Wednesday, November 24, 2010

NAACP objects to term "Black Friday"

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

BALTIMORE, MD -- After years of remaining silent on the subject, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, commonly known as the NAACP, has issued a press release objecting to the term "Black Friday."

According to NAACP head Benjamin Todd Johnson, "the idea of thousands of people pushing and shoving over each other to get the best deal and labeling that as something 'black' should be offensive to all people of color." The organization has also called on major retailers including WalMart, Sears, Nordstrom, Macy's, Target and even Apple to replace the offending term by Friday, November 26, 2010 or risk boycotts by NAACP members.

The term refers to the day after Thanksgiving and is generally considered the start of the Christmas shopping season. Its origins date back to the late 1960s in Philadelphia, in which the streets would turn 'black' with pedestrian and car traffic. By the mid-1970s, the term had spread nationally and also included the idea that retailers were finally 'in the black' and turning a profit.

Most retailers book the bulk of their revenue during the holiday shopping season, and some are taking the threat of the boycott seriously. According to Gregg Steinmen, CEO of Target Corp., "we greatly value our shoppers of color, who make up nearly 40% of our revenue and 80% of our jewelry purchases. Since it's too late to change our marketing materials for this Friday, we're hoping to work closely with the NAACP to come up with something great for next year, such as 'Crazy Cracker Day' in order to even out the score."

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Glenn Beck earns long-delayed high school GED

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW CANAAN, CT -- After receiving an honorary doctorate degree from Liberty University last May, Fox News personality Glenn Beck has also recently earned a long-delayed high school GED degree from his alma mater in Bellingham, Washington.

Although Beck did attend Sehome High School in the early 1980s, his abuse of what he has called 'Dr. Jack Daniels,' along with an addiction to other drugs and a previously undiagnosed Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, ultimately prompted him to drop out prior to earning a degree. It was after dropping out of high school that Beck relocated to Provo, Utah to work at radio station KAYK, where he first began to voice his personal opinions on economics, politics and pop culture in the hopes of 'educating the moronic masses.'

Armed with his new GED and his honorary doctorate from Liberty -- which bills itself as the world's largest Christian university -- Beck hopes to improve on his 2009 New York Times best-seller, "Arguing With Idiots: How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government."

"You see, not only have I graduated from high school, but I'm also now a doctor," a teary-eyed Beck told his audience on his popular Fox News program. "And that means I can go toe-to-toe with the greatest minds in economics, politics and the environment. Folks like that Thomas Jefferson guy have nothing on me -- and he's dead anyway!"

Fans of Beck seem to largely agree with this assessment of his new academic credentials, suggesting that a pairing with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin would make them a formidable duo for the 2012 Presidential election. Says Glenn Beck Fan Club President Barney Stover of Belmont, West Virginia, "We (sic) seen how people got all excited about Barack Hussein Obama's fancy law degree from wherever, and now Glenn's just as educated. What do you have to say about that, Mr. President?"

For now, Beck continues to downplay rumors of his bid for the Republican nomination, but hints that future degrees many strengthen his intellectual ammunition. "There are a ton of fine Christian colleges and universities just like Liberty out there," he told a rapt audience after his commencement address. "Just wait'll until I also have doctorates in stuff like math, astrology and the sciences!"

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Zsa Zsa Gabor Stabilized After Contracting Syphilis

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LOS ANGELES -- After being admitted in the early afternoon of August 31 to Ronald Reagan-UCLA Medical Center in Westwood for 'flu-like' symptoms, Zsa Zsa Gabor's publicist reports that the 93-year-old actress has been stabilized but may have contracted an especially virulent form of syphilis. Ms. Gabor has been in and out of the hospital since breaking her hip on July 17 at her home in Bel Air.

When not diagnosed in its initial stage, the disease can progress and include symptoms including body rashes, weight loss and low-grade fever. In many cases, these symptoms can mimic those of the common flu.

According to publicist Joan Blanchette, "it's not anyone's business how, where and from whom Ms. Gabor contracted the disease," and that fans should instead focus on praying for her quick recovery.

As for her ninth husband, 65-year-old Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt, while he did not offer any theories on the source of the syphilis, he suggested to TMZ that he and Ms. Gabor managed to continue an 'active and creative sex life' even following her hip injury, adding, "She was in a wheelchair, she wasn't dead!"

Prinz von Anhalt refused to comment on whether Ms. Gabor's diagnosis is related to recent rumors of wife swapping and other group activity among long-time friends of the couple in their 70s and 80s.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens to retire?

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With many political pundits predicting that 88-year-old Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens was waiting until the 2008 election results were in before announcing his retirement from the bench, the current question in Washington circles today is "When?"

Stevens, considered a liberal member of the Court but actually nominated by President Gerald Ford in 1975 and subsequently confirmed 98-0 by the Senate, is remaining silent for now on the subject but has hinted at pursuing some post-Supreme Court interests.

"I think it's finally time for me to 'sow my wild oats,'"Stevens recently told The Washington Post. "Between serving in The Great War, getting married at 22 and then starting a law practice, I never got to participate in those crazy orgies of the 60s and 70s, although I would sometimes fantasize about them when fornicating with my first wife, Elizabeth."

