Betty Ford sex films released day before funeral

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LONDON, U.K. -- In an apparent bid to make sure the final issue of its scandal-plagued "News of the World" tabloid was memorable, Rupert Murdock's News Corp. decided to post steamy sex films of former First Lady Betty Ford on its Web site, just one day before memorial services are scheduled for Tuesday, July 12 in Palm Desert, California.

Ford, who died Friday, July 8 at the Eisenhower Medical Center in Rancho Mirage, was most famous for her candor and discussion of her personal battles with breast cancer, addiction to prescription pills and alcoholism. Since the recovery center bearing her name was opened in 1982, it has welcomed over 75,000 patients.

What was less known about the former First Lady was her life prior to meeting and marrying the future President Gerald Ford in 1948. While studying dance with Martha Graham and other choreographers in the late 1930s, Ford also modeled part-time with a local agency while living in the Chelsea neighborhood of New York City. It is thought that the adult films in question were made as the aspiring model was attempting to make a career transition from a life as a traditional dancer.

The film reels, stored on several reels of 8-millimeter stock found in a Grand Rapids, Michigan storage unit in 2003 but kept in hiding until after her death, were sold to News of the World, which was the highest bidder under the terms of a secret auction.

According to editor Sebastian Colson- now under fire for his role in a wire-tapping scandal that brought down the storied paper - the Ford films were extremely vulgar by the standards of the time, and even today would be considered rather distasteful.

"These celebrity sex tapes you see today might have better technology," said Colson, "but Betty really knew how to keep an audience enraptured with an amazing body, a very dirty mind and a copious amount of liquids. What kind of liquids? You'll have to log on to find out!"

Since the Web site for the paper has also shut down, parent company News Corp. has set up a separate Internet address at www.bettyfordhotstuff.com and also converted the films for viewing on the site YouTube.com.

According to family spokesperson and daughter Susan Ford Bayless, the Ford family is not amused by the timing of the release of these films and has asked the online versions to be removed. Complains Bayless, "Sure, I know my mother was photogenic, but can't you people just show photos of her in the White House?"

Peter Falk's glass eye listed for sale on eBay

By Darnell Washington and Lillian Rasmussen, Newsophile Staff Writers

SAN JOSE, CA -- The glass eye of recently deceased actor Peter Falk, who died at his home at age 83 in Beverly Hills on the night of Thursday, June 23, has recently been listed on the online auction site ebay.com. With a minimum bid of $50,000 and a "Buy It Now" price of $2.5 million, it is not known how the seller of the eye, "PFALKFAN," managed to gain possession of the medical device.

Falk received the glass eye at age 3, when the original eye was removed due to a cancerous tumor. Yet it was the combination of his unique squint resulting from this prosthesis and a slight speech impediment which made his most famous character, Frank Columbo, one of the most beloved on NBC's line-up during the 1970s and, with less frequency, on ABC from 1989 through 2003.

According to Larry Lawson, a longtime friend of Falk's and his personal attorney, the family does not support the selling of the eye, and suspects that an employee at the mortuary they used, Bel Air's Beauty Rest Funeral Home & Spa, surreptitiously removed the stolen eye during the embalming process. "They knew what they were doing," said Lawson, "because even with an open-casket viewing, it's not like they're going to prop his eyes open so we would even know one was gone. Frankly, it's unconscionable."

According to ebay's Matthew Ambrose, however, the listing of the eye has not violated the company's Terms of Service. "I grew up watching re-runs -- endless reruns -- of Columbo at my Nana's house almost every summer of my childhood, so I'm just as upset as anyone else by this tacky item," said Ambrose, "but I can't find anything in our guidelines which prevents it from being listed."

Added ebay's Chief Security Officer David Collonate, "Our user 'PFALKFAN1' is a member with excellent standing, boasting a positive feedback rate of 98.7%. If the Falk family can prove that the eye in question was stolen from the body, then we welcome reviewing the evidence and making a decision for delisting at that time."

Should the eye sell at the suggested retail price of $2.5 million, ebay would collect over $31,000 in fees and commissions.

