Saturday, January 16, 2010

Haitian Quake Blamed on Voodoo

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons, Special to Newsophile

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI -- In the midst of the rubble, the destruction, the piles of bodies and the cries for help, one man has stepped forward to accept responsibility for this week's horrendous earthquake event in Haiti.

He is Dr. Eyeball, a noted practitioner of Senteria and Haitian Voodoo.

As news crews attempted to film the demolished presidential palace, Dr. Eyeball stepped in front of a camera to display his voodoo doll of the nation of Haiti and cried "Sinners all dead! I made the earthquake to scourge the Earth of evil sinners!" (The doll was actually a papier-mache model of the island itself, complete with painted geography and a GI Joe head in the place of Port-au-Prince.)

As cameramen pushed him aside to film what they felt was the real story, Dr. Eyeball demonstrated his powers by quickly improvising a voodoo doll of Chen Nguong Nung, a Miami reporter, out of an empty can, a paper clip, and a matchbook. He followed by tearing off the 'head' of the doll, causing Nung to instantly explode while cameras were running. As if this weren't enough, Dr. Eyeball proceeded to deliver an ancient voodoo chant that, after 5 continuous minutes, caused every cameraman within 30 feet to bleed from the ears and nostrils.

At this point the Haitian National Guard appeared on the scene, lit some 'spleef,' and sat down to see what else Dr. Eyeball would come up with. Not wishing to disappoint, the good doctor launched into a 15-minute monologue on why he felt it necessary to destroy his own home and people. Surprisingly, the doctor vanished in a puff of smoke when he finished speaking and rescue crews are currently searching the island for him.