Saturday, December 13, 2008

Woman gives birth to swollen, infected appendix

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

SAN DIEGO, CA -- In a medical first, a surgical team at UC San Diego Medical Center has removed a diseased appendix known as "Marjorie" from a patient's vagina. The patient, medical student Diana Schlamadinger-Eistenstein, 28, was among the first in the United States to participate in a procedure known as Natural Orifice Translumenal Endoscopic Surgery (NOTES), which involves passing surgical instruments through a natural orifice, such as the mouth, vagina or rectum. As the technology improves, researchers are confident that NOTES can be expanded to include nostrils, eye sockets, ears and tear ducts.

"We originally wanted to remove the appendix through her mouth," explained Santiago Horgan, M.D., director of the UC San Diego Center for the Future of Surgery, "but when she wouldn't ever shut up, we realized using another orifice might be a lot quieter. Since she had a 'no rectum' rider to her contract, our choices were limited."

While Schlamadinger-Eistenstein is relieved that the surgery was successful, she continues to suffer from classic symptoms of post-partum depression usually reserved for mothers giving birth to fully formed human beings. "I realize I'm just a mother to a stillborn appendix in a jar, but tell that to my breasts," she tearfully told a reporter for the San Diego Union. "It's like they're ready to feed an army, and meanwhile I've got this jar on my nightstand saying 'No thanks, not hungry now!'"

In a rare example of agreement, both the local chapter of Planned Parenthood and the San Diego Catholic Archdiocese continue to urge Schlamadinger-Eistenstein to put Marjorie up for adoption. "There are a lot of willing labs around the country who could give this happy, cherubic appendix an excellent home," says Bishop Robert H. Brum. "Continuing to torture this poor organ with the nightly sight of lactating breasts and having no mouth to participate is totally inappropriate."

Nevertheless, Schlamadinger-Eistenstein is confident she'll move past the post-partum depression and prepare her vagina for better days to come. "One day I may even give birth to a pancreas, a kidney or part of my colon!"

Lillian Rasmussen also contributed to this story.

Former First Lady Barbara Bush to replace William Penn in Quaker Oats logo

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

CHICAGO, IL -- Food conglomerate The Quaker Oats Company, a unit of PepsiCo, has announced that a likeness of former First Lady Barbara Bush will soon replace that of William Penn, the Quaker and original founder of Pennsylvania who has graced the company's oatmeal boxes since 1877. Although the company has no formal ties to the Religious Society of Friends, also known as the Quakers, when it was formed in the 1800s a company founder decided upon the name after reading about the Quakers' emphasis on honesty, purity and truth.

"With the United States and the world changing so quickly, we decided it was time for Quaker Oats to catch up," said Robert S. Morrison, Quaker Oats' President and CEO. "And what better modern face to represent our emphasis on a healthy colon than Barbara Bush?"

For the former First Lady, however, the decision to join the famous brand was not an easy one. "They've been trying to talk me into doing this ever since my husband was first sworn in as President," she recently told Advertising Age magazine. "But as the years have gone by and my resemblance to William Penn has become increasingly obvious, I finally relented and told the folks at Quaker Oats that I'd sign on as soon as GW was out of office. I just hope they'll let me wear my pearls!"

For now, the company will continue airing spots with well-known senior Wilford Brimley, although Ms. Bush hints at an expanded role for her with Quaker. "That codger's time is up," she recently told The Houston Chronicle. "It's time to offer some Bush for breakfast!"

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Atheists finding religion after Ann Coulter accident

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

PARSIPPANY, NJ -- After experiencing a bad fall last month, conservative author and personality Ann Coulter will reportedly need to have her jaw wired shut for a period of approximately six weeks. While her silence has undoubtedly brought calls of joy from the liberals she has regularly trounced in her books including "If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans," it has also unleashed an interesting response from the American atheist community: finding God.

"It's unlike anything I've ever seen in my 20 years as an activist," says Dr. John Bruckner, the newly named President of American Atheists, an education group oriented towards those who believe in secular humanism as opposed to a religious God. "As soon as news of Ms. Coulter's jaw being wired shut hit the airwaves and the Internet, our phones started ringing off the hook by members asking to cancel. Apparently the news made them believe that there is in fact, a God."