Florida toddlers riot after Casey Anthony acquittal

By Darnell Washington and Lillian Rasmussen, Newsophile Staff Writers

ORLANDO, FL -- Moments after hearing about the the not guilty verdict of Casey Anthony for killing her 2-year-old daughter three years ago, toddlers throughout Florida escaped local playgrounds, ran out of their homes and tore away from their parents' and babysitters' hands in order to stage what has been deemed 'the nation's first toddler flash mob riot.'

Anthony, 25, wept after the clerk read the verdict after less than 11 hours of deliberation over two days. Instead, she was convicted only of four counts of lying to investigators looking into the disappearance of her daughter in June of 2008. The report of the conviction of these minor offenses was met with was met with shock and anger among the state's pre-school population.

"I've never seen anything like this," said Miami Police Chief Juan Esposito. "Apparently these kids are really angry about this verdict, calling it 'our own OJ' and have decided to express themselves in public -- with and without Pampers." Proctor & Gamble, the company which makes Pampers, did not return phone calls but said in an email response that 'this storied diaper brand is one of peace and not violence. We ask that all clients wearing our diapers go to your rooms immediately.'

In South Miami, a crowd of approximately 500 truant preschoolers began turning over Smart Cars and throwing half-eaten ice cream cones against policemen attempting to quell the violence. Reports Police Sergeant Anna Ramirez, "The only thing that saved us was their sugar levels crashing, and suddenly everyone just sat down in the middle of the street and started crying. Wow, talk about a relief!"

According to spokesman Mikey Johnson, 4, of Azalea Park, a suburb of Orlando, he and his group of 20 followers didn't escape his pre-school yard to riot in the streets but to simply express their anger, stomping his feet repeatedly and yelling, "No! Not fair!"

Casey Anthony will be sentenced on Thursday, and could receive up to a year in jail for each count of lying.

NAACP objects to term "Black Friday"

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

BALTIMORE, MD -- After years of remaining silent on the subject, the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People, commonly known as the NAACP, has issued a press release objecting to the term "Black Friday."

According to NAACP head Benjamin Todd Johnson, "the idea of thousands of people pushing and shoving over each other to get the best deal and labeling that as something 'black' should be offensive to all people of color." The organization has also called on major retailers including WalMart, Sears, Nordstrom, Macy's, Target and even Apple to replace the offending term by Friday, November 26, 2010 or risk boycotts by NAACP members.

The term refers to the day after Thanksgiving and is generally considered the start of the Christmas shopping season. Its origins date back to the late 1960s in Philadelphia, in which the streets would turn 'black' with pedestrian and car traffic. By the mid-1970s, the term had spread nationally and also included the idea that retailers were finally 'in the black' and turning a profit.

Most retailers book the bulk of their revenue during the holiday shopping season, and some are taking the threat of the boycott seriously. According to Gregg Steinmen, CEO of Target Corp., "we greatly value our shoppers of color, who make up nearly 40% of our revenue and 80% of our jewelry purchases. Since it's too late to change our marketing materials for this Friday, we're hoping to work closely with the NAACP to come up with something great for next year, such as 'Crazy Cracker Day' in order to even out the score."

Glenn Beck earns long-delayed high school GED

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW CANAAN, CT -- After receiving an honorary doctorate degree from Liberty University last May, Fox News personality Glenn Beck has also recently earned a long-delayed high school GED degree from his alma mater in Bellingham, Washington.

Although Beck did attend Sehome High School in the early 1980s, his abuse of what he has called 'Dr. Jack Daniels,' along with an addiction to other drugs and a previously undiagnosed Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, ultimately prompted him to drop out prior to earning a degree. It was after dropping out of high school that Beck relocated to Provo, Utah to work at radio station KAYK, where he first began to voice his personal opinions on economics, politics and pop culture in the hopes of 'educating the moronic masses.'

Armed with his new GED and his honorary doctorate from Liberty -- which bills itself as the world's largest Christian university -- Beck hopes to improve on his 2009 New York Times best-seller, "Arguing With Idiots: How to Stop Small Minds and Big Government."

"You see, not only have I graduated from high school, but I'm also now a doctor," a teary-eyed Beck told his audience on his popular Fox News program. "And that means I can go toe-to-toe with the greatest minds in economics, politics and the environment. Folks like that Thomas Jefferson guy have nothing on me -- and he's dead anyway!"

