Sunday, August 20, 2017

Chris Christie fashion calendar now for sale

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

TRENTON, NJ -- Embattled New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, who recently learned that his bid for a new career replacing Mike ("Sports Pope") Francesca on radio station WFAN was denied, has decided to publish a fashion calendar to replace his income once his current term ends in January 2018.

Christie's wife Mary Pat, an investment banker, has been able to tap her own contacts to help raise money for the venture, which she claims will "show the world what a real man's body looks like in today's America."

She may have a point.  With over 35 percent of American men tipping the scales into the 'obese' category, her husband has plenty of company.

"He's actually pretty graceful when he walks, like he owns the place wherever he is," argued the doe-eyed Mary Pat in a recent press release announcing the calendar.

Although Governor Christie wasn't initially a fan of the idea, as he began the process of picking out his favorite photographs, he realized that he had a collection which has been described as "(expletive deleted) nirvana for (chubby) chasers."

Explains Christie, "I don't understand the (expletive deleted) chubby chaser phenomenon, but for the sake of my family, I'm glad they exist.  I once had a dozen of them grab my (expletive deleted) -- at the same time!"

"There were just so many options from which to choose," Christie says, "enough for several years of calendars.  For example, did everyone really appreciate the dexterity it took to protect my nachos when yelling at a stranger at a baseball game? That's why we chose that one for May."

"Whenever I see Chris in a baseball uniform, I'm reminded of why I married him," adds Mary Pat.  "I can tell you that a little bit of what some might call 'male camel toe' is what really gets me in the mood for some tender love-making.

I just wish sometimes that he'd finish chewing his food before going in for a wet kiss."

If the calendar is a success, the Christies also plan on a more 'adult' version of Chris lounging around at home.

"We're not talking about some (expletive deleted) with (expletive deleted)
hanging out for all to see," explains Chris.

Adds May Pat, "No, the adult version would be very elegant.  Just like Chris!"

The calendar will be available online and at select WalMart stores in time for the Christmas holiday season.  Suggested retail price?  $49.95.