According to Edward Cardinal Logan, however, who heads up the Archdiocese of New York, such 'of the moment' conversions are, in fact, quite common and generally based on a compelling event in an individual's life.

So could Ann Coulter's accident count? Logan says it's quite possible.

"For an atheist to immediately convert to a God-fearing Christian, he or she would have to really, really hate Ms. Coulter, her books, her speeches and everything she stands for. From what I hear from my congregation, there are plenty of such people."

Still, Cardinal Logan does offer an alternative explanation. "For many people including our troubled brothers and sisters who forsake the Lord, this could simply be a happy coincidence."

Sunny von Bulow dies after 28 years in coma

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- After falling into a mysterious coma 28 years ago, Martha "Sunny" von Bulow died at a nursing home here on Saturday. It was suspected that the wealthy heiress, who was the subject of the 1990 film "Reversal of Fortune" starring Jeremy Irons and Glenn Close, had been poisoned by husband Claus von Bulow to inherit a large portion of her fortune, estimated at $40 to $60 million.

Prosectors contend that von Bulow had forced Sunny into a diabetic coma by repeatedly injecting her with insulin, and had intended to run off with a mistress following Sunny's death.

According to nursing home staff, however, Sunny continued to earn her nickname even when deep in the coma that characterized her life for nearly 30 years. "Sometimes when we'd turn her over to treat her bedsores she'd let out a little laugh," said Emma Ramirez, an LVN who cared for Ms. von Bulow since 2002. "She really made this place something special."

Paul Honning, Chief Administator for the Mary Manning Walsh Nursing Home on Manhattan's Upper East Side, noted that Sunny was also responsible for helping to solve a serious space crunch in mid-2003.

"When we had to convert the game room into more space for patients, they just started playing their games in Sunny's room," he says. "For Christmas Eve, we even laid out a huge spread of potluck food on her stomach and then used her feet to help prop up carafes of spiked eggnog and Christmas wassail. She truly will be missed."

Friday, December 5, 2008

Tourette Syndome Association (TSA) files complaint with FCC against "South Park" episode

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

BAYSIDE, NY -- An episode from the Comedy Central television show "South Park" originally produced in 2007 and focusing on Tourette Syndrome has recently caught the unwanted attention of the National Tourette Syndrome Association, or TSA. According to Judith Sweeney, the group's president, both Comedy Central and parent company Viacom, Inc. have ignored repeated calls for the comedy-focused network to stop running the offending episode for repeat broadcasts. The TSA has responded by filing a complaint with the FCC.

According to Ms. Sweeney, who was diagnosed with Tourette at age 5 and founded the TSA in Bayside, New York in 1972, "It would be one thing if the producers of South Park vomit-filled vagina! were trying to educate the public about this disease piss! piss out of my ass! Unfortunately, they're not mattress! soiled mattress!"

Adds Sweeney, "Instead, they're poking fun at a very socially debilitating illness chunky ropes launching from my gash! We just think that an important media company such as Viacom should exercise more of a responsibility to the viewing public diaper! delicious dripping diaper!"

FCC spokesman Rob Kenny says that the commission takes complaints such as this very seriously, and has pledged to investigate every offending word. "We will not rest until every utterance of piss, ass, gash, diaper and any other inappropriate word has been properly vetted," Kenny noted. The FCC is expected to issue its ruling on the complaint by March.

Lillian Rasmussen and Montague Abernathy also contributed to this story.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Chicago Bears names new mascot

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

CHICAGO, IL -- Following a controversial run since his first appearance in 2003, 'Staley da Bear,' the Chicago Bears' team official mascot, has recently been replaced with a new type of bear that majority team owner Virgina McCaksey concludes is more realistic.

"For years we had been getting fan letters from a different of 'bear' urging us for recognition," explained McCaskey, 85, who owns 80% of the team along with her family. "However, this type of bear isn't of the species ursus Americanus -- this one is distinctly human, along with a generous addition of hair -- and, of course, some sweet, tangy sweat."