Fans of Beck seem to largely agree with this assessment of his new academic credentials, suggesting that a pairing with former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin would make them a formidable duo for the 2012 Presidential election. Says Glenn Beck Fan Club President Barney Stover of Belmont, West Virginia, "We (sic) seen how people got all excited about Barack Hussein Obama's fancy law degree from wherever, and now Glenn's just as educated. What do you have to say about that, Mr. President?"

For now, Beck continues to downplay rumors of his bid for the Republican nomination, but hints that future degrees many strengthen his intellectual ammunition. "There are a ton of fine Christian colleges and universities just like Liberty out there," he told a rapt audience after his commencement address. "Just wait'll until I also have doctorates in stuff like math, astrology and the sciences!"

Zsa Zsa Gabor Stabilized After Contracting Syphilis

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LOS ANGELES -- After being admitted in the early afternoon of August 31 to Ronald Reagan-UCLA Medical Center in Westwood for 'flu-like' symptoms, Zsa Zsa Gabor's publicist reports that the 93-year-old actress has been stabilized but may have contracted an especially virulent form of syphilis. Ms. Gabor has been in and out of the hospital since breaking her hip on July 17 at her home in Bel Air.

When not diagnosed in its initial stage, the disease can progress and include symptoms including body rashes, weight loss and low-grade fever. In many cases, these symptoms can mimic those of the common flu.

According to publicist Joan Blanchette, "it's not anyone's business how, where and from whom Ms. Gabor contracted the disease," and that fans should instead focus on praying for her quick recovery.

As for her ninth husband, 65-year-old Frédéric Prinz von Anhalt, while he did not offer any theories on the source of the syphilis, he suggested to TMZ that he and Ms. Gabor managed to continue an 'active and creative sex life' even following her hip injury, adding, "She was in a wheelchair, she wasn't dead!"

Prinz von Anhalt refused to comment on whether Ms. Gabor's diagnosis is related to recent rumors of wife swapping and other group activity among long-time friends of the couple in their 70s and 80s.

Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens to retire?

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- With many political pundits predicting that 88-year-old Supreme Court justice John Paul Stevens was waiting until the 2008 election results were in before announcing his retirement from the bench, the current question in Washington circles today is "When?"

Stevens, considered a liberal member of the Court but actually nominated by President Gerald Ford in 1975 and subsequently confirmed 98-0 by the Senate, is remaining silent for now on the subject but has hinted at pursuing some post-Supreme Court interests.

"I think it's finally time for me to 'sow my wild oats,'"Stevens recently told The Washington Post. "Between serving in The Great War, getting married at 22 and then starting a law practice, I never got to participate in those crazy orgies of the 60s and 70s, although I would sometimes fantasize about them when fornicating with my first wife, Elizabeth."

Stevens, an avid tennis player, also intends to travel and spend more time with second wife MaryAn, whom he married in 1979. "She's actually quite adventurous for a woman her age, and for years has talked about something called 'a Dirty Sanchez," he confided in a close friend who wishes to remain anonymous. "But that's kid stuff. I'm ready for a little swinging, a bit of the 'Angry Dragon,' and my personal favorite, receiving a good old-fashioned 'blumpkin.' Then I can die a happy man with both empty bowels and balls."

Showtime to debut porn-oriented soap opera

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons, Special to Newsophile

NEW YORK -- Showtime officials have announced that "The Ripe and the Raw" will debut on the pay television service on June 9, 2011.

Billed as the first ever 'porn soap opera', the show will follow the "Ups and downs, ins and outs, and highs and lows of one of the richest industries on earth."

Starring Tera Patrick, Keeley Hazell, Jenna Jameson, Peter North, Ron Jeremy, and the stuffed corpse of Marilyn Chambers, the show promises to 'keep you up all night', have you 'on the edge of your seat', and keep you 'waiting with mastur-baited breath' for next week's episode.

"Putting us on Showtime allows for the ripeness and the rawness of what to do to really come up to the surface," stated Jameson.

"I'm totally up for this show!" said a clearly excited Peter North, "I can't wait to come in for shooting."

