Sunday, December 20, 2009

Tiger Woods' own mother 16th woman to come forward as mistress

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

JUPITER ISLAND, FL -- Now that the list of Tiger Woods' mistresses has officially hit 15 (rumored to be singer Jessica Simpson), inside sources are telling Newsophile that number 16 may in fact be a woman closest to the famous golfer's heart: his own mother, Kultida ("Tida") Woods.

"Tida never really liked (current wife) Elin (Nordegren), frequently saying, 'she so white it's blinding!'" the source said on condition of anonymity. "She really wanted Tiger to marry a nice girl who was also 1/4 African American, 1/4 Thai, 1/4 Chinese, 1/8 Native American and 1/8 Dutch, saying 'he not look hard enough.'"

"She even placed ads on Craigslist for him, but everyone thought it was a joke, which just broke her heart."

Ultimately, when Tiger and Elin began to drift apart Tida offered to step in, in the hopes of providing 'Everything you need in sordid affair except for dirty talk. Ok, maybe little dirty talk.'

Once news of the multiple other mistresses broke, Tida clandestinely hired infamous L.A. attorney Gloria Allred, apparently to sell her story to the media and to arrange an appropriate settlement with her son Tiger. "Oh sure, he buy me a car," she wrote in her complaint, "But it's a cheap, stripped-down Buick he got for free. Not even proper rice rocket!"

Thursday, December 17, 2009

BBC offers quasi-apology for its online debate on killing gays in Uganda


After considerable pressure, it looks like the BBC has finally caved and offered an apology for hosting an online discussion on whether or not gays should be executed in Uganda.

Wrote BBC World Service Director Peter Horrocks on a company blog, "We apologize for any offense it caused," adding that he still thought that the program was a legitimate attempt to encourage discussion about a crucial African issue.

As proof of that commitment, he hopes to host future episodes on whether or not men with AIDS should rape virgins as a cure, when and if genocide is the most practical solution to warring factions, and the morality of re-instating the slave trade in poorer African countries, ultimately adding the pseudo-borrowed tagline, "It's not TV - it's BBC!"

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

What did Senator Schumer really say?


An AP story out of New York says that Senator Charles Shumer made an inappropriate remark about a flight attendant who asked him to turn off his cell phone prior to a commercial flight taking off.

While it's anyone's guess what type of expletives Shumer actually muttered under his breath towards the airline employee, our sources report he said the following: "Ah, don't blow your wig, ya stupid broad. You're really gumming the works for me today, and that's all wet."

Really, Senator? Don't be surprised is impeachment is on the menu for you.

Greenhouse gases destroy North Pole

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons
Special to Newsophile

PT. BARROW, ALASKA -- According to recent reports, homeless elves have been appearing for weeks in the tiny community of Barrow, Alaska, and scientists have finally discovered why: greenhouse gasses have melted the North Pole homestead of Santa Claus, causing the poorly supervised elves to seek food and shelter elsewhere.

Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment, with his press agent citing 'pressing issues related to Mr. Tiger Woods' black book', but this reporter did manage to speak with an elf who did not wish to be identified because he wasn't authorized to talk to the press.

"The tops of the castle have been dripping for years and he (Claus) didn't do a thing about it," the seemingly embittered elf claims. "Then, two weeks ago, a wind seemed to come right out of the basement, thereby sucking the entire structure into what is now just a very cold pond."

Adds another disgruntled worker, "We can't even fish in it."

Sources have also discovered that despite centuries of organization, there is no union protecting the benefits of the Elven workers.

"The castle is gone, Santa is gone, and we have nowhere to turn except Hollywood," says Beebus Matzohpelius, Santa's second in command, as he waved from his convertible BMW before heading south. "We're thinking we could make great avatars!"

Back in Barrow, the residents seemed to be only mildly disturbed once they recovered from the initial 'elf sighting' shock. Says Cody Hunter, a longtime resident, "Well, we had some polar bears show up in numbers a few years back and that's when we started picking up our garbage and re-using condoms before tossing them. Don't know what to do about the Elves, though... feed 'em to the polar bears, maybe?"

Adds Sue Littlejohn, owner of 'Suzy's Cutesy Cuddly Christmas Shoppe,' "I let them sleep outside my shop and feed them candy in the morning so they don't go hungry. And then I beat them because that's how I grew up, and look how swell I turned out!"

Another resident of Barrow, also agreeing to speak only on condition of anonymity, said the elves behave more like an urban homeless person, such as rattling through garbage cans, falling inside and then screaming for help to get out, singing off-key holiday carols to no one in particular and, adding insult to injury, threatening shoppers with an unpleasant Christmas if they don't provide a donation.