However, the decision has been somewhat controversial among Bears franchise management. Complains Bears head couch Lovie Smith, "This is ridiculous. I've been hearing from a lot of really upset kids about this. Hairy, sweaty men instead of a cuddly stuffed animal? I don't think so."

Still, there are those groups who are sure to benefit from this change in mascot strategy. Says Randy Tranton, founder of Bear/Naked Chicago, "Hey, it's not a secret. We've been meeting in dens all over the city for 20 years. We're just happy to finally be recognized, and we're offering all Bears season ticket holders 20% off of our upcoming A Bear Christmastravaganza on December 24th. And yes, as tradition requires, everyone will be nude. I can't wait!"

"Yes on 8" victors growing impatient with gay marriage demonstrators

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

SACRAMENTO, CA -- According to Chip White, a spokesman for the victorious Yes on 8 campaign on November 4th in California, the proponents of the measure to restrict marriage in California to one man and one woman are growing increasingly frustrated with the daily demonstrations throughout the state from the losing side.

"We just don't get it," White told the Sacramento Bee on Sunday. "The citizens of California voted twice on this issue. Game over. The majority just doesn't care about your supposed rights at this time, and that's how it works in this country. Grow up and move on."

Rick Warren, best-selling author and pastor of the mega-church Saddleback in Orange County, echoed those views and agrees his congregation is equally frustrated. "Why can't the No on 8 folks just sit back and shut up just like women, blacks, Mexicans, Jews and the disabled did for centuries before society decided it was time to protect their rights?" he said to an applauding audience at his church Sunday morning. "You'll get equality when we say it's time, and not a moment sooner! Perhaps you should listen to the words of Jesus, who regularly preached patience."

For now, Warren says there are more immediate concerns facing his church and all Christians worldwide, such as preparing for the upcoming End of Days and the Rapture. "We're ready to die and ascend to heaven. Compared to that priority, what else matters?"

Monday, November 17, 2008

President 'Mandingo' Obama?

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- During her co-hosting duties on the ABC talk fest "The View" last June, Michelle Obama reportedly exuded a calm demeanor and high professionalism -- at least when the cameras were rolling.

According to a story in People magazine, however, during commercial breaks the conversation would often turn to the extremely personal. During one break featuring Summer's Eve products toward the end of the show, co-host and stand-up comedienne Joy Behar, known for her take-no-prisoners questioning and quick wit, apparently blurted out to Michelle, "So is your husband as well-endowed down there as he is above the neck?" in a reference to his renown intellectual capability.

Although future First Lady Michelle Obama initially blushed, she was heard to have whispered, "Girl, like a f**kin' Mandingo!" to a very flustered Barbara Walters and referencing the infamous 1975 film by the same name about a very well-endowed black man. Once she recovered, Ms. Walters replied, "You don't have to tell me!" in apparent reference to her own recently revealed affair with U.S. Senator Edward Brooke, an African-American politician from Massachusetts who was married at the time.

"And there you have it," concluded a beaming Whoopi Goldberg at the end of the commercial break. "President Mandingo Barack. Watch yourself, Vladimir Putin!"

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Mormons promising not to stop with preventing gay marriage

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

SALT LAKE CITY, UT -- Following their successful support of California's Prop. 8, which outlawed marriage rights between same-sex couples, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints -- commonly known as the Mormon Church -- is promising further political activism in the United States.

"This was just Phase 1 in our long-range plan as personally laid out to me by the Archangel Moroni in the late 1990s," church president Thomas S. Monson recently told the Salt Lake Tribune. "With the full acceptance of our church by evangelical Christians, Roman Catholics and even by our African-American brothers and sisters whose dark skin was recently considered the curse of God as a sign of the unrighteous, we're hopeful that we can bring the truth of the Book of Mormon to the entire world."

In Phase 2, expected to begin in early 2009 and lasting through 2011, Monson hopes to achieve the following goals assigned to him by Moroni via gold plates:
  • Complete conversion of all U.S. citizens to the Church of Christ of Latter-day Saints, including having married couples re-married, properly "sealed" in a Mormon temple and dissolving any relationships with non-Mormons;
  • Halting the 'ridiculous practice' of persons praying directly to Jesus; and
  • Full recognition that God was once a man like us and lives on a planet near the star Kolob, that Christ will never return to earth in a year in which there has been a rainbow and that believers attaining the highest level of the celestial kingdom will rule over their own planets and have more than one wife.
"It's a long list, but Moroni thinks we can do it!" concluded Monson.