"I'm coming this weekend," said Ms. Hazell, "to begin fitting for costumes. In one of the episodes I have a big hump," apparently a reference to a Quasimodo scene she is in.

"Come and play!" was all Ms. Patrick could manage through a full mouth during the interview.

Richard Long, the show's producer, claims their audience will not only be treated to "great, gooey gobs of porn", but a real insider's look inside the dark moistness of what is surely a very popular guilty pleasure.

Haitian Quake Blamed on Voodoo

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons, Special to Newsophile

PORT-AU-PRINCE, HAITI -- In the midst of the rubble, the destruction, the piles of bodies and the cries for help, one man has stepped forward to accept responsibility for this week's horrendous earthquake event in Haiti.

He is Dr. Eyeball, a noted practitioner of Senteria and Haitian Voodoo.

As news crews attempted to film the demolished presidential palace, Dr. Eyeball stepped in front of a camera to display his voodoo doll of the nation of Haiti and cried "Sinners all dead! I made the earthquake to scourge the Earth of evil sinners!" (The doll was actually a papier-mache model of the island itself, complete with painted geography and a GI Joe head in the place of Port-au-Prince.)

As cameramen pushed him aside to film what they felt was the real story, Dr. Eyeball demonstrated his powers by quickly improvising a voodoo doll of Chen Nguong Nung, a Miami reporter, out of an empty can, a paper clip, and a matchbook. He followed by tearing off the 'head' of the doll, causing Nung to instantly explode while cameras were running. As if this weren't enough, Dr. Eyeball proceeded to deliver an ancient voodoo chant that, after 5 continuous minutes, caused every cameraman within 30 feet to bleed from the ears and nostrils.

At this point the Haitian National Guard appeared on the scene, lit some 'spleef,' and sat down to see what else Dr. Eyeball would come up with. Not wishing to disappoint, the good doctor launched into a 15-minute monologue on why he felt it necessary to destroy his own home and people. Surprisingly, the doctor vanished in a puff of smoke when he finished speaking and rescue crews are currently searching the island for him.

TSA Accused of Dabbling in Child Porn

By Long Tung Duc, Special to Newsophile

KISSIMMEE, FLORIDA -- Nine-year-old Cub Scout Terrance Dobkins knows a thing or two about airport security, and thinks he could stop those terrorists without having to fund the operation by selling kiddy porn. That's because Terrance happens to share a name with a known terrorist who appears on the TSA's watch list, and as a frequent traveler, he's had his share of cup checks by airport security. During this summer's family vacation to Jamaica, the TSA arranged a body scan photo shoot for Terrance when his name was spotted while getting his boarding pass with his family.

Transportation Security expert Thomas Fin stated on Friday, "We don't often get a chance to scan a kid with these babies, but when you do, you jump at it!" TSA officials acknowledge that scanning minors is a touchy subject, but since Miami International Airport has been one of a limited number of trial airports to have the new full body scanners installed, according to Fin, "We nail every kid we can." Adds Fin, "Kids provide us with an unadulterated view of the raw human form, which thus allows security officials to become familiar with the way ''a body ought to be.' But we're very professional about it."

Terrance's mother, Amy Dobkins, is less than impressed. When TSA officails asked her to sign a waiver to release Terrance's scans for training purposes, she refused. Amy described their pleading as just disgusting. "They just want to totally perv out over my son's body scan photos, and that ain't right." Thomas Fin commented that it is a great misfortune that our trainees won't be able to view this young man's 'majestic' form.

The Department of Homeland Security this morning confirmed that, "Virginal scans are very valuable." Gordon Swag, who is the newly appointed Sensitive Media Secretary for the DOHS, tell us that his counterparts around the world are very eager to analyze even the smallest tidbits in our global war against terrorism. "The Israelis would have paid pay big bucks for these scans," says Swag, "and don't even get me started on the Turks." Gordon also admits that the parental waiver will be a thing of the past very soon. "We're expecting an executive order or two about that coming down the pike pretty soon."

Meanwhile, Terrance and his family are taking it in stride. "I guess I'll just have to get used to it," says Terrance. "I just hope it doesn't end up on YouTube. And I guess I can just forget about cock rings."