"I think the city council needs to take a stand," says local journalist Hank Legolas. "You let one of these little peckers in town, and the next thing you know they have taken over! What is this, the San Diego-Tijuana border?"

In a related incident, former V.P. Al Gore was carried off the set of Chris Matthews' show on MSNBC when asked about these elves, reportedly heaving and spitting out the words "I'm not lying" through what onlookers described as an 'apoplectic fit.'

Thursday, February 26, 2009

TARP II funds restricting use of banks' restroom facilities

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Apparently hidden deep in the rhetoric of the guidelines for the release of "TARP II" financing to prop up insolvent banks is a new restriction on the use of restroom facilities serving those institutions receiving federal funds.

These new regulations, which include specific guidelines on when bank employees can wash their hands or flush a toilet, have resulted in outrage throughout the banking community.

"Oh, c'mon, what is this, the 1970s?" asked Bank of America Chairman, CEO and President Kenneth D. Lewis. "'If it's yellow let it mellow' and 'If it's brown, flush it down -- but only after supervisory approval?' Is the Obama Administration even serious about this financial crisis, or is this some type of game to them?"

According to Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner, not only is TARP II intended to "return financial institutions to fiscal responsibility, but also increase an awareness of natural resources such as water." Geithner says that in order to build support for these new regulations, the Obama Administration has announced a national Request for Proposal (RFP) for a new line of bumper stickers, pens and t-shirts promoting "the efficient use of all wash basins, toilets, urinals and bidets." Geithner hopes that the popular "Mr. Hankey" character from the Comedy Central show "South Park" will enter be part of the promotion, adding "Everyone just loves that guy!"

For Marci Templeton, a personal banker at at Wells Fargo branch in Mesa, Arizona, the new restroom restrictions could not have come at a worse time. "I shake hands with clients all day, and now I can't even wash my hands? What if I'm not paying attention and there's an 'accident'? I just think that my clients would know something was up."

However, Wells Fargo has a solution that Joshua Fildenstein, Senior Vice President for Human Resources, says will suffice nicely. "It's called 'Purell.' And I never leave home without it."

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Owner of attacking chimp sends victim a stuffed gorilla as gift

By Kerrigan Neeley and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

STAMFORD, CONN. -- Administrators at Stamford Community Hospital were dumbfounded last week when Sandra Herold, owner of Travis, the 200-pound chimpanzee who attacked her friend Charla Nash at her home here on February 17th, sent Nash a bouquet of flowers, a get well card, and a large, plushie stuffed gorilla.

According to Nancy Klemen, Director of Patient Care at Stamford Hospital, the fact that the stuffed animal gift was a gorilla and not a chimp was irrelevant, adding, "We are dumbfounded that this gift would seem appropriate under these circumstances."

In order to avoid any perceived insult at the Cleveland Clinic, where Nash was transferred on February 19th to prepare for future surgeries, the hospital has instituted a temporary ban on all stuffed primates throughout the hospital.

"We are forbidding all stuffed animals which resemble primates in any way from clinic property until further notice," said spokeswoman Marjorie Newman. "In addition, copies of the recent issue of Vogue magazine with Lebron James posing as a King Kong-type character on the cover have also been removed from Ms. Nash's floor."

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Salma Hayek talks dirty to African baby during breastfeeding incident

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- Days after an ABC News "Nightline" crew captured actress Salma Hayek breastfeeding an African newborn, reports are emerging that Ms. Hayek's behavior bordered on the inappropriate during the incident. One bystander has also claimed that the newborn was growing irritable after having to negotiate around the Oscar-nominated and Emmy award-winning actress' nipple ring.

"Since Salma was whispering in Spanish, we couldn't really understand her," confided a soundman working for ABC News who wished to remain anonymous. "But since she was feeding the kid with one boob while playing with the other, we weren't sure whether she was getting the other one ready for 'show time' or simply getting off on it. It was very uncomfortable."

A spokewoman for ABC News insists that the actress was only sharing her passion for the 'natural act of breastfeeding' while on a humanitarian mission in Sierra Leone to address the country's epidemic of tetanus.

However, a bi-lingual transciber working for The Transcription Company in Burbank, California, says that he clearly heard what could only be described as 'palabras sucias,' or Spanish for 'dirty talk.'

"First she was repeating, '¿Ah usted así, qué?' ('Oh, you like that, huh?') and '¿Usted desea esas tetas grandes?' ('You want those big boobs?') to the child," Oscar Ramirez recently confided to the Los Angeles Times. "But after Hayek starts playing with her nipple at about the two-minute mark, she starts growling, 'Te quiero comer todo' ('I want to eat you all.'). After I reported it to my supervisor, he told me that ABC has opted not to offer a transcription for this clip and that I should forget about it."