Friday, November 7, 2008

John McCain arrested for disobeying sheriff's deputy at routine traffic stop

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

PHOENIX, AZ -- Arizona Senator and Presidential Republican nominee John McCain was arrested on Friday afternoon for failing to adhere to a deputy sheriff's directive after being pulled over for a routine traffic stop.

"Apparently Senator McCain became extremely agitated when forced to pull over due to a burned-out headlight," Miracopa County Sheriff Joe Arapaio told the Arizona Republic, "so the officer was well within her rights to ask him to step out of the car with his license and registration."

When McCain became increasingly agitated after exiting his vehicle, Deputy Sherry Powell asked him to walk to the back of the car with his hands over his head. When he refused to do so and repeated, "Don't you know who I am? I'm the war hero who can't put his hands over his head because he was, you know, tortured," she allegedly replied, "I don't really watch TV or go to movies much, 'Mr. I'm-So Important,'" and placed him under arrest.

While the McCain camp is calling the entire episode a case of bad communication, wife Cindy is upset that husband John failed to show Deputy Powell his famous temper. "Why didn't he at least call her the 'c word?'" she apparently grumbled to a Fox News reporter.

Obamas to pick the family dog

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

CHICAGO, IL -- Having promised his two daughters a new puppy if he won the Presidency and had to move his family to Washington, D.C., President-elect Barack Obama and future First Lady Michelle are now trying to decide on the best type of breed to join their family.

It just can't be any dog: it has to be hypoallergenic to avoid any allergic reactions by daughter Malia, age 10, and, according to Obama, "can't be a mutt like me," referring to his own mixed lineage of Kansas meets Kenya.

For now, the more important decision will be selecting a name for the future dog on which the entire family can agree. "The girls are pleading to name the dog 'Oprah,'" says Michelle Obama, "but I'm kind of leaning towards 'Whoopi.'"

Rush Limbaugh labels Obama landslide victory "uppity"

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

WEST PALM BEACH, FL -- After injecting himself into the Democratic primary earlier this year with "Operation Chaos," which was intended to cause inter-party infighting and weaken Democratic unity, conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has refused to concede the defeat of John McCain, referring to Barack Obama's landslide as 'uppity.'

"Not only was this so-called victory nothing more than a rather uppity challenge to conservative values," Limbaugh argued on his radio show Thursday morning, "but by naming Rahm Israel Emanuel as White House Chief of Staff, that place will turn into nothing more than some hymietown version of the south side of Chicago."

A food lover, Limbaugh is also concerned about the impact to the White House kitchen. "You mark my words, ladies and gentlemen: on the menu will be lox with fried chicken and watermelon with matzo. And forget ham for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner anywhere. May God help this country."

Obama campaign selects "The Jeffersons" theme song for inauguration music

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

CHICAGO, IL -- President-elect Barack Obama's team is continuing to move forward quickly with their plans for January's inauguration festivities, including selecting the music to be played immediately after the swearing-in ceremony.

"We think the theme song from the 1970s show 'The Jeffersons' really encapsulates the elation sweeping not just the Obama campaign, but also the African-American community throughout the country," explained campaign manager David Plouffe to The Washington Post.

"Of course we're going to have to make a few minor changes, since the Obama family is clearly not moving to 'the East Side' nor a 'de-luxe apartment in the sky,'" adds Pllouffe. "They're moving to an old building in Washington, D.C., so we've got to make that just as exciting."

Still, there are limits to any perceived similarities between the Obamas and the Jeffersons. "I may like the theme song," said the President-elect, "but it's not like I'll get away with calling my wife 'First Lady Weezie.'"

(Click here to hear the original theme song).

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Oakland Raiders may leave NFL for local Pop Warner League

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

OAKLAND, CA -- Following Sunday's crushing 24-0 loss to the Atlanta Falcons, the National Football League has announced plans to remove the Oakland Raiders team from the storied organization at the end of the current season.

