ATLANTA, GA -- Although the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention maintains that the rising rates of childhood obesity in the United States are still a major concern -- reaching nearly 18% in 2006 for children age 12 to 19 -- researchers have recently discovered an unexpected side benefit to fatter children: declining levels of pedophilia.
"Apparently many child molesters just hate fat kids," said Dave Dillon, Deputy Director of Media Relations for the CDC. "Although we were quite surprised by the results, we're excited that we finally found a potential solution to a problem that so far has not been solved by incarceration, therapy, Megan's Law lists or my personal favorite, chemical castration."
However, Ray Radow, a spokesman for the controversial North American Man-Boy Love Association (commonly known as NAMBLA), says that the new research released by the CDC is, in fact, "old news." According to Radow, the organization has been selling "No Fat Kids" bumper stickers and "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap!" t-shirts on its Web site and through various retail stores since early 2000. "Yes, we're picky -- and damn proud of it!" he explained.
But for Molly Hanford, a mother of two active boys in suburban Atlanta, the news is sure to bring some changes to her household. "Since my kids are thin and athletic, I need to protect them," she recently told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "So starting tomorrow I'm pulling them out of soccer and baseball (practice) and they're going to stay home and gorge on pizza and ice cream. It's really the only responsible thing to do."
Although the CDC's Dillon doesn't recommend fattening children up to avoid pedophiles, he said the federal government does understand the reasoning behind this innovative solution to a growing national menace made infamous on the NBC show "To Catch a Predator."
"If you're going to gorge your children on burgers, fries, pizza and ice cream," he offers, "at least start with smaller portions. As they grow into adults and thus become quite unattractive to pedophiles, be sure to re-introduce them to healthy eating and exercise programs."