Tiger Woods' own mother 16th woman to come forward as mistress

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

JUPITER ISLAND, FL -- Now that the list of Tiger Woods' mistresses has officially hit 15 (rumored to be singer Jessica Simpson), inside sources are telling Newsophile that number 16 may in fact be a woman closest to the famous golfer's heart: his own mother, Kultida ("Tida") Woods.

"Tida never really liked (current wife) Elin (Nordegren), frequently saying, 'she so white it's blinding!'" the source said on condition of anonymity. "She really wanted Tiger to marry a nice girl who was also 1/4 African American, 1/4 Thai, 1/4 Chinese, 1/8 Native American and 1/8 Dutch, saying 'he not look hard enough.'"

"She even placed ads on Craigslist for him, but everyone thought it was a joke, which just broke her heart."

Ultimately, when Tiger and Elin began to drift apart Tida offered to step in, in the hopes of providing 'Everything you need in sordid affair except for dirty talk. Ok, maybe little dirty talk.'

Once news of the multiple other mistresses broke, Tida clandestinely hired infamous L.A. attorney Gloria Allred, apparently to sell her story to the media and to arrange an appropriate settlement with her son Tiger. "Oh sure, he buy me a car," she wrote in her complaint, "But it's a cheap, stripped-down Buick he got for free. Not even proper rice rocket!"

BBC offers quasi-apology for its online debate on killing gays in Uganda

FROM BREITBERT.COM:

After considerable pressure, it looks like the BBC has finally caved and offered an apology for hosting an online discussion on whether or not gays should be executed in Uganda.

Wrote BBC World Service Director Peter Horrocks on a company blog, "We apologize for any offense it caused," adding that he still thought that the program was a legitimate attempt to encourage discussion about a crucial African issue.

As proof of that commitment, he hopes to host future episodes on whether or not men with AIDS should rape virgins as a cure, when and if genocide is the most practical solution to warring factions, and the morality of re-instating the slave trade in poorer African countries, ultimately adding the pseudo-borrowed tagline, "It's not TV - it's BBC!"

What did Senator Schumer really say?

FROM WIRE REPORTS

An AP story out of New York says that Senator Charles Shumer made an inappropriate remark about a flight attendant who asked him to turn off his cell phone prior to a commercial flight taking off.

While it's anyone's guess what type of expletives Shumer actually muttered under his breath towards the airline employee, our sources report he said the following: "Ah, don't blow your wig, ya stupid broad. You're really gumming the works for me today, and that's all wet."

Really, Senator? Don't be surprised is impeachment is on the menu for you.

Greenhouse gases destroy North Pole

By Jean-Paul Stanley Simmons
Special to Newsophile

PT. BARROW, ALASKA -- According to recent reports, homeless elves have been appearing for weeks in the tiny community of Barrow, Alaska, and scientists have finally discovered why: greenhouse gasses have melted the North Pole homestead of Santa Claus, causing the poorly supervised elves to seek food and shelter elsewhere.

Mr. Claus could not be reached for comment, with his press agent citing 'pressing issues related to Mr. Tiger Woods' black book', but this reporter did manage to speak with an elf who did not wish to be identified because he wasn't authorized to talk to the press.

"The tops of the castle have been dripping for years and he (Claus) didn't do a thing about it," the seemingly embittered elf claims. "Then, two weeks ago, a wind seemed to come right out of the basement, thereby sucking the entire structure into what is now just a very cold pond."

Adds another disgruntled worker, "We can't even fish in it."

Sources have also discovered that despite centuries of organization, there is no union protecting the benefits of the Elven workers.

"The castle is gone, Santa is gone, and we have nowhere to turn except Hollywood," says Beebus Matzohpelius, Santa's second in command, as he waved from his convertible BMW before heading south. "We're thinking we could make great avatars!"

Back in Barrow, the residents seemed to be only mildly disturbed once they recovered from the initial 'elf sighting' shock. Says Cody Hunter, a longtime resident, "Well, we had some polar bears show up in numbers a few years back and that's when we started picking up our garbage and re-using condoms before tossing them. Don't know what to do about the Elves, though... feed 'em to the polar bears, maybe?"