Although such a move has rarely been done in the 88-year history of the NFL, Commissioner Roger Goodell said the league had its reasons. "After numerous second chances, we're simply out of patience," he told officials at ESPN, "and we felt that the Raiders were starting to cause some serious damage to the NFL brand."

While clearly disappointed, Raiders owner and General Manager Al Davis expects the team to live on after the current season in the nearby city of Fremont. "Since Fremont has been without a Pop Warner team for five years since the death of its founder and coach, Bill Meyers, we think the Raiders can provide a much-needed boost to their local sports program," commented Davis in the Oakland Tribune.

However, neither the City of Fremont nor the Pop Warner Football organization have signed off on the idea, arguing that they also have brand images to protect. According to Jon Butler, Pop Warner's national Executive Director, the entry requirements for Pop Warner have become stricter over the last decade. "We just don't let anybody carry the 'Pop Warner' name," Butler recently told an AP reporter. "If members of the Raiders want to join us, that's great, but they'll have to try out just like Jimmy and Johnny and Timmy do at the beginning of the season."

For its part, the City of Fremont is taking a 'wait and see' attitude. "Since we're the fourth largest city in the Bay Area, we pretty much have our pick of whom to pick for our youth sports programs," explained current Mayor Bob Wasserman. "And frankly, based on their last season in Oakland, we're not sure they're ready to compete against our chief rivals, the East Bay Fighting Toddlers."

Friday, October 31, 2008

Sarah Palin offended at West Hollywood Halloween effigy

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

MIAMI, FL -- Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin was apparently not very pleased with the effigy of her hanging by a noose outside a home in West Hollywood, CA. The effigy, which also featured Republican Presidential candidate John McCain crawling out of the home's chimney and surrounded by fire, was allegedly created by West Hollywood resident ChadMichael Morrisette, 28, and his partner, Mito Aviles, also 28, as a Halloween-themed prank.

"Honestly, it doesn't even look like me," said Ms. Palin en route to a campaign rally in Florida. "Where are the copper highlights? And those glasses they used? Not even close. Plus that mannequin is totally flat-chested. Seriously, I'd hate to see how they'd portray my little retard baby."

For his part, resident ChadMichael Morrissette (whose birth name is Martin Finkleberg) argues that he was only showcasing his own talent. "This is our palette and this is our venue of expression," Morrisette told the Los Angeles Times before removing the mannequin after West Hollywood Mayor Jeffrey Prang intervened.

"I don't even know what (the effigy) is supposed to mean," replied an exasperated Palin. "But at least they got the likeness of John pretty good. I did get a chuckle from that one. And by 'that one,' I don't mean Barack Obama!"

Thursday, October 30, 2008

California's "No on 8" campaign website cyber attacked

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

SACRAMENTO, CA -- According to, the No on Prop 8 web site was "hit by a massive cyber invasion called a distributed denial of service attack (DoS) that took down the site for several hours last night, with the assault originating not just in-state, but from Texas, New Jersey and Georgia."

Although the "Yes on 8" side has not officially claimed any responsibility for the attacks, spokesman Bob Dacus claims that his side will stop at nothing "to prevent the homosexual agenda from first perverting the definition of marriage, then turning the U.S. into Nazi Germany and destroying Israel. Eventually, they'll destroy the world and then turn their sodomite ways towards other innocent planets."

Tony Perkins, president of the conservative Family Research Council, has argued that California's Proposition 8 is "more important than the presidential election -- probably more important than anything else in the entire history of the world. Abortion, murder and terrorism are almost benign compared with the threat of gay marriage."

Although Perkins also denies any responsibility for orchestrating the cyber attacks on the No on 8 website, he says the Bible is on his side. "Leviticus clearly says that two men shall not lie together like a man and woman," he explains. "But it doesn't say anything about cyber attacks."

"We think that clearly means God would approve."

Woman finds face of Jesus in fecal sample

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

BOSTON, MA -- A woman working as a lab technician at St. Elizabeth's Medical Center in Boston has reported the face of Jesus Christ in a fecal sample being analyzed for a tapeworm. Although the Boston area Catholic archdiocese has already proclaimed the rare find as "the most important sign of the divine this century," various skeptics are already suggesting that the sample is quite normal aside from some troubling early signs of colon cancer.