The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services refused to comment about the incident, explaining in a brief email to the Associated Press that anything that happens outside of the county is "out of our jurisdiction."

Lillian Rasmussen also contributed to this story.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Declining pedophilia arrests linked to rising childhood obesity rates

By Darnell Washington and Arthur Buzzby, Newsophile Staff Writers

ATLANTA, GA -- Although the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention maintains that the rising rates of childhood obesity in the United States are still a major concern -- reaching nearly 18% in 2006 for children age 12 to 19 -- researchers have recently discovered an unexpected side benefit to fatter children: declining levels of pedophilia.

"Apparently many child molesters just hate fat kids," said Dave Dillon, Deputy Director of Media Relations for the CDC. "Although we were quite surprised by the results, we're excited that we finally found a potential solution to a problem that so far has not been solved by incarceration, therapy, Megan's Law lists or my personal favorite, chemical castration."

However, Ray Radow, a spokesman for the controversial North American Man-Boy Love Association (commonly known as NAMBLA), says that the new research released by the CDC is, in fact, "old news." According to Radow, the organization has been selling "No Fat Kids" bumper stickers and "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap!" t-shirts on its Web site and through various retail stores since early 2000. "Yes, we're picky -- and damn proud of it!" he explained.

But for Molly Hanford, a mother of two active boys in suburban Atlanta, the news is sure to bring some changes to her household. "Since my kids are thin and athletic, I need to protect them," she recently told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "So starting tomorrow I'm pulling them out of soccer and baseball (practice) and they're going to stay home and gorge on pizza and ice cream. It's really the only responsible thing to do."

Although the CDC's Dillon doesn't recommend fattening children up to avoid pedophiles, he said the federal government does understand the reasoning behind this innovative solution to a growing national menace made infamous on the NBC show "To Catch a Predator."

"If you're going to gorge your children on burgers, fries, pizza and ice cream," he offers, "at least start with smaller portions. As they grow into adults and thus become quite unattractive to pedophiles, be sure to re-introduce them to healthy eating and exercise programs."

Monday, February 2, 2009

Newsophile inks syndication deal

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LOS ANGELES -- As part of Newsophile Media's business plan to extend its original reports beyond the site, the company has recently signed a syndication deal with potential future hosts including USAToday, CNN and The Washington Post.

Since inking the deal in late 2008, editors at the Chicago Sun-Times and have already selected Newsophile content as "timely, accurate and useful" to their readers.

Most recently, Newsophile's expose on the first Presidential excrement by newly sworn-in Barack Obama was chosen as important "technology news" by due to its emphasis on the state-of-the-art tests conducted immediately after the errant stool sample was discovered by a frightened White House maid.

In mid-December, editors of the business section at the Chicago Sun-Times selected the Newsophile story on former First Lady Barbara Bush replacing William Penn as the official face for the "Quakers Oats" brand, a subsidiary of food giant PepsiCo. Calling it "first-rate journalism" and "one of the best business scoops of 2008," editors have indicated they'll be using Newsophile content throughout 2009.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

First Presidential turd by Barack Obama declared 'very healthy'

By Darnell Washington and Lillian Rasmussen, Newsophile Staff Writers

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Although Presidential fecal material is generally not assigned a high priority during the first days of a new administration, White House maid Maria O'Leary was so impressed with the clear 's-shape' of the excrement she found after Tuesday's swearing-in ceremony that she immediately phoned White House physician Richard Tibbs. It remains unclear why the newly minted U.S. leader did not flush after using the facility.

After receiving the call, Dr. Tibbs collected and submitted the fecal sample for testing, and toxicology reports released on Friday found the President's feces to be "very healthy." In fact, says Dr. Tibbs, "President Obama's post-inaugaural feces revealed a color, texture and shape of a man half his age. I just can't stop thinking about it."

First Lady Michelle Obama was not surprised by the report. "Unlike President H.W. Bush, Obama really does like his broccoli," she recently told the Reuters news agency. "It really helps plump up his stool and leads to a very efficient bowel movement. There's no time for bathroom reading in our busy life!"

Barack's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, offers some additional insight into the President's gastro-intestinal habits. "Barack and Michelle have called broccoli 'nature's broom' since they first started dating. Why do you think he's always smiling?"

Still, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs promised to find out why the toilet containing the fecal sample had not properly flushed. "If the President was never properly toilet trained," he told The Washington Post, "we may consider installing automatically flushing models made here in the U.S. -- you know, to help boost the domestic economy during these turbulent times."