Friday, October 31, 2008

Sarah Palin offended at West Hollywood Halloween effigy

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

MIAMI, FL -- Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin was apparently not very pleased with the effigy of her hanging by a noose outside a home in West Hollywood, CA. The effigy, which also featured Republican Presidential candidate John McCain crawling out of the home's chimney and surrounded by fire, was allegedly created by West Hollywood resident ChadMichael Morrisette, 28, and his partner, Mito Aviles, also 28, as a Halloween-themed prank.

"Honestly, it doesn't even look like me," said Ms. Palin en route to a campaign rally in Florida. "Where are the copper highlights? And those glasses they used? Not even close. Plus that mannequin is totally flat-chested. Seriously, I'd hate to see how they'd portray my little retard baby."

For his part, resident ChadMichael Morrissette (whose birth name is Martin Finkleberg) argues that he was only showcasing his own talent. "This is our palette and this is our venue of expression," Morrisette told the Los Angeles Times before removing the mannequin after West Hollywood Mayor Jeffrey Prang intervened.

"I don't even know what (the effigy) is supposed to mean," replied an exasperated Palin. "But at least they got the likeness of John pretty good. I did get a chuckle from that one. And by 'that one,' I don't mean Barack Obama!"

Thursday, October 30, 2008

California's "No on 8" campaign website cyber attacked

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

SACRAMENTO, CA -- According to, the No on Prop 8 web site was "hit by a massive cyber invasion called a distributed denial of service attack (DoS) that took down the site for several hours last night, with the assault originating not just in-state, but from Texas, New Jersey and Georgia."

Although the "Yes on 8" side has not officially claimed any responsibility for the attacks, spokesman Bob Dacus claims that his side will stop at nothing "to prevent the homosexual agenda from first perverting the definition of marriage, then turning the U.S. into Nazi Germany and destroying Israel. Eventually, they'll destroy the world and then turn their sodomite ways towards other innocent planets."

Tony Perkins, president of the conservative Family Research Council, has argued that California's Proposition 8 is "more important than the presidential election -- probably more important than anything else in the entire history of the world. Abortion, murder and terrorism are almost benign compared with the threat of gay marriage."

Although Perkins also denies any responsibility for orchestrating the cyber attacks on the No on 8 website, he says the Bible is on his side. "Leviticus clearly says that two men shall not lie together like a man and woman," he explains. "But it doesn't say anything about cyber attacks."

"We think that clearly means God would approve."

Woman finds face of Jesus in fecal sample

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

BOSTON, MA -- A woman working as a lab technician at St. Elizabeth's Medical Center in Boston has reported the face of Jesus Christ in a fecal sample being analyzed for a tapeworm. Although the Boston area Catholic archdiocese has already proclaimed the rare find as "the most important sign of the divine this century," various skeptics are already suggesting that the sample is quite normal aside from some troubling early signs of colon cancer.

For its part, the hospital, which has been suffering over the past year from a declining patient load, is maximizing the attention from the discovery, even hiring an ad firm to create a new jingle, "St. Elizabeth's -- where all your waste products are a miracle from God!"

However, upon reviewing the evidence at a special press viewing on Friday, Reason magazine's Editor-in-Chief Matt Walsh suggested that the lab technician, a lifelong Catholic who wishes to remain anonymous, was 'anthropomorphizing a basic turd,' and what she likely saw was a collection of undigested corn faintly resembling the Christian savior.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Evangelist James Dobson admits laws against gays make sodomy more exciting

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO -- Dr. James Dobson, who studied child development before becoming an evangelical leader and founding the Christian group Focus on the Family, has historically opposed laws granting same-sex couples the right to marry and spent years trying to ensure that laws outlawing sodomy remained intact.

In a candid interview with The Christian Times, however, Dr. Dobson recently admitted that sexual acts such as sodomy are only exciting when they're considered wrong. Citing his own personal experience, Dobson suggested that gays and lesbians should consider the Biblical teachings against homosexuality when engaging in same-sex sexual relationships in order to achieve an orgasm that he says will "blow your socks off."

"It's so wrong, it's amazing," he concludes. "And forget about traditional fornication for pleasure -- what a waste of time!"

Sean Hannity calls Obama "N" word on radio show, ratings triple

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- Days after conservative radio show host Sean Hannity referred to Barack Obama as "that niggardly Democrat," ratings for his three-hour broadcast almost immediately tripled, reported a media ratings service.

However, when forced by the FCC to define the term as meaning "stingy or miserly" and that he meant that Obama was being 'niggardly' with the truth on certain issues, ratings immediately plummeted to some of the lowest levels in the show's history.

Fans immediately lambasted Hannity online for 'getting us all riled up for no good reason.'

Neither Hannity nor ABC Radio Networks were willing to comment for this story.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Many Mormons confused about California's Prop. 8

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LAKE FOREST, CA -- Although members of the Mormon faith in California and elsewhere have given millions to support Prop. 8, which would change the state's constitution to define marriage as solely a union between a man and a woman, many individual donors report being misled and regret their donations because they mistakenly thought it would have brought a return to polygamous marriage.