Stevens, an avid tennis player, also intends to travel and spend more time with second wife MaryAn, whom he married in 1979. "She's actually quite adventurous for a woman her age, and for years has talked about something called 'a Dirty Sanchez," he confided in a close friend who wishes to remain anonymous. "But that's kid stuff. I'm ready for a little swinging, a bit of the 'Angry Dragon,' and my personal favorite, receiving a good old-fashioned 'blumpkin.' Then I can die a happy man with both empty bowels and balls."

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Showtime to debut porn-oriented soap opera

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons, Special to Newsophile

NEW YORK -- Showtime officials have announced that "The Ripe and the Raw" will debut on the pay television service on June 9, 2011.

Billed as the first ever 'porn soap opera', the show will follow the "Ups and downs, ins and outs, and highs and lows of one of the richest industries on earth."

Starring Tera Patrick, Keeley Hazell, Jenna Jameson, Peter North, Ron Jeremy, and the stuffed corpse of Marilyn Chambers, the show promises to 'keep you up all night', have you 'on the edge of your seat', and keep you 'waiting with mastur-baited breath' for next week's episode.

"Putting us on Showtime allows for the ripeness and the rawness of what to do to really come up to the surface," stated Jameson.

"I'm totally up for this show!" said a clearly excited Peter North, "I can't wait to come in for shooting."

"I'm coming this weekend," said Ms. Hazell, "to begin fitting for costumes. In one of the episodes I have a big hump," apparently a reference to a Quasimodo scene she is in.

"Come and play!" was all Ms. Patrick could manage through a full mouth during the interview.

Richard Long, the show's producer, claims their audience will not only be treated to "great, gooey gobs of porn", but a real insider's look inside the dark moistness of what is surely a very popular guilty pleasure.

Haitian Quake Blamed on Voodoo

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons, Special to Newsophile

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI -- In the midst of the rubble, the destruction, the piles of bodies and the cries for help, one man has stepped forward to accept responsibility for this week's horrendous earthquake event in Haiti.

He is Dr. Eyeball, a noted practitioner of Senteria and Haitian Voodoo.

As news crews attempted to film the demolished presidential palace, Dr. Eyeball stepped in front of a camera to display his voodoo doll of the nation of Haiti and cried "Sinners all dead! I made the earthquake to scourge the Earth of evil sinners!" (The doll was actually a papier-mache model of the island itself, complete with painted geography and a GI Joe head in the place of Port-au-Prince.)

As cameramen pushed him aside to film what they felt was the real story, Dr. Eyeball demonstrated his powers by quickly improvising a voodoo doll of Chen Nguong Nung, a Miami reporter, out of an empty can, a paper clip, and a matchbook. He followed by tearing off the 'head' of the doll, causing Nung to instantly explode while cameras were running. As if this weren't enough, Dr. Eyeball proceeded to deliver an ancient voodoo chant that, after 5 continuous minutes, caused every cameraman within 30 feet to bleed from the ears and nostrils.

At this point the Haitian National Guard appeared on the scene, lit some 'spleef,' and sat down to see what else Dr. Eyeball would come up with. Not wishing to disappoint, the good doctor launched into a 15-minute monologue on why he felt it necessary to destroy his own home and people. Surprisingly, the doctor vanished in a puff of smoke when he finished speaking and rescue crews are currently searching the island for him.

TSA Accused of Dabbling in Child Porn

By Long Tung Duc, Special to Newsophile

KISSIMMEE, FLORIDA -- Nine-year-old Cub Scout Terrance Dobkins knows a thing or two about airport security, and thinks he could stop those terrorists without having to fund the operation by selling kiddy porn. That's because Terrance happens to share a name with a known terrorist who appears on the TSA's watch list, and as a frequent traveler, he's had his share of cup checks by airport security. During this summer's family vacation to Jamaica, the TSA arranged a body scan photo shoot for Terrance when his name was spotted while getting his boarding pass with his family.

Transportation Security expert Thomas Fin stated on Friday, "We don't often get a chance to scan a kid with these babies, but when you do, you jump at it!" TSA officials acknowledge that scanning minors is a touchy subject, but since Miami International Airport has been one of a limited number of trial airports to have the new full body scanners installed, according to Fin, "We nail every kid we can." Adds Fin, "Kids provide us with an unadulterated view of the raw human form, which thus allows security officials to become familiar with the way ''a body ought to be.' But we're very professional about it."

Terrance's mother, Amy Dobkins, is less than impressed. When TSA officails asked her to sign a waiver to release Terrance's scans for training purposes, she refused. Amy described their pleading as just disgusting. "They just want to totally perv out over my son's body scan photos, and that ain't right." Thomas Fin commented that it is a great misfortune that our trainees won't be able to view this young man's 'majestic' form.

The Department of Homeland Security this morning confirmed that, "Virginal scans are very valuable." Gordon Swag, who is the newly appointed Sensitive Media Secretary for the DOHS, tell us that his counterparts around the world are very eager to analyze even the smallest tidbits in our global war against terrorism. "The Israelis would have paid pay big bucks for these scans," says Swag, "and don't even get me started on the Turks." Gordon also admits that the parental waiver will be a thing of the past very soon. "We're expecting an executive order or two about that coming down the pike pretty soon."

Meanwhile, Terrance and his family are taking it in stride. "I guess I'll just have to get used to it," says Terrance. "I just hope it doesn't end up on YouTube. And I guess I can just forget about cock rings."