Adds Sue Littlejohn, owner of 'Suzy's Cutesy Cuddly Christmas Shoppe,' "I let them sleep outside my shop and feed them candy in the morning so they don't go hungry. And then I beat them because that's how I grew up, and look how swell I turned out!"

Another resident of Barrow, also agreeing to speak only on condition of anonymity, said the elves behave more like an urban homeless person, such as rattling through garbage cans, falling inside and then screaming for help to get out, singing off-key holiday carols to no one in particular and, adding insult to injury, threatening shoppers with an unpleasant Christmas if they don't provide a donation.

"I think the city council needs to take a stand," says local journalist Hank Legolas. "You let one of these little peckers in town, and the next thing you know they have taken over! What is this, the San Diego-Tijuana border?"

In a related incident, former V.P. Al Gore was carried off the set of Chris Matthews' show on MSNBC when asked about these elves, reportedly heaving and spitting out the words "I'm not lying" through what onlookers described as an 'apoplectic fit.'

TARP II funds restricting use of banks' restroom facilities

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Apparently hidden deep in the rhetoric of the guidelines for the release of "TARP II" financing to prop up insolvent banks is a new restriction on the use of restroom facilities serving those institutions receiving federal funds.

These new regulations, which include specific guidelines on when bank employees can wash their hands or flush a toilet, have resulted in outrage throughout the banking community.

"Oh, c'mon, what is this, the 1970s?" asked Bank of America Chairman, CEO and President Kenneth D. Lewis. "'If it's yellow let it mellow' and 'If it's brown, flush it down -- but only after supervisory approval?' Is the Obama Administration even serious about this financial crisis, or is this some type of game to them?"

According to Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner, not only is TARP II intended to "return financial institutions to fiscal responsibility, but also increase an awareness of natural resources such as water." Geithner says that in order to build support for these new regulations, the Obama Administration has announced a national Request for Proposal (RFP) for a new line of bumper stickers, pens and t-shirts promoting "the efficient use of all wash basins, toilets, urinals and bidets." Geithner hopes that the popular "Mr. Hankey" character from the Comedy Central show "South Park" will enter be part of the promotion, adding "Everyone just loves that guy!"

For Marci Templeton, a personal banker at at Wells Fargo branch in Mesa, Arizona, the new restroom restrictions could not have come at a worse time. "I shake hands with clients all day, and now I can't even wash my hands? What if I'm not paying attention and there's an 'accident'? I just think that my clients would know something was up."

However, Wells Fargo has a solution that Joshua Fildenstein, Senior Vice President for Human Resources, says will suffice nicely. "It's called 'Purell.' And I never leave home without it."

Owner of attacking chimp sends victim a stuffed gorilla as gift

By Kerrigan Neeley and Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writers

STAMFORD, CONN. -- Administrators at Stamford Community Hospital were dumbfounded last week when Sandra Herold, owner of Travis, the 200-pound chimpanzee who attacked her friend Charla Nash at her home here on February 17th, sent Nash a bouquet of flowers, a get well card, and a large, plushie stuffed gorilla.

According to Nancy Klemen, Director of Patient Care at Stamford Hospital, the fact that the stuffed animal gift was a gorilla and not a chimp was irrelevant, adding, "We are dumbfounded that this gift would seem appropriate under these circumstances."

In order to avoid any perceived insult at the Cleveland Clinic, where Nash was transferred on February 19th to prepare for future surgeries, the hospital has instituted a temporary ban on all stuffed primates throughout the hospital.

"We are forbidding all stuffed animals which resemble primates in any way from clinic property until further notice," said spokeswoman Marjorie Newman. "In addition, copies of the recent issue of Vogue magazine with Lebron James posing as a King Kong-type character on the cover have also been removed from Ms. Nash's floor."

Salma Hayek talks dirty to African baby during breastfeeding incident

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

NEW YORK -- Days after an ABC News "Nightline" crew captured actress Salma Hayek breastfeeding an African newborn, reports are emerging that Ms. Hayek's behavior bordered on the inappropriate during the incident. One bystander has also claimed that the newborn was growing irritable after having to negotiate around the Oscar-nominated and Emmy award-winning actress' nipple ring.

