins as a cure, when and if genocide is the most practical solution to warring factions, and the morality of re-instating the slave trade in poorer African countries, ultimately adding the pseudo-borrowed tagline, "It's not TV - it's BBC!"

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

What did Senator Schumer really say?


An AP story out of New York says that Senator Charles Shumer made an inappropriate remark about a flight attendant who asked him to turn off his cell phone prior to a commercial flight taking off.

While it's anyone's guess what type of expletives Shumer actually muttered under his breath towards the airline employee, our sources report he said the following: "Ah, don't blow your wig, ya stupid broad. You're really gumming the works for me today, and that's all wet."

Really, Senator? Don't be surprised is impeachment is on the menu for you.

Greenhouse gases destroy North Pole

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons
Special to Newsophile

PT. BARROW, ALASKA -- According to recent reports, homeless elves have been appearing for weeks in the tiny community of Barrow, Alaska, and scientists have finally discovered why: greenhouse gasses have melted the North Pole homestead of Santa Claus, causing the poorly supervised elves to seek food and shelter elsewhere.

Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment, with his press agent citing 'pressing issues related to Mr. Tiger Woods' black book', but this reporter did manage to speak with an elf who did not wish to be identified because he wasn't authorized to talk to the press.

"The tops of the castle have been dripping for years and he (Claus) didn't do a thing about it," the seemingly embittered elf claims. "Then, two weeks ago, a wind seemed to come right out of the basement, thereby sucking the entire structure into what is now just a very cold pond."

Adds another disgruntled worker, "We can't even fish in it."

Sources have also discovered that despite centuries of organization, there is no union protecting the benefits of the Elven workers.

"The castle is gone, Santa is gone, and we have nowhere to turn except Hollywood," says Beebus Matzohpelius, Santa's second in command, as he waved from his convertible BMW before heading south. "We're thinking we could make great avatars!"

Back in Barrow, the residents seemed to be only mildly disturbed once they recovered from the initial 'elf sighting' shock. Says Cody Hunter, a longtime resident, "Well, we had some polar bears show up in numbers a few years back and that's when we started picking up our garbage and re-using condoms before tossing them. Don't know what to do about the Elves, though... feed 'em to the polar bears, maybe?"

Adds Sue Littlejohn, owner of 'Suzy's Cutesy Cuddly Christmas Shoppe,' "I let them sleep outside my shop and feed them candy in the morning so they don't go hungry. And then I beat them because that's how I grew up, and look how swell I turned out!"

Another resident of Barrow, also agreeing to speak only on condition of anonymity, said the elves behave more like an urban homeless person, such as rattling through garbage cans, falling inside and then screaming for help to get out, singing off-key holiday carols to no one in particular and, adding insult to injury, threatening shoppers with an unpleasant Christmas if they don't provide a donation.

"I think the city council needs to take a stand," says local journalist Hank Legolas. "You let one of these little peckers in town, and the next thing you know they have taken over! What is this, the San Diego-Tijuana border?"

In a related incident, former V.P. Al Gore was carried off the set of Chris Matthews' show on MSNBC when asked about these elves, reportedly heaving and spitting out the words "I'm not lying" through what onlookers described as an 'apoplectic fit.'