Friday, December 8, 2017

GOP plans to rename itself Government of Pedophiles

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Bowing to pressure among its rank and file that pursuing romantic relationships with children and teens under age 18 is not only supported by Biblical stories but should be 'celebrated,' the Republican National Committee has opted to change the meaning of its long-standing GOP acronym to "Government of Pedophiles."

"This is the best news I've heard in years!" crowed embattled Senate candidate Roy Moore, while his spokesperson, Jan Porter, added, "You can't argue with the Bible!  Plus, we barely have to change our letterhead."

Since first being attached to the Republican Party as early as 1870, the phrase "Grand Old Party" has generally been meant to evoke support of liberty and human rights, so the change certainly will encounter some resistance.

While President Trump has not made a formal statement on the name change, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders was a bit more blunt:  "Any Republican, no matter his behavior towards others, is still better than a Democrat in that seat.  If people don't like it, they're free to move to another country."

Other groups, such as the North American Man/Boy Love Association (NAMBLA), see only good news in the change.  "Our phones are ringing off the hook," said founder Daniel Thorstad.  "Potential members are excited that they can finally attend conservative functions and church services while proudly wearing their NAMBLA buttons.  'Make America Great Again?'  I'd sure say so!"

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

Trump declares "largest national disaster crowd ever" to see him in Texas

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

CORPUS CHRISTI, TEXAS -- While addressing a crowd of victims of Hurricane Harvey in this gulfside city, President Trump marveled at the number of people gathering to hear him speak.

"What a crowd, what a turnout!" Trump said to several hundred people surrounding a local fire station.

Trump and first lady Melania are visiting parts of Texas affected by the storm, which reached the coast as a Category 4 hurricane before being downgraded to a tropical storm.

"In fact," Trump said from a ladder positioned between two fire trucks, "I think this is probably the largest crowd ever gathered in the history of this great nation after a national disaster.  No matter what Mother Nature has to throw at my supporters, they will always gather to hear me.  Make America Great Again!"

After the remarks, White House spokeswoman Hope Hicks explained that Mr. Trump remains very concerned about storm victims, "Even those who refused to support him."

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

Trump strongly denies suggestion he has "early-onset...whatchamacallit"

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON -- Responding strongly to a suggestion by CNN commentator Ana Navarro that he might be suffering from "early-onset dementia," President Trump hit back hard earlier today.

"This is the best brain of any American President in history," he told an adoring crowd in Reno, Nevada, "and any suggestion by the fake news on CNN that I have -- quote -- 'early-onset...hmm...ya...whatchamacallit' -- endquote -- is terrible.  And wrong!"

"We're here to Make America Great Again," he shouted over the screaming crowd, "whether or not that Mexican Ana Navarro likes it or not.  She can go back to Mexico City or wherever and do her fake news there."

Ms. Navarro was born in Nicaragua and came to the U.S. with her family when she was nine.

Monday, August 21, 2017

President Trump takes credit for 'the best solar eclipse in history'

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON -- President Trump, back in the White House after a 17-day 'working vacation' in New Jersey and New York City, was able to view today's much-heralded solar eclipse from the Blue Room Balcony along with First Lady Melania Trump and son Barron.

When asked by a reporter "how's the view," the President produced a thumbs-up gesture, and, after the eclipse had ended, said at a brief news conference that it "was the best solar eclipse in history."

"No one has ever seen an eclipse this terrific in the history of the world, and that's because you didn't have Trump at the helm," he told CNN's Jim Acosta.

"Maybe that's some real news for your fake news network."

Although there was some concern when the President gestured to a large crowd of aides standing below on the South Lawn, shouted, "Don't miss the Trump eclipse!" and pointed to the sky without his glasses -- resulting in one concerned staffer shouting "Don’t look!” -- Trump later tweeted that his eyes are impervious to any damage from the sun.

"These Trump eyes are endescrutable!" insisted a follow-up tweet.

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Chris Christie fashion calendar now for sale

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

TRENTON, NJ -- Embattled New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who recently learned that his bid for a new career replacing Mike ("Sports Pope") Francesca on radio station WFAN was denied, has decided to publish a fashion calendar to replace his income once his current term ends in January 2018.

Christie's wife Mary Pat, an investment banker, has been able to tap her own contacts to help raise money for the venture, which she claims will "show the world what a real man's body looks like in today's America."

She may have a point.  With over 35 percent of American men tipping the scales into the 'obese' category, her husband has plenty of company.

"He's actually pretty graceful when he walks, like he owns the place wherever he is," argued the doe-eyed Mary Pat in a recent press release announcing the calendar.

Although Governor Christie wasn't initially a fan of the idea, as he began the process of picking out his favorite photographs, he realized that he had a collection which has been described as "(expletive deleted) nirvana for (chubby) chasers."

Explains Christie, "I don't understand the (expletive deleted) chubby chaser phenomenon, but for the sake of my family, I'm glad they exist.  I once had a dozen of them grab my (expletive deleted) -- at the same time!"

"There were just so many options from which to choose," Christie says, "enough for several years of calendars.  For example, did everyone really appreciate the dexterity it took to protect my nachos when yelling at a stranger at a baseball game? That's why we chose that one for May."

"Whenever I see Chris in a baseball uniform, I'm reminded of why I married him," adds Mary Pat.  "I can tell you that a little bit of what some might call 'male camel toe' is what really gets me in the mood for some tender love-making.

I just wish sometimes that he'd finish chewing his food before going in for a wet kiss."

If the calendar is a success, the Christies also plan on a more 'adult' version of Chris lounging around at home.

"We're not talking about some (expletive deleted) with (expletive deleted)
hanging out for all to see," explains Chris.

Adds May Pat, "No, the adult version would be very elegant.  Just like Chris!"

The calendar will be available online and at select WalMart stores in time for the Christmas holiday season.  Suggested retail price?  $49.95.

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

Cryptkeeper sues Kellyanne Conway in celebrity likeness lawsuit.

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK, NY --Time Warner unit HBO, which produced the "Tales from the Crypt" horror anthology series from 1989 to 1996, has filed a 'celebrity likeness' lawsuit against Trump special advisor KellyAnne Conway.  The surprise lawsuit has been filed due to a "startling, discomfiting and potentially costly likeness to our commercial property in perpetuity, the Cryptkeeper."

The Cryptkeeper, the animated corpse puppet host of the series, would generally introduce each episode after "popping out of his coffin, cackling wildly; finally, green slime pours down over the screen as the main title appears."

Voiced by actor John Kassir and performed by puppeteer Van Snowden -- who had previously lit up the television stage as childrens' favorite H.R. Pufnstuf -- HBO maintains that while Conway admittedly doesn't have any connection with green slime, her other physical characteristics are simply too close to ignore.

"This isn't personal, I actually like her a lot," insists HBO President Andrew Pieper.  "But we're a public company, so we have a fiduciary responsibility to our investors to protect our assets.  In this case that means going after another public figure who borrows our copyrighted appearance as some short of short cut to financial success."

As Pieper explains, the continuing popularity of "Tales from the Crypt" DVDs and Cryptkeeper merchandise sold through Time Warner-affiliated theme parks, big-box retailers and online merchant could actually impact the media giant's bottom line.

"Our fear is that viewers will see Kellyanne on CNN or Fox News, equate that look with our iconic Cryptkeeper, and assume our host has somehow transformed into a Trump spokesperson.  I can assure you that is certainly not the case, and we demand an immediate cease and desist from Ms. Conway."

The White House could not be reached for comment.