"Since Salma was whispering in Spanish, we couldn't really understand her," confided a soundman working for ABC News who wished to remain anonymous. "But since she was feeding the kid with one boob while playing with the other, we weren't sure whether she was getting the other one ready for 'show time' or simply getting off on it. It was very uncomfortable."

A spokewoman for ABC News insists that the actress was only sharing her passion for the 'natural act of breastfeeding' while on a humanitarian mission in Sierra Leone to address the country's epidemic of tetanus.

However, a bi-lingual transciber working for The Transcription Company in Burbank, California, says that he clearly heard what could only be described as 'palabras sucias,' or Spanish for 'dirty talk.'

"First she was repeating, '¿Ah usted así, qué?' ('Oh, you like that, huh?') and '¿Usted desea esas tetas grandes?' ('You want those big boobs?') to the child," Oscar Ramirez recently confided to the Los Angeles Times. "But after Hayek starts playing with her nipple at about the two-minute mark, she starts growling, 'Te quiero comer todo' ('I want to eat you all.'). After I reported it to my supervisor, he told me that ABC has opted not to offer a transcription for this clip and that I should forget about it."

The Los Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services refused to comment about the incident, explaining in a brief email to the Associated Press that anything that happens outside of the county is "out of our jurisdiction."

Lillian Rasmussen also contributed to this story.

Declining pedophilia arrests linked to rising childhood obesity rates

By Darnell Washington and Arthur Buzzby, Newsophile Staff Writers

ATLANTA, GA -- Although the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention maintains that the rising rates of childhood obesity in the United States are still a major concern -- reaching nearly 18% in 2006 for children age 12 to 19 -- researchers have recently discovered an unexpected side benefit to fatter children: declining levels of pedophilia.

"Apparently many child molesters just hate fat kids," said Dave Dillon, Deputy Director of Media Relations for the CDC. "Although we were quite surprised by the results, we're excited that we finally found a potential solution to a problem that so far has not been solved by incarceration, therapy, Megan's Law lists or my personal favorite, chemical castration."

However, Ray Radow, a spokesman for the controversial North American Man-Boy Love Association (commonly known as NAMBLA), says that the new research released by the CDC is, in fact, "old news." According to Radow, the organization has been selling "No Fat Kids" bumper stickers and "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap!" t-shirts on its Web site and through various retail stores since early 2000. "Yes, we're picky -- and damn proud of it!" he explained.

But for Molly Hanford, a mother of two active boys in suburban Atlanta, the news is sure to bring some changes to her household. "Since my kids are thin and athletic, I need to protect them," she recently told the Atlanta Journal-Constitution. "So starting tomorrow I'm pulling them out of soccer and baseball (practice) and they're going to stay home and gorge on pizza and ice cream. It's really the only responsible thing to do."

Although the CDC's Dillon doesn't recommend fattening children up to avoid pedophiles, he said the federal government does understand the reasoning behind this innovative solution to a growing national menace made infamous on the NBC show "To Catch a Predator."

"If you're going to gorge your children on burgers, fries, pizza and ice cream," he offers, "at least start with smaller portions. As they grow into adults and thus become quite unattractive to pedophiles, be sure to re-introduce them to healthy eating and exercise programs."

Newsophile inks syndication deal

By Darnell Washington, Newsophile Staff Writer

LOS ANGELES -- As part of Newsophile Media's business plan to extend its original reports beyond the site Newsophile.com, the company has recently signed a syndication deal with potential future hosts including USAToday, CNN and The Washington Post.

Since inking the deal in late 2008, editors at the Chicago Sun-Times and ComputerShopper.com have already selected Newsophile content as "timely, accurate and useful" to their readers.

Most recently, Newsophile's expose on the first Presidential excrement by newly sworn-in Barack Obama was chosen as important "technology news" by ComputerShopper.com due to its emphasis on the state-of-the-art tests conducted immediately after the errant stool sample was discovered by a frightened White House maid.

In mid-December, editors of the business section at the Chicago Sun-Times selected the Newsophile story on former First Lady Barbara Bush replacing William Penn as the official face for the "Quakers Oats" brand, a subsidiary of food giant PepsiCo. Calling it "first-rate journalism" and "one of the best business scoops of 2008," editors have indicated they'll be using Newsophile content throughout 2009.