TSA Accused of Dabbling in Child Porn

By Long Tung Duc, Special to Newsophile

KISSIMMEE, FLORIDA -- Nine-year-old Cub Scout Terrance Dobkins knows a thing or two about airport security, and thinks he could stop those terrorists without having to fund the operation by selling kiddy porn. That's because Terrance happens to share a name with a known terrorist who appears on the TSA's watch list, and as a frequent traveler, he's had his share of cup checks by airport security. During this summer's family vacation to Jamaica, the TSA arranged a body scan photo shoot for Terrance when his name was spotted while getting his boarding pass with his family.

Transportation Security expert Thomas Fin stated on Friday, "We don't often get a chance to scan a kid with these babies, but when you do, you jump at it!" TSA officials acknowledge that scanning minors is a touchy subject, but since Miami International Airport has been one of a limited number of trial airports to have the new full body scanners installed, according to Fin, "We nail every kid we can." Adds Fin, "Kids provide us with an unadulterated view of the raw human form, which thus allows security officials to become familiar with the way ''a body ought to be.' But we're very professional about it."

Terrance's mother, Amy Dobkins, is less than impressed. When TSA officails asked her to sign a waiver to release Terrance's scans for training purposes, she refused. Amy described their pleading as just disgusting. "They just want to totally perv out over my son's body scan photos, and that ain't right." Thomas Fin commented that it is a great misfortune that our trainees won't be able to view this young man's 'majestic' form.

The Department of Homeland Security this morning confirmed that, "Virginal scans are very valuable." Gordon Swag, who is the newly appointed Sensitive Media Secretary for the DOHS, tell us that his counterparts around the world are very eager to analyze even the smallest tidbits in our global war against terrorism. "The Israelis would have paid pay big bucks for these scans," says Swag, "and don't even get me started on the Turks." Gordon also admits that the parental waiver will be a thing of the past very soon. "We're expecting an executive order or two about that coming down the pike pretty soon."

Meanwhile, Terrance and his family are taking it in stride. "I guess I'll just have to get used to it," says Terrance. "I just hope it doesn't end up on YouTube. And I guess I can just forget about cock rings."