Tuesday, October 18, 2016

Clinton and Trump Scratch n' Sniff Dolls Announced by Mattel

by Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

EL SEGUNDO, CA -- Leveraging the intense interest of the 2016 election for U.S. President just weeks prior to the November 8th election, global leader Mattel, famous for its collection of Barbie dolls and accessories, has announced what it claims are 'authentic' Scratch 'n Sniff dolls in the likeness of Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald J. Trump.

"No expense was spared for this exciting new product," said Jackson Sinclair, Chairman and CEO of the toy giant, "including consulting with Sebastian Burr, the world's most foremost fragrance expert."

Burr, a former scent-critic-turned consultant, considers the dolls among his most challenging assignments to date, explaining that capturing the essence of two such polarizing figures was far beyond the scope of his usual job of helping to create a new perfume.

To achieve this goal, the Trump doll was subdivided into distinct body regions, all of which required a different scent, such as mint for the lips (to emulate Tic Tacs) or 'gamey female smell' for his now-infamous hands.

For the Clinton doll, however, Burr opted for an overall 'old lady scent,' with a special layer of what he calls 'dusty, nothing to see here!' fragrance dabs around the former Secretary of State's private parts.

But Burr insists that there are also many 'hidden secrets of olfactory delight' to be discovered by discerning doll owners, as he believes that fragrance can powerfully capture a feeling, moment, or emotion.

Still, not everyone agrees that Burr accurately captured the unique fragrance markers of the two candidates.

Anne Dean, a co-founder of Pacific Coast Research in Los Angeles, said that her initial focus group of the new product found the Trump version smelling like 'the worst casserole ever.'  Adds Dean, "It's as if this doll man's hands, feet and lips had been just about everywhere.  And beneath all of that is that weird smell which someone gets from a spray tan.  One lady even threw up!"

Comments for the Clinton doll, however, were more mixed. Explains Dean, "Although some people found the 'old lady smell' to remind them of fond childhood memories, others currently caring for relatives in nursing homes felt anxious and impatient, especially when detecting the faint whiff of pine often used in cleaning products."

For its part, Mattel is introducing the dolls only as collector's items, and is thus limiting the number of units produced.  Interested buyers can currently reserve their doll -- including customizing it with fragrance add-ons such as "Trump's Strip-Bar Extravaganza" or "Hillary's Campaign Yeast Infection" -- only from Mattel's Web site through the end of 2016.

Friday, June 3, 2016

Donald Trump vows to ban pantsuits for women

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK, NY -- In an apparent reaction to Hillary Clinton's speech attacking his foreign policy credentials and temperament, presumptive GOP nominee Donald Trump has argued for a complete ban on pantsuits for women.

"Everytime I see a some chick like crooked Hillary Clinton in a pantsuit, I want to punch her," mused Trump over a large tostado at his office in Trump Tower.  "You want a pantsuit, Hillary?  Think of the orange kind -- like the kind you'll get in jail."

However, it seems that Trump's passionate dislike for pantsuits has a history rooted far in the past.

"When I first put Ivana in charge of my casinos, not only did she not have dinner ready at night," argued Trump, "but she started wearing these ugly, bulky pantsuits in order to remind everyone that 'she was in charge' or whatever.  It was terrible.  I told Ivana it was back to tight dresses, skirts and blouses for her, or I was going to call my divorce attorney.  She complied."

First introduced in the 1920s, the pantsuit concept was launched by a small number of women adopting a masculine style, including pantsuits, hats, and even canes and monocles. However, the term, "trouser suit" had been previously used in Britain during World War I, with reference to women working in factories, driving trucks, working in construction or acting as stevedores.

Still, pantsuits were often deprecated as inappropriately masculine clothing for women. For example, until 1993, women were not permitted to wear pantsuits (or pants of any kind, especially those artificially distressed) on the United States Senate floor.

In 1993, Senators  Barbara Mikulski and Carol Moseley Braun wore Levis brand dungarees onto the floor in defiance of the rule, sometimes with large rings of keys hanging from their belts.  Later that year, Senate Sergeant-at-Arms Martha Pope amended the rule to allow women to wear pants on the floor so long as they also wore a jacket. 

Trump, however, does offer a defense. "I did allow Ivana her to sell those things so the investment wasn't a total loss.  But I'm not a monster:  I told her she could skip the high heels every day.  That's something, right?"