For its part, the hospital, which has been suffering over the past year from a declining patient load, is maximizing the attention from the discovery, even hiring an ad firm to create a new jingle, "St. Elizabeth's -- where all your waste products are a miracle from God!"

However, upon reviewing the evidence at a special press viewing on Friday, Reason magazine's Editor-in-Chief Matt Walsh suggested that the lab technician, a lifelong Catholic who wishes to remain anonymous, was 'anthropomorphizing a basic turd,' and what she likely saw was a collection of undigested corn faintly resembling the Christian savior.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Evangelist James Dobson admits laws against gays make sodomy more exciting

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

COLORADO SPRINGS, CO -- Dr. James Dobson, who studied child development before becoming an evangelical leader and founding the Christian group Focus on the Family, has historically opposed laws granting same-sex couples the right to marry and spent years trying to ensure that laws outlawing sodomy remained intact.

In a candid interview with The Christian Times, however, Dr. Dobson recently admitted that sexual acts such as sodomy are only exciting when they're considered wrong. Citing his own personal experience, Dobson suggested that gays and lesbians should consider the Biblical teachings against homosexuality when engaging in same-sex sexual relationships in order to achieve an orgasm that he says will "blow your socks off."

"It's so wrong, it's amazing," he concludes. "And forget about traditional fornication for pleasure -- what a waste of time!"

Sean Hannity calls Obama "N" word on radio show, ratings triple

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- Days after conservative radio show host Sean Hannity referred to Barack Obama as "that niggardly Democrat," ratings for his three-hour broadcast almost immediately tripled, reported a media ratings service.

However, when forced by the FCC to define the term as meaning "stingy or miserly" and that he meant that Obama was being 'niggardly' with the truth on certain issues, ratings immediately plummeted to some of the lowest levels in the show's history.

Fans immediately lambasted Hannity online for 'getting us all riled up for no good reason.'

Neither Hannity nor ABC Radio Networks were willing to comment for this story.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Many Mormons confused about California's Prop. 8

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LAKE FOREST, CA -- Although members of the Mormon faith in California and elsewhere have given millions to support Prop. 8, which would change the state's constitution to define marriage as solely a union between a man and a woman, many individual donors report being misled and regret their donations because they mistakenly thought it would have brought a return to polygamous marriage.

Mark Osborn, a church elder in Lake Forest, a leafy suburb of inland Orange County, CA, claims that his understanding was that Mormons should support Prop. 8 because it would redefine marriage as not between just a single man and a woman, but the plural form of "men" and "women."

"We were so excited about living our lives openly. My wives were already out there scouting to register at various stores so we could send out wedding invitations on November 5th," Osborn says. "But if I still can't legally marry my seven beautiful ladies, then what's the difference? There's a lot of crying going on at the Osborn house these days."

Consequently, and out of spite for what he says is being deliberately misled by church headquarters in Utah, Osborn plans to vote down the controversial measure. His seven wives, who he will not allow to vote out of long-standing church policy, support his decision.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

"Joe the Plumber" publishes risque calendar

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

TOLEDO, OH -- Samuel Joseph "Joe the Plumber" Wurzelbacher, who shot into the national limelight when asking Barack Obama about his tax policies during a campaign stop in October and then was regularly referenced in the third Presidential debate, has leveraged his newfound celebrity to publish the "Basic Plumbing Calendar" which he says is "an homage to the masculinity and dignity of the plumbing trade."

"I'm really proud of what I do, and I've always kind of been one of those en-tre-pre-neuer types," quotes Mr. Wurzelbacher under 'Joe's Story,' printed on the back cover of the calendar. "This is a great way to catch up on some taxes while showing America the best that plumbers like me have to offer. As we say in the trade, 'If shit doesn't happen then we're out of work!'"

In related news, Mr. Wurzelbacher has also indicated his interest in running for Congress in 2010 after strong encouragement by Ohio Republicans.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Nancy Reagan smokes strong cannabis sativa, falls and breaks her pelvis

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LOS ANGELES -- Former first lady Nancy Reagan, 87, apparently broke her pelvis several days ago and, after experiencing persistent pain, checked herself into Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.