Mark Osborn, a church elder in Lake Forest, a leafy suburb of inland Orange County, CA, claims that his understanding was that Mormons should support Prop. 8 because it would redefine marriage as not between just a single man and a woman, but the plural form of "men" and "women."

"We were so excited about living our lives openly. My wives were already out there scouting to register at various stores so we could send out wedding invitations on November 5th," Osborn says. "But if I still can't legally marry my seven beautiful ladies, then what's the difference? There's a lot of crying going on at the Osborn house these days."

Consequently, and out of spite for what he says is being deliberately misled by church headquarters in Utah, Osborn plans to vote down the controversial measure. His seven wives, who he will not allow to vote out of long-standing church policy, support his decision.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

"Joe the Plumber" publishes risque calendar

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

TOLEDO, OH -- Samuel Joseph "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, who shot into the national limelight when asking Barack Obama about his tax policies during a campaign stop in October and then was regularly referenced in the third Presidential debate, has leveraged his newfound celebrity to publish the "Basic Plumbing Calendar" which he says is "an homage to the masculinity and dignity of the plumbing trade."

"I'm really proud of what I do, and I've always kind of been one of those en-tre-pre-neuer types," quotes Mr. Wurzelbacher under 'Joe's Story,' printed on the back cover of the calendar. "This is a great way to catch up on some taxes while showing America the best that plumbers like me have to offer. As we say in the trade, 'If shit doesn't happen then we're out of work!'"

In related news, Mr. Wurzelbacher has also indicated his interest in running for Congress in 2010 after strong encouragement by Ohio Republicans.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Nancy Reagan smokes strong cannabis sativa, falls and breaks her pelvis

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LOS ANGELES -- Former first lady Nancy Reagan, 87, apparently broke her pelvis several days ago and, after experiencing persistent pain, checked herself into Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

However, a routine blood toxicology report conducted when she was admitted showed the presence of cannabis sativa, a strain called "Demon's Breath OG" she later admitted was legally purchased from a medical marijuana dispensary near her Bel Air home.

"You try living alone at 87," the famous anti-drug crusader of the 1980s reportedly told the phlebotomist who took the blood sample. "At least with that 'Demon's Breath' whatchamacallit, which my son Ronnie bought for me as a birthday present, everything that's wrong with the world today is funny." Reagan also admitted that, in retrospect, her "No on Drugs" campaign should have excluded marijuana. "It makes me feel like I'm 67 again!" she said.

National schadenfreude levels skyrocket as Dick Cheney reports abnormal heart rhythm

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- Immediately after it was reported that Vice President Dick Cheney had been experiencing atrial fibrillation, or an abnormal heartbeat in the top chamber of his heart, several national polls reported rising levels of schadenfreude among likely voters. The German word schadenfreude, which is defined as "delight in the suffering of others," was popularized among the Hitler Youth prior to and during World War II, and joined the English lexicon in the 1950s.

"Clearly, there are a lot of people who are itching to see Cheney in a full-fledged heart attack," said Maurice Zogby, who conducted the poll from his company's Washington, DC offices. "In the U.S., up to 75% of people agreed with the statement 'I was happy to hear of Cheney's abnormal heartbeat,' which is about even with his disapproval ratings among the American electorate. Of that 75%, two-thirds agreed strongly with the statement, 'I'm hoping and praying for a full-fledged heart attack,' with half of those also agreeing with the statement, 'I want the attack to be very painful.' Clearly, this man is some sort of lightning rod for what I would call schadenfreude, and we're pretty sure it has something to do with his politics."

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sarah Palin credits education, family wisdom for meteoric political rise

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

RICHMOND, VA -- During a recent speech at a campaign rally in Virgina, Republication Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin cited the wisdom of her family members to help her craft her political positions. And apparently everyone got involved.

"My rock, of course, is my husband Todd. And when he finished the Tesoro Iron Dog race with a broken arm, I knew right then he should oversee Alaska's spiraling health care costs.

"When my son Track -- who, by the way, was named that because he was conceived next to some railroad tracks out there, you know, where the main road in Wasilla turns to dirt but 'tracks' with an 's' sounded kinda tacky? -- anyway, when he decided to enlist in the Army, I knew I'd be turning to him for his input on natural defense. Like the great John McCain, in the history of our great country next to Russia, he's also a maverick."

(Light, scattered applause)

"From my three daughters I've seen them grow up as beautiful girls, bringing their Daddy and their brother a beer without being asked and doing the laundry without any lip at all. And that's exactly how the White House should be run -- with good, old-fashioned, soccer-mom values, (whispering) although it looks like Bristol should have kept her legs on that soccer ball instead of in the air and havin' that ol' baby!"

