Woman finds face of Jesus in fecal sample

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

BOSTON, MA -- A woman working as a lab technician at St. Elizabeth's Medical Center in Boston has reported the face of Jesus Christ in a fecal sample being analyzed for a tapeworm. Although the Boston area Catholic archdiocese has already proclaimed the rare find as "the most important sign of the divine this century," various skeptics are already suggesting that the sample is quite normal aside from some troubling early signs of colon cancer.

For its part, the hospital, which has been suffering over the past year from a declining patient load, is maximizing the attention from the discovery, even hiring an ad firm to create a new jingle, "St. Elizabeth's -- where all your waste products are a miracle from God!"

However, upon reviewing the evidence at a special press viewing on Friday, Reason magazine's Editor-in-Chief Matt Walsh suggested that the lab technician, a lifelong Catholic who wishes to remain anonymous, was 'anthropomorphizing a basic turd,' and what she likely saw was a collection of undigested corn faintly resembling the Christian savior.