Thursday, February 26, 2009

TARP II funds restricting use of banks' restroom facilities

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Apparently hidden deep in the rhetoric of the guidelines for the release of "TARP II" financing to prop up insolvent banks is a new restriction on the use of restroom facilities serving those institutions receiving federal funds.

These new regulations, which include specific guidelines on when bank employees can wash their hands or flush a toilet, have resulted in outrage throughout the banking community.

"Oh, c'mon, what is this, the 1970s?" asked Bank of America Chairman, CEO and President Kenneth D. Lewis. "'If it's yellow let it mellow' and 'If it's brown, flush it down -- but only after supervisory approval?' Is the Obama Administration even serious about this financial crisis, or is this some type of game to them?"

According to Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner, not only is TARP II intended to "return financial institutions to fiscal responsibility, but also increase an awareness of natural resources such as water." Geithner says that in order to build support for these new regulations, the Obama Administration has announced a national Request for Proposal (RFP) for a new line of bumper stickers, pens and t-shirts promoting "the efficient use of all wash basins, toilets, urinals and bidets." Geithner hopes that the popular "Mr. Hankey" character from the Comedy Central show "South Park" will enter be part of the promotion, adding "Everyone just loves that guy!"

For Marci Templeton, a personal banker at at Wells Fargo branch in Mesa, Arizona, the new restroom restrictions could not have come at a worse time. "I shake hands with clients all day, and now I can't even wash my hands? What if I'm not paying attention and there's an 'accident'? I just think that my clients would know something was up."

However, Wells Fargo has a solution that Joshua Fildenstein, Senior Vice President for Human Resources, says will suffice nicely. "It's called 'Purell.' And I never leave home without it."

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Owner of attacking chimp sends victim a stuffed gorilla as gift

By Kerrigan Neeley and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

STAMFORD, CONN. -- Administrators at Stamford Community Hospital were dumbfounded last week when Sandra Herold, owner of Travis, the 200-pound chimpanzee who attacked her friend Charla Nash at her home here on February 17th, sent Nash a bouquet of flowers, a get well card, and a large, plushie stuffed gorilla.

According to Nancy Klemen, Director of Patient Care at Stamford Hospital, the fact that the stuffed animal gift was a gorilla and not a chimp was irrelevant, adding, "We are dumbfounded that this gift would seem appropriate under these circumstances."

In order to avoid any perceived insult at the Cleveland Clinic, where Nash was transferred on February 19th to prepare for future surgeries, the hospital has instituted a temporary ban on all stuffed primates throughout the hospital.

"We are forbidding all stuffed animals which resemble primates in any way from clinic property until further notice," said spokeswoman Marjorie Newman. "In addition, copies of the recent issue of Vogue magazine with Lebron James posing as a King Kong-type character on the cover have also been removed from Ms. Nash's floor."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Salma Hayek talks dirty to African baby during breastfeeding incident

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- Days after an ABC News "Nightline" crew captured actress Salma Hayek breastfeeding an African newborn, reports are emerging that Ms. Hayek's behavior bordered on the inappropriate during the incident. One bystander has also claimed that the newborn was growing irritable after having to negotiate around the Oscar-nominated and Emmy award-winning actress' nipple ring.

"Since Salma was whispering in Spanish, we couldn't really understand her," confided a soundman working for ABC News who wished to remain anonymous. "But since she was feeding the kid with one boob while playing with the other, we weren't sure whether she was getting the other one ready for 'show time' or simply getting off on it. It was very uncomfortable."

A spokewoman for ABC News insists that the actress was only sharing her passion for the 'natural act of breastfeeding' while on a humanitarian mission in Sierra Leone to address the country's epidemic of tetanus.

However, a bi-lingual transciber working for The Transcription Company in Burbank, California, says that he clearly heard what could only be described as 'palabras sucias,' or Spanish for 'dirty talk.'

"First she was repeating, '¿Ah usted así, qué?' ('Oh, you like that, huh?') and '¿Usted desea esas tetas grandes?' ('You want those big boobs?') to the child," Oscar Ramirez recently confided to the Los Angeles Times. "But after Hayek starts playing with her nipple at about the two-minute mark, she starts growling, 'Te quiero comer todo' ('I want to eat you all.'). After I reported it to my supervisor, he told me that ABC has opted not to offer a transcription for this clip and that I should forget about it."

The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services refused to comment about the incident, explaining in a brief email to the Associated Press that anything that happens outside of the county is "out of our jurisdiction."

Lillian Rasmussen also contributed to this story.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Declining pedophilia arrests linked to rising childhood obesity rates

By Darnell Washington and Arthur Buzzby, Newsophile Staff Writers

ATLANTA, GA -- Although the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention maintains that the rising rates of childhood obesity in the United States are still a major concern -- reaching nearly 18% in 2006 for children age 12 to 19 -- researchers have recently discovered an unexpected side benefit to fatter children: declining levels of pedophilia.

"Apparently many child molesters just hate fat kids," said Dave Dillon, Deputy Director of Media Relations for the CDC. "Although we were quite surprised by the results, we're excited that we finally found a potential solution to a problem that so far has not been solved by incarceration, therapy, Megan's Law lists or my personal favorite, chemical castration."

However, Ray Radow, a spokesman for the controversial North American Man-Boy Love Association (commonly known as NAMBLA), says that the new research released by the CDC is, in fact, "old news." According to Radow, the organization has been selling "No Fat Kids" bumper stickers and "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap!" t-shirts on its Web site and through various retail stores since early 2000. "Yes, we're picky -- and damn proud of it!" he explained.

But for Molly Hanford, a mother of two active boys in suburban Atlanta, the news is sure to bring some changes to her household. "Since my kids are thin and athletic, I need to protect them," she recently told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "So starting tomorrow I'm pulling them out of soccer and baseball (practice) and they're going to stay home and gorge on pizza and ice cream. It's really the only responsible thing to do."

Although the CDC's Dillon doesn't recommend fattening children up to avoid pedophiles, he said the federal government does understand the reasoning behind this innovative solution to a growing national menace made infamous on the NBC show "To Catch a Predator."

"If you're going to gorge your children on burgers, fries, pizza and ice cream," he offers, "at least start with smaller portions. As they grow into adults and thus become quite unattractive to pedophiles, be sure to re-introduce them to healthy eating and exercise programs."

Monday, February 2, 2009

Newsophile inks syndication deal

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LOS ANGELES -- As part of Newsophile Media's business plan to extend its original reports beyond the site, the company has recently signed a syndication deal with potential future hosts including USAToday, CNN and The Washington Post.

Since inking the deal in late 2008, editors at the Chicago Sun-Times and have already selected Newsophile content as "timely, accurate and useful" to their readers.

Most recently, Newsophile's expose on the first Presidential excrement by newly sworn-in Barack Obama was chosen as important "technology news" by due to its emphasis on the state-of-the-art tests conducted immediately after the errant stool sample was discovered by a frightened White House maid.

In mid-December, editors of the business section at the Chicago Sun-Times selected the Newsophile story on former First Lady Barbara Bush replacing William Penn as the official face for the "Quakers Oats" brand, a subsidiary of food giant PepsiCo. Calling it "first-rate journalism" and "one of the best business scoops of 2008," editors have indicated they'll be using Newsophile content throughout 2009.