Monday, November 24, 2008

Chicago Bears names new mascot

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

CHICAGO, IL -- Following a controversial run since his first appearance in 2003, 'Staley da Bear,' the Chicago Bears' team official mascot, has recently been replaced with a new type of bear that majority team owner Virgina McCaksey concludes is more realistic.

"For years we had been getting fan letters from a different of 'bear' urging us for recognition," explained McCaskey, 85, who owns 80% of the team along with her family. "However, this type of bear isn't of the species ursus Americanus -- this one is distinctly human, along with a generous addition of hair -- and, of course, some sweet, tangy sweat."

However, the decision has been somewhat controversial among Bears franchise management. Complains Bears head couch Lovie Smith, "This is ridiculous. I've been hearing from a lot of really upset kids about this. Hairy, sweaty men instead of a cuddly stuffed animal? I don't think so."

Still, there are those groups who are sure to benefit from this change in mascot strategy. Says Randy Tranton, founder of Bear/Naked Chicago, "Hey, it's not a secret. We've been meeting in dens all over the city for 20 years. We're just happy to finally be recognized, and we're offering all Bears season ticket holders 20% off of our upcoming A Bear Christmastravaganza on December 24th. And yes, as tradition requires, everyone will be nude. I can't wait!"

"Yes on 8" victors growing impatient with gay marriage demonstrators

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

SACRAMENTO, CA -- According to Chip White, a spokesman for the victorious Yes on 8 campaign on November 4th in California, the proponents of the measure to restrict marriage in California to one man and one woman are growing increasingly frustrated with the daily demonstrations throughout the state from the losing side.

"We just don't get it," White told the Sacramento Bee on Sunday. "The citizens of California voted twice on this issue. Game over. The majority just doesn't care about your supposed rights at this time, and that's how it works in this country. Grow up and move on."

Rick Warren, best-selling author and pastor of the mega-church Saddleback in Orange County, echoed those views and agrees his congregation is equally frustrated. "Why can't the No on 8 folks just sit back and shut up just like women, blacks, Mexicans, Jews and the disabled did for centuries before society decided it was time to protect their rights?" he said to an applauding audience at his church Sunday morning. "You'll get equality when we say it's time, and not a moment sooner! Perhaps you should listen to the words of Jesus, who regularly preached patience."

For now, Warren says there are more immediate concerns facing his church and all Christians worldwide, such as preparing for the upcoming End of Days and the Rapture. "We're ready to die and ascend to heaven. Compared to that priority, what else matters?"

Monday, November 17, 2008

President 'Mandingo' Obama?

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- During her co-hosting duties on the ABC talk fest "The View" last June, Michelle Obama reportedly exuded a calm demeanor and high professionalism -- at least when the cameras were rolling.

According to a story in People magazine, however, during commercial breaks the conversation would often turn to the extremely personal. During one break featuring Summer's Eve products toward the end of the show, co-host and stand-up comedienne Joy Behar, known for her take-no-prisoners questioning and quick wit, apparently blurted out to Michelle, "So is your husband as well-endowed down there as he is above the neck?" in a reference to his renown intellectual capability.

Although future First Lady Michelle Obama initially blushed, she was heard to have whispered, "Girl, like a f**kin' Mandingo!" to a very flustered Barbara Walters and referencing the infamous 1975 film by the same name about a very well-endowed black man. Once she recovered, Ms. Walters replied, "You don't have to tell me!" in apparent reference to her own recently revealed affair with U.S. Senator Edward Brooke, an African-American politician from Massachusetts who was married at the time.

"And there you have it," concluded a beaming Whoopi Goldberg at the end of the commercial break. "President Mandingo Barack. Watch yourself, Vladimir Putin!"

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Mormons promising not to stop with preventing gay marriage

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

SALT LAKE CITY, UT -- Following their successful support of California's Prop. 8, which outlawed marriage rights between same-sex couples, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints -- commonly known as the Mormon Church -- is promising further political activism in the United States.

"This was just Phase 1 in our long-range plan as personally laid out to me by the Archangel Moroni in the late 1990s," church president Thomas S. Monson recently told the Salt Lake Tribune. "With the full acceptance of our church by evangelical Christians, Roman Catholics and even by our African-American brothers and sisters whose dark skin was recently considered the curse of God as a sign of the unrighteous, we're hopeful that we can bring the truth of the Book of Mormon to the entire world."

In Phase 2, expected to begin in early 2009 and lasting through 2011, Monson hopes to achieve the following goals assigned to him by Moroni via gold plates:
  • Complete conversion of all U.S. citizens to the Church of Christ of Latter-day Saints, including having married couples re-married, properly "sealed" in a Mormon temple and dissolving any relationships with non-Mormons;
  • Halting the 'ridiculous practice' of persons praying directly to Jesus; and
  • Full recognition that God was once a man like us and lives on a planet near the star Kolob, that Christ will never return to earth in a year in which there has been a rainbow and that believers attaining the highest level of the celestial kingdom will rule over their own planets and have more than one wife.
"It's a long list, but Moroni thinks we can do it!" concluded Monson.