However, a routine blood toxicology report conducted when she was admitted showed the presence of cannabis sativa, a strain called "Demon's Breath OG" she later admitted was legally purchased from a medical marijuana dispensary near her Bel Air home.

"You try living alone at 87," the famous anti-drug crusader of the 1980s reportedly told the phlebotomist who took the blood sample. "At least with that 'Demon's Breath' whatchamacallit, which my son Ronnie bought for me as a birthday present, everything that's wrong with the world today is funny." Reagan also admitted that, in retrospect, her "No on Drugs" campaign should have excluded marijuana. "It makes me feel like I'm 67 again!" she said.

National schadenfreude levels skyrocket as Dick Cheney reports abnormal heart rhythm

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- Immediately after it was reported that Vice President Dick Cheney had been experiencing atrial fibrillation, or an abnormal heartbeat in the top chamber of his heart, several national polls reported rising levels of schadenfreude among likely voters. The German word schadenfreude, which is defined as "delight in the suffering of others," was popularized among the Hitler Youth prior to and during World War II, and joined the English lexicon in the 1950s.

"Clearly, there are a lot of people who are itching to see Cheney in a full-fledged heart attack," said Maurice Zogby, who conducted the poll from his company's Washington, DC offices. "In the U.S., up to 75% of people agreed with the statement 'I was happy to hear of Cheney's abnormal heartbeat,' which is about even with his disapproval ratings among the American electorate. Of that 75%, two-thirds agreed strongly with the statement, 'I'm hoping and praying for a full-fledged heart attack,' with half of those also agreeing with the statement, 'I want the attack to be very painful.' Clearly, this man is some sort of lightning rod for what I would call schadenfreude, and we're pretty sure it has something to do with his politics."

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Sarah Palin credits education, family wisdom for meteoric political rise

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

RICHMOND, VA -- During a recent speech at a campaign rally in Virgina, Republication Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin cited the wisdom of her family members to help her craft her political positions. And apparently everyone got involved.

"My rock, of course, is my husband Todd. And when he finished the Tesoro Iron Dog race with a broken arm, I knew right then he should oversee Alaska's spiraling health care costs.

"When my son Track -- who, by the way, was named that because he was conceived next to some railroad tracks out there, you know, where the main road in Wasilla turns to dirt but 'tracks' with an 's' sounded kinda tacky? -- anyway, when he decided to enlist in the Army, I knew I'd be turning to him for his input on natural defense. Like the great John McCain, in the history of our great country next to Russia, he's also a maverick."

(Light, scattered applause)

"From my three daughters I've seen them grow up as beautiful girls, bringing their Daddy and their brother a beer without being asked and doing the laundry without any lip at all. And that's exactly how the White House should be run -- with good, old-fashioned, soccer-mom values, (whispering) although it looks like Bristol should have kept her legs on that soccer ball instead of in the air and havin' that ol' baby!"

(Heavy applause)

"But what's done is done, so of course we'll also be inviting Bristol's guy -- that what's his name, you know, it kinda sounds like he's some Jew but he's not, and that doesn't mean I don't really love Israel? -- oh yeah, his name is Levi, so let's just say it sounds like the jeans instead -- anyway, to live with us as we protect the country from those who seek to destroy our way of life and fly over Alaska with their bomber missiles and submarines!"

(Scattered applause, a few men call out variations of, 'atta girl! you tell' em!')

"But I get the most inspiration from my son Trig -- that's short for 'Trigonometry,' although he was sort of named before we knew about the whole Downs Syndrome thing because we had never even heard of it before he was born because we really needed someone to handle the bills in the family since Todd's writing arm is now lame from his accident. Trig has taught me that I don't have to answer 'gotcha' questions from the media or know this ancient history from the Supreme Court. Like him, I may smile and wink and occasionally spit up a little on stage, but gosh darn it, I'm an American and that should be good enough!"

