By Darnell Washington and Lillian Rasmussen, Newsophile Staff Writers
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Although Presidential fecal material is generally not assigned a high priority during the first days of a new administration, White House maid Maria O'Leary was so impressed with the clear 's-shape' of the excrement she found after Tuesday's swearing-in ceremony that she immediately phoned White House physician Richard Tibbs. It remains unclear why the newly minted U.S. leader did not flush after using the facility.
After receiving the call, Dr. Tibbs collected and submitted the fecal sample for testing, and toxicology reports released on Friday found the President's feces to be "very healthy." In fact, says Dr. Tibbs, "President Obama's post-inaugaural feces revealed a color, texture and shape of a man half his age. I just can't stop thinking about it."
First Lady Michelle Obama was not surprised by the report. "Unlike President H.W. Bush, Obama really does like his broccoli," she recently told the Reuters news agency. "It really helps plump up his stool and leads to a very efficient bowel movement. There's no time for bathroom reading in our busy life!"
Barack's mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, offers some additional insight into the President's gastro-intestinal habits. "Barack and Michelle have called broccoli 'nature's broom' since they first started dating. Why do you think he's always smiling?"
Still, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs promised to find out why the toilet containing the fecal sample had not properly flushed. "If the President was never properly toilet trained," he told The Washington Post, "we may consider installing automatically flushing models made here in the U.S. -- you know, to help boost the domestic economy during these turbulent times."