Friday, November 7, 2008

John McCain arrested for disobeying sheriff's deputy at routine traffic stop

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

PHOENIX, AZ -- Arizona Senator and Presidential Republican nominee John McCain was arrested on Friday afternoon for failing to adhere to a deputy sheriff's directive after being pulled over for a routine traffic stop.

"Apparently Senator McCain became extremely agitated when forced to pull over due to a burned-out headlight," Miracopa County Sheriff Joe Arapaio told the Arizona Republic, "so the officer was well within her rights to ask him to step out of the car with his license and registration."

When McCain became increasingly agitated after exiting his vehicle, Deputy Sherry Powell asked him to walk to the back of the car with his hands over his head. When he refused to do so and repeated, "Don't you know who I am? I'm the war hero who can't put his hands over his head because he was, you know, tortured," she allegedly replied, "I don't really watch TV or go to movies much, 'Mr. I'm-So Important,'" and placed him under arrest.

While the McCain camp is calling the entire episode a case of bad communication, wife Cindy is upset that husband John failed to show Deputy Powell his famous temper. "Why didn't he at least call her the 'c word?'" she apparently grumbled to a Fox News reporter.

Obamas to pick the family dog

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

CHICAGO, IL -- Having promised his two daughters a new puppy if he won the Presidency and had to move his family to Washington, D.C., President-elect Barack Obama and future First Lady Michelle are now trying to decide on the best type of breed to join their family.

It just can't be any dog: it has to be hypoallergenic to avoid any allergic reactions by daughter Malia, age 10, and, according to Obama, "can't be a mutt like me," referring to his own mixed lineage of Kansas meets Kenya.

For now, the more important decision will be selecting a name for the future dog on which the entire family can agree. "The girls are pleading to name the dog 'Oprah,'" says Michelle Obama, "but I'm kind of leaning towards 'Whoopi.'"

Rush Limbaugh labels Obama landslide victory "uppity"

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

WEST PALM BEACH, FL -- After injecting himself into the Democratic primary earlier this year with "Operation Chaos," which was intended to cause inter-party infighting and weaken Democratic unity, conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has refused to concede the defeat of John McCain, referring to Barack Obama's landslide as 'uppity.'

"Not only was this so-called victory nothing more than a rather uppity challenge to conservative values," Limbaugh argued on his radio show Thursday morning, "but by naming Rahm Israel Emanuel as White House Chief of Staff, that place will turn into nothing more than some hymietown version of the south side of Chicago."

A food lover, Limbaugh is also concerned about the impact to the White House kitchen. "You mark my words, ladies and gentlemen: on the menu will be lox with fried chicken and watermelon with matzo. And forget ham for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner anywhere. May God help this country."

Obama campaign selects "The Jeffersons" theme song for inauguration music

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

CHICAGO, IL -- President-elect Barack Obama's team is continuing to move forward quickly with their plans for January's inauguration festivities, including selecting the music to be played immediately after the swearing-in ceremony.

"We think the theme song from the 1970s show 'The Jeffersons' really encapsulates the elation sweeping not just the Obama campaign, but also the African-American community throughout the country," explained campaign manager David Plouffe to The Washington Post.

"Of course we're going to have to make a few minor changes, since the Obama family is clearly not moving to 'the East Side' nor a 'de-luxe apartment in the sky,'" adds Pllouffe. "They're moving to an old building in Washington, D.C., so we've got to make that just as exciting."

Still, there are limits to any perceived similarities between the Obamas and the Jeffersons. "I may like the theme song," said the President-elect, "but it's not like I'll get away with calling my wife 'First Lady Weezie.'"

(Click here to hear the original theme song).

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Oakland Raiders may leave NFL for local Pop Warner League

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

OAKLAND, CA -- Following Sunday's crushing 24-0 loss to the Atlanta Falcons, the National Football League has announced plans to remove the Oakland Raiders team from the storied organization at the end of the current season.

Although such a move has rarely been done in the 88-year history of the NFL, Commissioner Roger Goodell said the league had its reasons. "After numerous second chances, we're simply out of patience," he told officials at ESPN, "and we felt that the Raiders were starting to cause some serious damage to the NFL brand."

While clearly disappointed, Raiders owner and General Manager Al Davis expects the team to live on after the current season in the nearby city of Fremont. "Since Fremont has been without a Pop Warner team for five years since the death of its founder and coach, Bill Meyers, we think the Raiders can provide a much-needed boost to their local sports program," commented Davis in the Oakland Tribune.

However, neither the City of Fremont nor the Pop Warner Football organization have signed off on the idea, arguing that they also have brand images to protect. According to Jon Butler, Pop Warner's national Executive Director, the entry requirements for Pop Warner have become stricter over the last decade. "We just don't let anybody carry the 'Pop Warner' name," Butler recently told an AP reporter. "If members of the Raiders want to join us, that's great, but they'll have to try out just like Jimmy and Johnny and Timmy do at the beginning of the season."

For its part, the City of Fremont is taking a 'wait and see' attitude. "Since we're the fourth largest city in the Bay Area, we pretty much have our pick of whom to pick for our youth sports programs," explained current Mayor Bob Wasserman. "And frankly, based on their last season in Oakland, we're not sure they're ready to compete against our chief rivals, the East Bay Fighting Toddlers."