(Heavy applause)

"But what's done is done, so of course we'll also be inviting Bristol's guy -- that what's his name, you know, it kinda sounds like he's some Jew but he's not, and that doesn't mean I don't really love Israel? -- oh yeah, his name is Levi, so let's just say it sounds like the jeans instead -- anyway, to live with us as we protect the country from those who seek to destroy our way of life and fly over Alaska with their bomber missiles and submarines!"

(Scattered applause, a few men call out variations of, 'atta girl! you tell' em!')

"But I get the most inspiration from my son Trig -- that's short for 'Trigonometry,' although he was sort of named before we knew about the whole Downs Syndrome thing because we had never even heard of it before he was born because we really needed someone to handle the bills in the family since Todd's writing arm is now lame from his accident. Trig has taught me that I don't have to answer 'gotcha' questions from the media or know this ancient history from the Supreme Court. Like him, I may smile and wink and occasionally spit up a little on stage, but gosh darn it, I'm an American and that should be good enough!"

(Huge applause, standing ovation)

"I know that the American people will see that the wisdom I get from the great Palin family, as well as from other families from across this great land of ours, combined with the wonderful education I received from Hawaii Pacific College, North Idaho Community College, our homegrown Matanuska-Susitna Community College -- Go Grizzlies! -- and the University of Idaho, more than makes me qualified to work as a team with John McCain to make America even gooder!"

(Heavy applause, chants of "Go, Sarah! Go Sarah!")

Monday, October 13, 2008

Some voters confusing Barack Obama with "That Girl" actress Marlo Thomas

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

Campaign update: "That one" vs. "That Girl?"

MIAMI, FL -- Ever since Republican Presidential candidate John McCain referred to Barack Obama as "That One" in the second presidential debate on October 7th, some elderly voters in New York and Florida have been confusing the Democratic nominee with That Girl, the 1960s ABC situation comedy about a single girl in New York City named Ann Marie and played by actress Marlo Thomas. There are reports from throughout Florida that concerned voters have been phoning county registrars about how to include the show's title as a write-in candidate.

A spokesperson from the McCain campaign explained away the confusion as 'yet another liberal attempt to detract from the scourge of terrorists who want to take away our freedom.' On Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor, McCain explained, "When I said 'That One,' I certainly didn't mean some TV show from when I was in my 60s. I meant 'that black guy who should scare you.' Now can we please talk about something else?"

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Madonna claims she's a better humanitarian because her adopted African baby "blacker than Brangelina's"

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- During a recent concert at Madison Square Garden to promote her new album "Hard Candy," pop diva Madonna argued that she was a better humanitarian than Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt since her adopted Malawian son David is 'way blacker' than Zahara, the Ethiopian-born adopted daughter of the famous couple.

When a fan in the front row shouted out, "What about their other kids from Vietnam and Cambodia?" she was said to have replied, "Yellow doesn't count, plus my African baby is also a Jew," referring to her decision to convert son David to Judaism as part of her commitment to studying Kabbalah and adding, "Try to top that one!" She then ordered security to immediately escort the errant fan from the building.

Neither Madonna's manager, Guy Oseary, nor her touring company, Live Nation, returned phone calls seeking comment.

Barack Obama joins KKK to maximize votes in the South

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

CHICAGO, IL -- In the last few weeks of the Presidential campaign, Democratic nominee Barack Obama thinks he's found the secret weapon to tip the balance in his favor in the South: the KKK. Arguing that the only thing that KKK members and supporters need is some "old-fashioned information whippin'," Obama's membership will grant him access otherwise unavailable to outsiders.

Because the Obama campaign recognizes the considerable controversy the membership might cause, it's already gearing up with a formidable defense. "Since he's half white, he's only been granted a half membership to our organization," said Peggy Hoffmeyer, the group's PR representative. "That means that although he can't enjoy the hosted bar or organize pro-white rallies, he can still communicate with our membership via email blasts, the U.S. mail, and our election eve 'white is good' phone bank."

Still livid with Republican nominee John McCain over his policy on immigration reform, Callahan thinks the KKK membership will embrace the group's new bumper stickers -- "Vote Barack Obama: the best half-white candidate we got" -- and turn out in force on election day.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Fan confuses Jimmy Kimmel with Down's Syndrome look-a-like on street

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- An overly excited fan caused an incident on a Hollywood street on Friday when she insisted that a passerby was late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel. The passerby, Bobby Willoughby, 37, happens to resemble the famous comedian but didn't comprehend how to respond to the attention due to a lifelong affliction with Down Syndrome.

Although Mr. Willoughby reportedly has a mild case of the syndrome, which is characterized by specific facial features and an array of physical and mental cognitive disabilities, apparently the rapid escalation of movement and shouting from the fan, 23-year-old Heather Johnson, caused him run out into rush-hour traffic on busy Hollywood Blvd. in this famous neighborhood of Los Angeles. Fortunately, Willoughby was only clipped by a slow-moving moving truck and Ms. Johnson, a trained EMT, was able to provide assistance. Mr. Willougby is expected to make a full recovery.

Spokespersons for both Jimmy Kimmel Live and the ABC network declined to comment on the incident.