(Huge applause, standing ovation)

"I know that the American people will see that the wisdom I get from the great Palin family, as well as from other families from across this great land of ours, combined with the wonderful education I received from Hawaii Pacific College, North Idaho Community College, our homegrown Matanuska-Susitna Community College -- Go Grizzlies! -- and the University of Idaho, more than makes me qualified to work as a team with John McCain to make America even gooder!"

(Heavy applause, chants of "Go, Sarah! Go Sarah!")

Monday, October 13, 2008

Some voters confusing Barack Obama with "That Girl" actress Marlo Thomas

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

Campaign update: "That one" vs. "That Girl?"

MIAMI, FL -- Ever since Republican Presidential candidate John McCain referred to Barack Obama as "That One" in the second presidential debate on October 7th, some elderly voters in New York and Florida have been confusing the Democratic nominee with That Girl, the 1960s ABC situation comedy about a single girl in New York City named Ann Marie and played by actress Marlo Thomas. There are reports from throughout Florida that concerned voters have been phoning county registrars about how to include the show's title as a write-in candidate.

A spokesperson from the McCain campaign explained away the confusion as 'yet another liberal attempt to detract from the scourge of terrorists who want to take away our freedom.' On Fox News' The O'Reilly Factor, McCain explained, "When I said 'That One,' I certainly didn't mean some TV show from when I was in my 60s. I meant 'that black guy who should scare you.' Now can we please talk about something else?"

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Madonna claims she's a better humanitarian because her adopted African baby "blacker than Brangelina's"

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- During a recent concert at Madison Square Garden to promote her new album "Hard Candy," pop diva Madonna argued that she was a better humanitarian than Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt since her adopted Malawian son David is 'way blacker' than Zahara, the Ethiopian-born adopted daughter of the famous couple.

When a fan in the front row shouted out, "What about their other kids from Vietnam and Cambodia?" she was said to have replied, "Yellow doesn't count, plus my African baby is also a Jew," referring to her decision to convert son David to Judaism as part of her commitment to studying Kabbalah and adding, "Try to top that one!" She then ordered security to immediately escort the errant fan from the building.

Neither Madonna's manager, Guy Oseary, nor her touring company, Live Nation, returned phone calls seeking comment.

Barack Obama joins KKK to maximize votes in the South

By Lillian Rasmussen and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

CHICAGO, IL -- In the last few weeks of the Presidential campaign, Democratic nominee Barack Obama thinks he's found the secret weapon to tip the balance in his favor in the South: the KKK. Arguing that the only thing that KKK members and supporters need is some "old-fashioned information whippin'," Obama's membership will grant him access otherwise unavailable to outsiders.

Because the Obama campaign recognizes the considerable controversy the membership might cause, it's already gearing up with a formidable defense. "Since he's half white, he's only been granted a half membership to our organization," said Peggy Hoffmeyer, the group's PR representative. "That means that although he can't enjoy the hosted bar or organize pro-white rallies, he can still communicate with our membership via email blasts, the U.S. mail, and our election eve 'white is good' phone bank."

Still livid with Republican nominee John McCain over his policy on immigration reform, Callahan thinks the KKK membership will embrace the group's new bumper stickers -- "Vote Barack Obama: the best half-white candidate we got" -- and turn out in force on election day.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Fan confuses Jimmy Kimmel with Down's Syndrome look-a-like on street

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

HOLLYWOOD, CA -- An overly excited fan caused an incident on a Hollywood street on Friday when she insisted that a passerby was late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel. The passerby, Bobby Willoughby, 37, happens to resemble the famous comedian but didn't comprehend how to respond to the attention due to a lifelong affliction with Down Syndrome.

Although Mr. Willoughby reportedly has a mild case of the syndrome, which is characterized by specific facial features and an array of physical and mental cognitive disabilities, apparently the rapid escalation of movement and shouting from the fan, 23-year-old Heather Johnson, caused him run out into rush-hour traffic on busy Hollywood Blvd. in this famous neighborhood of Los Angeles. Fortunately, Willoughby was only clipped by a slow-moving moving truck and Ms. Johnson, a trained EMT, was able to provide assistance. Mr. Willougby is expected to make a full recovery.

Spokespersons for both Jimmy Kimmel Live and the ABC network declined to comment on the incident.